32 weeks as of tomorrow.

What a journey- only 8 more weeks to go.

Pregnancy has been no joke.

It's as if God has used my dreams (so vivid and wild) to address all of my lingering issues. Then, when that had been accomplished he brought it into my family life. Now that that has been addressed, back to dream world.

I'm thankful for the process. I'm thankful not to be like a stagnant pool, collecting odds and ends and foaming up with a putrid smell. I feel like a tiny stream stretched over a long way. Bounding over rocks and stumps and pulling little things along with me. In the discomfort, there is beauty and great wealth. Some days I wake up and anxiety rolls over too. Those days there is no place to hide- everything in me is a mess. Other days I feel so confident and strong and free. The nights I don't sleep often invite Anxiety to come hang out the next morning.

Despite the stretching and growing and stresses, pregnancy is a miracle. Every kick I feel is like a breath of fresh air. It makes me so happy and in an odd way, makes me feel loved. I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait to see if he has a quirky smile or if his eyes twinkle. I can't wait to hear his laugh and feel his little arms grab onto my neck, nuzzling in.

I can't wait to push him into the water of life and see how he swims. All the while trusting and knowing that he will have the best teacher beside him, guiding him like He guided me. I can't wait to meet Jesus in the rough moments- and in some ways for the first time, truly understand His love. I can't wait to be perfectly imperfect and for the first time in my life- to stop.

to stop trying to do everything

to stop trying to be everywhere and there for everyone

to really let go.

As Tripp, our whirlwind of a dog, lays stretched at my feet I am able to rest.

In the background, plays a meditation.

Each time it stops anxiety starts jumping in my heart and pulling at my hair. I restart the meditation quickly and am able to return to the life of writing.

//

I've always thought of this blog as a way to be honest. A way to let others know that they are not alone in their messiness. As I grow as woman and as a Christian, I am amazed at the messiness around me. I'm surprised too by the beauty in it.

Hope you have a blessed day!

e

Baby list

Google docs won't work for my phone so here
goes the list for all of my lovely friends that I work with ( :

Things we need:
Jungle Jam CDs (christian stories)

//

In case you're thinking I wonder if we have
this or that- look below ( :

Things we have:
Wipes
Bamboo nursing pads (day and night)

Crib Sheets (Aqua, white, light grey, or beige)

Thermometer

Boogie wipes

From here to now to you cd by Jack Johnson

Stick up shades for car 

Clothes

Bibs 

Clothe diapers (a lot of them)

Wet bag for diapers (small & Large)
High chair

Baby monitor
Boppy 

Bumbo floor seat

Baby Mirror for car

Mobile

Jogging stroller

Infant stroller

Convertible car seat 

Infant car seat and base

Crib

Blankets

Jungle gym for floor

Pack and play 

Wet the bed sheets

Towels (hooded, regular and wash cloths)

Baby lotion

Baby shampoo

Baby rockers

Baby bath

Teething toys

Carrying slings (2)

Bottle dryer

Bottles 

Noise/sound machine

Diaper changing pad and table 

//

Love you all! 

JHC

Your father works
the dog barks
I sit
restlessly

waiting
for that free
breath
of there

I know that there
is a temperament
vastly changing

but as our lives are slowly
ranging
to include more
and less

I can't help but feel so blessed

to know the little I do
of the little
infinite you

a kick here
a kick there

already my heart swells beyond compare
and yet the Lord has so much more in store

oh this beautiful thing we are waiting for...

you
handsome, kind hearted, strong

you
Christian, lover of good, calm

you
funny, creative, adventurous

I am so inexplicably
with every moment passing
ready for this!

//

His song ( :

Sharing You

Simply walking by
Saying "hi,
Do you need help?"
A family
With a cars hood propped and being examined

You wouldn't believe what happened...

