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Life on Repeat

Swirling
swirling
swirling
drop

if only it would all stop
if only I could sleep
if only he would sleep

I am losing it
worse
I am lost
no more my own boss
but completely at a loss

the straw that broke the camels back
feels so much worse than that
as a cascading pile of sticks
that are so thick
and never ending

are finally sending
me to my grave
Lord SAVE
save save save me

this cannot be

I am not me.

Be Gone Toilet Scum!

The toilet beckons
the shower screams

make me clean
make ME    CLEAN!!!!

I lean
and quickly sprint
away from any hint
of understanding
or demanding
and rather say

um....

not

today.

or at least not now
rather write would I
till my sweet little guy cries

sharing his breath with the world
with birds
with the sky
with the grass
with the air

having him near
is being there
being in His sweet presence
My Maker and My Lord
knowing my sweet little one
was made with a Word

made with purpose
beauty
and a mind
to do things of a grand
and intentional kind

and so I sit and contemplate

this space
makes all other tasks late
but makes my heart so full

my school
Mary
and not Martha to be
and in it I am inextricably
for the moment

f r e e.............................

24 hours

Like a knife
that stabs
and rips rips rips
down the canvas

so tears
my world

painted tears
drip down the slat

what was that?

where did I lose my hope?

where did I give in
to the bitter
friend
and forget Your view?

where did I lose You?

better, when did I walk away?

as he sleeps, waiting for that peaceful piece
we frantically scurry
to capture that last breath
when really death
is the freedom from fear
from pain
from all that we have gained
and all that we have lost

the cost
of distraction
of not being
is keeping me from freeing

"needing to let go of that which binds me"
I prayed
and now I see my coat, so tattered and frayed
and you with a new one
replace the old
and say "no more will you be cold
but warm

and the busy swarm
of tiny gnats
no more of that"
as He swoops me up and holds me near

"no need to fear, my dear,
I am here
and I am here with your Pop
I have been all along
and all He hears is my peaceful song"

May God bless his passing
and heal us all
in the after.

//

My sweet Papa who would always give me a kiss on the cheek and say okay sweetie is now out of it, experiencing renal failure, and has been moved to Hospice. Please be praying for his peace as he slips into our sweet savior's arms and for our family in the wake of our loss and heaven's gain.

The Fight

Exhaustion hits with a new blow

a seed
dark it sows

and sadness swirls
though My sweet Savior
hurls
it quickly past

so why does my spirit
seem to fade so fast
why do I find
no hunger for him
when prior
those unholy thoughts would swim

lust is the devils friend
and with matrimony

comes death
to what used to be our breath

and so we fight
and hold tight
to the beautiful right

to now become one.

How to... Meal Plan:

I write this having just finished 4 bowls of Reece's Puff cereal.

My normal meal though is a little more elaborate. My college self would be proud. Not only does it involve saving money but also crafting a meal.

Each week we have "the talk".

THE TALK:

1. What should we eat this week
2. What does our schedule look like
3. Who will take the lead on each meal

So you draft out your list, Monday to Sunday of meals. Crafted around one or two meats (to save money!).  You use that one meat in multiple ways. Time to get creative!

THE LIST:

Let's say we choose Ground Turkey & Chicken

Monday: Turkey burgers, sweet potato fries (easy to make from sweet potatoes) and brussels sprouts (halved, cooked with butter and garlic, and then sprinkled with parmesan cheese)
Tuesday: Pancakes
Wednesday: Spaghetti and Chicken covered in olive oil and parmesan cheese
Thursday: Chili (turkey meat, chunks of tomato, onion, beans from a can)
Friday: Chicken Sandwiches (filled with spinach, swiss cheese, and mayo) *add hot sauce for man
Saturday: Chicken & asparagus
Sunday: Left overs

[use a breakfast night or pizza night for an easy fill in, also, eat leftovers Sunday so the week begins with a blank slate aka fridge]

[when you get just what you need you not only save money, but you will be more likely to cook/use it all]

THE WEEK:

1. Commit. Say, I will do this. I will make sandwiches when I know I will be out for lunch. (make it yummy, get sour dough bread and throw in some chips and half an orange).

2. Go grocery shopping Sunday Afternoon

3. Start your day off with eggs to fill up on protein and trick your body into craving yummy food.

4. Make yourself a bowl of cereal or snack on some fruit as you cook lunch and dinner. If you've had a bad day, maybe that one bowl becomes four. ( :

Good luck and keep on crafting! 

Elohim

to saunter
jingle in mind
light in kind
streaming through

streaks
of aha
wash
the soliloquy
of me
of a washed up
torn to pieces
mother
that like a quilt
has been painstakingly
restored
till the patterns
and strips
are more
than ever before

and as I saunter
with sweet babe in tow
these walls
now hold
the most beautiful thing I know

simple

beautiful

this

now

His grace like a plow
digs up
and destroys
and adds
something richer than a fad
something that will not fade
the most beautiful thing ever made

Himself, Elohim
three in one
the son
it is not only done

it is now.

Breathe in, some how
and be...
to exist is to dream
to sing like the trees
each dish cleaned is a symphony
each smile at the neighbors is cacophony
that breaks
through
to a beauty only our creator knew
and can manifest

He is the best! ( :