You are my God - in the bath thoughts

You guys, here is my heart
again

I feel like I can't win
can't breathe
can't do anything

I try to make space
and it blows up in my face
I just can't do
this
this
this
everyday this

struggle bussing with no near stops

come on mr. cop
keep those emotions in check
and yet
those beautiful little pink pills
that keep me chill
yeah, those babies are out

I could shout
scream
do something extreme

like pout
yep, no doubt

and yet as I sit awkwardly
surrounded by the scalding water
face mudded
heart studded
with tiny
piercing
spears

draw near

I whisper
I hope I hope He hears

the warmth surrounds
so many sounds
gurgles and pulsing and bubbles

how is life so fuddled?
stupidly drunk
with division
when you try do right
and lose sight
and sometimes don't
sometimes won't
why the awkwardness!!!

I want so much to be
to just be ME
wild and free I read
yes, yes, yes, this my heart tests and feels is true
and you know what

I can be me
I cannot control my sweet sons cries
no matter how I try

I cannot control what others think but merely do my best
and know that I am loved by the best

"You are my God" yes, you are

though I don't deserve it

"You are my God"

though I might not be able to do more than soak in this moment

"You are my God"

though I fail

"You are my God"

and as my life is not exploding but rather imploding

"You are my God"

//