You are my God - in the bath thoughts

You guys, here is my heart
again

I feel like I can't win
can't breathe
can't do anything

I try to make space
and it blows up in my face
I just can't do
this
this
this
everyday this

struggle bussing with no near stops

come on mr. cop
keep those emotions in check
and yet
those beautiful little pink pills
that keep me chill
yeah, those babies are out

I could shout
scream
do something extreme

like pout
yep, no doubt

and yet as I sit awkwardly
surrounded by the scalding water
face mudded
heart studded
with tiny
piercing
spears

draw near

I whisper
I hope I hope He hears

the warmth surrounds
so many sounds
gurgles and pulsing and bubbles

how is life so fuddled?
stupidly drunk
with division
when you try do right
and lose sight
and sometimes don't
sometimes won't
why the awkwardness!!!

I want so much to be
to just be ME
wild and free I read
yes, yes, yes, this my heart tests and feels is true
and you know what

I can be me
I cannot control my sweet sons cries
no matter how I try

I cannot control what others think but merely do my best
and know that I am loved by the best

"You are my God" yes, you are

though I don't deserve it

"You are my God"

though I might not be able to do more than soak in this moment

"You are my God"

though I fail

"You are my God"

and as my life is not exploding but rather imploding

"You are my God"

//

Budget Talk

Talk

tears
fears
spilling out

my soul shouts
with offense
and yet received with no defense

my sweet love
listens

we spell it out
sheet by sheet
bill by bill
and with no ill will
find
that we have post bills, post gas, post food
only a little of money to use

$100 each week
for tp, detergent and other things
my heart drops
when will this stop
I just want a cup of coffee

we finish up and pray
and walk away from the sheets and numbers
to talk with a friend
I tell her what I've learned and you know what she said?

"Thats good!"

//

Today that phrase has been floating in my head
here I was thinking we were near to dead
with no excess, no funds for recess
but really

we can pay our bills
we can eat
and we have a little on the side
who knew
that God, our provider, would give us just enough
and yet all of His love
and so in our excess may we live wisely
to pay off our debts
to live simply
and to give as best we can

and remember that we are greatly
greatly blessed.

//

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

Astonishing Discovery of the Heart

Rest

anytime I quiet
this is what I hear
the Lord whispering in my ear
and yelling it to my heart

I have trouble at the start

and all this time I have thought of pausing
letting myself be
but really I think the Lord is saying, sleep.

I don't know ( :

My Savior
He is here

and as I pull that sweet boy out
"He is so handsome"
and my world turns upside down
and then twirls
as His dark haired curls cover purple
He is fine
until

snip

The chord is clipped and so is his air

First moment as a mom being scared
not counting the many before
waiting just to hear a tiny beat
is it high or low
Oh I don't even know??

Should I eat this or that
exhaustion knocking me flat
and he wasn't even out yet

and yet
and yet
and yet

here

here is my little boy

my son

as he with arms firmly but gently wrapped
around his papa's neck
looks at me as if to say, why am I leaving you?

Guilt
floods in with the storm
the clatter
could shatter
the clearest of minds
and mine?

it was already far from fine
9 months and some change
past that lost crazy phase
of being handed you

really?

I am to be trusted with him
I am enough?

I still struggle with these things
and as you start to eat
and drink from a straw
I hope to teach you to draw
but I see in you so much

everything and everyone you touch
smiles
and all the while all things are a tool
and I am the laughing fool
for thinking those child guards would protect you when your favorite game is to rip them off
and use them to get rocks to eat

you   are   so   smart

and problem solve like a champ
the world doesn't even know what is coming up
but God does
and I rest my weary soul on that

God knew I was what you needed

Tyler said no more trying to set me up with anyone- we are married
(on saying I see him being more with someone like x,y, or z)
He reminds me that he chose me

Little dude didn't get to choose but God did
and I think He knows a thing or two

and as our Jonathan learns to chew
and walk
and blah blah blah all over the place

I am in this awkward space
of exhaustion
awe
upturned rest
constant frustration
and yet peace

such a funny cocktail that I can never quite swallow
and so I slowly disintegrate and flourish
but yet here in lies the beauty
the point of something great

and I think thats it
I get a ping in my heart as I write this and I know
that God is doing this so...

I don't know ( :

The Big Blue

Largeness
It took my breath away
I gasped through my tube
and retreated to the pillars

focused on the waving grass
the sea squirts
and my boyfriend as he found our meal

but that thing to feel
like I had never seen the world so big
and never felt so lost
surrounded by blue
no end in sight

fright ensued

but as I read about God's glory
do I perhaps hide by pillars
my home, my friends, my schedule
to avoid the vastness that He is?

If I let His Glory be real
what would I be?
A small person treading water with flippers
thousands of creatures around and below me

I would be out of control

let go of these holds
let it in
let Him be the wild and beautiful God that He is

know that it is hard not to sin
to err
to wander
but lets not squander
the beauty of He
and in His great presence just to be

Nourished

Our church celebrates Good Friday with a thing called Tenebrae.

This Tenebrae I was blessed to do a spoken word piece with my dear friend Sloane. Cool to see how God has continued that experience from our piece on Jesus' thirst to now- where I still thirst, and God has spoken to me through this beautiful message at my church.

Warehouse Message ( :

//

Thirst
I thirst
it haunts
and taunts

though it is done

Lord, You've won
so why am I
struggling
battling

LOST

and so I empty myself
I hands down hand You my stuff
and hands up receive You- enough

I eat your bread
and drink Your blood
I feed on You
I listen to You
I taste You

and it is good
and You are here
go away fear

please be real
be a full meal
open my heart to take You in
that
that is for the win.

//

Hope you guys have a great day and many real moments with Christ today!

Giving of the Heart

Oh the high
the buzz
this beautiful weekend was

and then with a large shiny anvil
bam
hits his highness
with no shyness

and God, our valiant Lord,
with a severing sword
changes it all with a word

and his attack
is just that
we parry each blow
until we know
this is our stance

this is how we will handle
this
and that

marital spat
running round and round

finally we are on solid ground
paying off debt
locked hand in hand
no more indebted to this idea by man

but pushing through
to help those we know

be able to give
so others can simply live

all these beautiful things combine
and they are mine
because they are His
no more could I wish
than these beautiful jewels

tools
tattoos on our heart

this... oh what a blessed gift this start

for the giving of the heart.