They said "no
But thank you so much
That is different"

Different that I am white
And stopped

My heart dropped
Spun and broke in two

Oh Lord, what can we do
To show everyone love
All that you made
And to show you don't care about our color shade

Rather you made us all
Piece by piece
Before our eyes saw the light
Surely you had foresight
To make us right
And so why, do those who are white
Seem to gleam? To rise above
While other shades of skin
Are skirted
of opportunities
and of love

Lord,
This cycle please don't bless
It truly is a bloody mess

And not of you

Your love is true
And not condoning
Of others owning
Preference

We are Your beloved
"Red and yellow black and white"
We are all most definitley
Precious in Your sight

May all of this one day be right

Here in the land of the living
May more hearts be giving

Of You...

On Sandwich Parchment

thoughts bounce
quickly to renounce
and pounce

      on a prior fragment

what it meant
and what it means
till we wipe the slate clean

a good preen
a great fix

but what am I in all of this
but the one-
a mess
yet His

and in a frantic
flurry

in a storm of worry
things hurry
till

stop

"hop
onto this train"
He says
as He grabs my hand
& pulls me aboard

[the one who makes
and is never bored]

and off I go
never to know
how He made this miracle so
only to trust
as I must

this peacefulness might bust!
until...

I'm stuck
in the muck
of the Charlotte come and go

s l o w

light after light
my delight
becomes
buzzing

mind wandering
fuzzy

oops!

almost crashed
how long will this last?
till I'm there

oh what an affair
when my heart can only care
about home:

my loves
and things deep and extraordinary

and so I carry these thoughts
till the peaceful train is brought

breathe and receive
my saviors burden.

amen, amen, amen.

Heart Update

At 3 am, I awake to a cough. I know that cough. I drag myself out of slumber to peek around the corner of the bed. Tripp is heaving and I hear her throw up. I let myself lay down but something nags. I use my phone and see a bone. She had swallowed up the rawhide whole. I clean up the mess and then sit and comfort her. As I pet her fur I feel like a mom. Wide awake in the wee hours, my heart in tune to what it needs to do without the cost. Something inside of me has made the switch. It isn't anything I did. It's like God designed with pregnancy a change in emotion to include this must do attitude. There is no option, you have to do what you have to do.

We will see how that transpires with our baby boy.

I don't much get emotional but at moments I do. When I haven't felt him move in a long time and suddenly he kicks strongly at the too tight seat belt. Buddy, I feel it too! Things are too tight these days.

It's an amazing transition.

In the beginning I freaked out. We had just gotten a puppy and bought a house. We were in a class to become debt free. As Tyler drove to get the test and I took a shower, I prayed. I wouldn't let myself leave the shower until I was ready. I prayed knowing that the Lord had provided me with so much throughout my life and He wouldn't stop now. I prayed for His peace that passes understanding. I prayed He would give me hope when I need it most. My sweet provider has more than provided.

I then felt like I should wait for God to provide the things we need for our baby. The list of things we have been given is incredible. Including a stroller I prayed for specifically- a city mini stroller. We also have been given a pack and play, crib, rug, diaper changing pad, books, bottles, clothes, and so much more.

God also blessed Tyler with a wonderful job opportunity. A way to provide for our family so that we can be okay if I stayed home with our boy. On top of that we can slowly continue to pay off our debts. What a blessing.

All of this to say- God is good and has answered every prayer. It has and will continue to be a journey but our God is so sweet. Continuing to trust that He has a plan and we need only to rest and trust in Him.

Hope you all are well!

e

A Friend

Things happen
time fades
I slip back
into the familiar shade

as the transition progresses
pregnancy successes
no tears
just ready
steady
let's go ( :

and wouldn't you know
in walks a friend
and that's the end

for a moment

I see this man in front of me
so sweet
patient and kind
who has shown me into his mind
with little gestures
with meanings beyond

and I realize
how incredibly fond
I am of this place and what it means

a beautiful in between

a family of sorts
some in cohorts
others push back
but still with love there is so much slack

Darryl says hi
Robert offers help
Chelsea sings and laughs
and the kids, oh I can't start with that

friends are special
they don't even know
sometimes
it makes me sad to go