Astonishing Discovery of the Heart

Rest

anytime I quiet
this is what I hear
the Lord whispering in my ear
and yelling it to my heart

I have trouble at the start

and all this time I have thought of pausing
letting myself be
but really I think the Lord is saying, sleep.

I don't know ( :

My Savior
He is here

and as I pull that sweet boy out
"He is so handsome"
and my world turns upside down
and then twirls
as His dark haired curls cover purple
He is fine
until

snip

The chord is clipped and so is his air

First moment as a mom being scared
not counting the many before
waiting just to hear a tiny beat
is it high or low
Oh I don't even know??

Should I eat this or that
exhaustion knocking me flat
and he wasn't even out yet

and yet
and yet
and yet

here

here is my little boy

my son

as he with arms firmly but gently wrapped
around his papa's neck
looks at me as if to say, why am I leaving you?

Guilt
floods in with the storm
the clatter
could shatter
the clearest of minds
and mine?

it was already far from fine
9 months and some change
past that lost crazy phase
of being handed you

really?

I am to be trusted with him
I am enough?

I still struggle with these things
and as you start to eat
and drink from a straw
I hope to teach you to draw
but I see in you so much

everything and everyone you touch
smiles
and all the while all things are a tool
and I am the laughing fool
for thinking those child guards would protect you when your favorite game is to rip them off
and use them to get rocks to eat

you   are   so   smart

and problem solve like a champ
the world doesn't even know what is coming up
but God does
and I rest my weary soul on that

God knew I was what you needed

Tyler said no more trying to set me up with anyone- we are married
(on saying I see him being more with someone like x,y, or z)
He reminds me that he chose me

Little dude didn't get to choose but God did
and I think He knows a thing or two

and as our Jonathan learns to chew
and walk
and blah blah blah all over the place

I am in this awkward space
of exhaustion
awe
upturned rest
constant frustration
and yet peace

such a funny cocktail that I can never quite swallow
and so I slowly disintegrate and flourish
but yet here in lies the beauty
the point of something great

and I think thats it
I get a ping in my heart as I write this and I know
that God is doing this so...

I don't know ( :