The Secret

Turn the page
to another age
a different face
a different pace
an awkward walk
and a constant stare
to try to figure out all that's there
who they are
and what they do
and most importantly
who
is who

and as I think back
to that crazy rink
of terror and of praise
when many would
raise
the roof
to prove that they were living
and others spent their time giving
into
solitude

so when I
somewhat inbetween and shy
gave invitations
to different girls
and guys
that I had made
I never once thought they would come
and yet my party was full

full of people of young and old
something my heart needs to be told
as in later years
I find more frustrations than causes to sing
and pain, things often bring
whether in words or in acts
or hard, real world facts

but here we are
still the same
and when I think of my name
which once was longer
and now is short
and can always retort
to tell once more
of how there is nothing worth longing for
more than love
and that is a gift
we don't have to shove
or pull for
but accept

if I truly got it
it would not be a secret kept

Buttons & Insecurities

If you were
to brush my skin
you would see
buttons pushing in
some poking out
sprauled all about
but most of all you would see
me
a person that
half mentally would be
but half
but with my heart am whole
and able to heal the hole
as each
person
pushes
one more button in
but don't you see
the buttons can't win
nor the insecurities
that take root
and pull these buttons in further
because each sunday
pop pop pop
they come popping
out
and stopping
the pushing
that pushes my soul
it is when we are with him
that we really have control
or the understanding that he
can see and know and do
all we need to get through
and so as another day approaches
with buttons sticking out
I, with these buttons shout
"you don't know what you're talking about"
"I'm tired"
"No more"

//

I will stand
with empty hands
and a full heart
yes, that is how my week will start.

The Meaning behind the Word

FORSAKE

How often do we rest on the promise that God will never leave us nor forsake us and yet have NO clue what forsake means. Well, today I looked it up.

To forsake means to renounce or give up.

What a beautiful blessing that God doesn't give up on us or change his mind that we are his. I have always lived with the fear that what I am doing for him isn't good enough. This leads me to do one of three things:
1.) Hide/Victimize
2.) Rebel/Run
3.) Go overboard in trying to please him

None of these are healthy or good. God wants our heart and I choose to believe that even when I have trouble fully committing my heart, that God is still holding strong and still chooses me.

What a beautiful blessing- Happy Monday, everyone!

Taking time to Pause

On a morning that began with sleeping in and then sparked by wanting to work, I have taken the moment again to pause. Seeking God out in a new way, this song is how I spent that pause. Hope it means the world to you like it does me!

Happy Saturday!!

He's Waiting for Me

As I zig and I zag
I dig and I nag
bouncing back and forth
pacing
throwing books
words

it hurts
him
but with knees bent
this time is spent
smiling
at me

but why?
Why do you smile upon this face
that brings such disgrace
and literally throws it at you
wanting to hurt you 
to see if you'll move and do and be
but lovingly
you stare right through me and my temper tantrum

knowing I've given some
but more is to come
and so you
wait out the storm
till I am at my normal form
and you talk to me

why-
do you love me so?

and he sits and tells me

Keep Yourself Safe

Keep yourself safe
he whispers to me
across the phone
my thoughts out to sea
as I imagine this man
I always have known
but his heart only recently
with time have been shown

such love and such care
are tucked away there
and with silly voices
and lessons
he tells
of his love

as his heart
enlarges
and swells
well..
this heart now hurts
his every being
and this thing that is beating
is painful
not freeing
but the love still lingers
as he whispers his warning
thankfully he gets out of that place
in the morning
to return to a home
where his love now sleeps

thats what we are
just little
loving
heaps.

Pulling Back the Layers to Move On

The onion rips
as words trip
my ever step
forward

and with each rip
I tend to slip
first forward then back
giving slack
to what I had held so dear

and as he draws near
to pull me more
I fight
with all thats for
what would have been
grieving an idea
that was impossible

and still is
but Lord, what is this
this ache that yearns
to call
to say hello
knowing no
that you have better
always have
but why am I so sad?