I don't know ( :

My Savior
He is here

and as I pull that sweet boy out
"He is so handsome"
and my world turns upside down
and then twirls
as His dark haired curls cover purple
He is fine
until

snip

The chord is clipped and so is his air

First moment as a mom being scared
not counting the many before
waiting just to hear a tiny beat
is it high or low
Oh I don't even know??

Should I eat this or that
exhaustion knocking me flat
and he wasn't even out yet

and yet
and yet
and yet

here

here is my little boy

my son

as he with arms firmly but gently wrapped
around his papa's neck
looks at me as if to say, why am I leaving you?

Guilt
floods in with the storm
the clatter
could shatter
the clearest of minds
and mine?

it was already far from fine
9 months and some change
past that lost crazy phase
of being handed you

really?

I am to be trusted with him
I am enough?

I still struggle with these things
and as you start to eat
and drink from a straw
I hope to teach you to draw
but I see in you so much

everything and everyone you touch
smiles
and all the while all things are a tool
and I am the laughing fool
for thinking those child guards would protect you when your favorite game is to rip them off
and use them to get rocks to eat

you   are   so   smart

and problem solve like a champ
the world doesn't even know what is coming up
but God does
and I rest my weary soul on that

God knew I was what you needed

Tyler said no more trying to set me up with anyone- we are married
(on saying I see him being more with someone like x,y, or z)
He reminds me that he chose me

Little dude didn't get to choose but God did
and I think He knows a thing or two

and as our Jonathan learns to chew
and walk
and blah blah blah all over the place

I am in this awkward space
of exhaustion
awe
upturned rest
constant frustration
and yet peace

such a funny cocktail that I can never quite swallow
and so I slowly disintegrate and flourish
but yet here in lies the beauty
the point of something great

and I think thats it
I get a ping in my heart as I write this and I know
that God is doing this so...

I don't know ( :

The Big Blue

Largeness
It took my breath away
I gasped through my tube
and retreated to the pillars

focused on the waving grass
the sea squirts
and my boyfriend as he found our meal

but that thing to feel
like I had never seen the world so big
and never felt so lost
surrounded by blue
no end in sight

fright ensued

but as I read about God's glory
do I perhaps hide by pillars
my home, my friends, my schedule
to avoid the vastness that He is?

If I let His Glory be real
what would I be?
A small person treading water with flippers
thousands of creatures around and below me

I would be out of control

let go of these holds
let it in
let Him be the wild and beautiful God that He is

know that it is hard not to sin
to err
to wander
but lets not squander
the beauty of He
and in His great presence just to be

Nourished

Our church celebrates Good Friday with a thing called Tenebrae.

This Tenebrae I was blessed to do a spoken word piece with my dear friend Sloane. Cool to see how God has continued that experience from our piece on Jesus' thirst to now- where I still thirst, and God has spoken to me through this beautiful message at my church.

Warehouse Message ( :

//

Thirst
I thirst
it haunts
and taunts

though it is done

Lord, You've won
so why am I
struggling
battling

LOST

and so I empty myself
I hands down hand You my stuff
and hands up receive You- enough

I eat your bread
and drink Your blood
I feed on You
I listen to You
I taste You

and it is good
and You are here
go away fear

please be real
be a full meal
open my heart to take You in
that
that is for the win.

//

Hope you guys have a great day and many real moments with Christ today!

Giving of the Heart

Oh the high
the buzz
this beautiful weekend was

and then with a large shiny anvil
bam
hits his highness
with no shyness

and God, our valiant Lord,
with a severing sword
changes it all with a word

and his attack
is just that
we parry each blow
until we know
this is our stance

this is how we will handle
this
and that

marital spat
running round and round

finally we are on solid ground
paying off debt
locked hand in hand
no more indebted to this idea by man

but pushing through
to help those we know

be able to give
so others can simply live

all these beautiful things combine
and they are mine
because they are His
no more could I wish
than these beautiful jewels

tools
tattoos on our heart

this... oh what a blessed gift this start

for the giving of the heart.

The Benny's So far ( :

Check out my other site www.benevolenza.bigcartel.com !

Life on Repeat

Swirling
swirling
swirling
drop

if only it would all stop
if only I could sleep
if only he would sleep

I am losing it
worse
I am lost
no more my own boss
but completely at a loss

the straw that broke the camels back
feels so much worse than that
as a cascading pile of sticks
that are so thick
and never ending

are finally sending
me to my grave
Lord SAVE
save save save me

this cannot be

I am not me.

Be Gone Toilet Scum!

The toilet beckons
the shower screams

make me clean
make ME    CLEAN!!!!

I lean
and quickly sprint
away from any hint
of understanding
or demanding
and rather say

um....

not

today.

or at least not now
rather write would I
till my sweet little guy cries

sharing his breath with the world
with birds
with the sky
with the grass
with the air

having him near
is being there
being in His sweet presence
My Maker and My Lord
knowing my sweet little one
was made with a Word

made with purpose
beauty
and a mind
to do things of a grand
and intentional kind

and so I sit and contemplate

this space
makes all other tasks late
but makes my heart so full

my school
Mary
and not Martha to be
and in it I am inextricably
for the moment

f r e e.............................