The Nightmare

Dreams swirl in my head
the kind you have in bed
but with me

well

they never leave

so begins the car ride
following friends
and then
at the roads end
appears a twirling cloud
dangerous and loud

we divert
off
to find a safe place
to hold onto
to hide our face

we move from stone poles
to basement holes
walking about a house

many distracted
my friend detracted
with a constant wandering
while I'm wondering
where will it hit?
will the ceiling collapse?

and suddenly I have
a dog
and when it runs away
I discover my two scared cats

fancy that

so we hide
the storm arrives
somehow my love dies
and disappears
and as sorrow nears
they tell me I'm dead too

All my friends are dead as well
but this they tell
me
it is swell 
that we died now and together can be
so incredibly happy

we laugh and we have fun
and enjoy a few car rides

and then
a switch
and in enters darkness
a death warrant on our already perished heads
into the basement we return
and filled with water
we yearn to the bottom
hard to breath
but in lays something we need
and one of us kicks to the top
and says we need to stop

they have come to do us off

and so they come

an asian man I've seen in the movies before
he walks in and on a notebook
he pushes the number next to mine and I start to fade away

but I notice that though I've died
I'm still here
and my lungs scream for air
as my second number appears on his screen
and he pushes on my lungs

I try to pretend like I'm dying
but then I am
I push him off and say,"
I thought I was already dead"

and up I awoke, heart filled with dread, brought into reality
from a dream filled with plot
with details
and with characters

what is the story I am living
in the night?
If only it would be filled with light

and so that is my prayer
that God would take me there
above these feelings and thoughts
and what ever darkness has been brought

to see his face
to be in his place
and to know
him.

The end.

Amen ( :

The Embers

Wheels turn
and a fire burns
poof
in comes the air
to get it from here
to there
flames touching the roof
and like paper
the embers twinkle and glow
until all you know
is the walls crumbling slowly
orange
and then black
and in comes the slack

crash

so is my time with that
with wedding
with house
with all
with trying my best not to fall

and all the while stumbling
and huffing
and choking
but some how smiling
and laughing
and joking

a light at the end
to marry my friend
and know that it was worth
every ember

and all these things I will hardly remember.

Creativity

"Creativity is God's gift to people with issues." -my father

On a long distance phone call with my dad and this is the wisdom he pops out. Never fails. He always has a corny or witty thing to say and sometimes a one liner that sticks with me forever.

I'll never forget the time my Dad told a crying college me not to worry about boys- that "if I do the things I love, I will find someone who loves to do the same thing."

Well, I have and I am so thankful. I am two months away from our wedding day and I am so incredibly grateful.

I am grateful to a God who answers prayers and who loves me in very very funny ways. I am grateful for a family and community that supports me for me and all the "issues" I might have/deal with.

I am thankful for a job that is filled with the most loving and funny people on the planet. I am thankful to know my job is making a difference is made every day (even if it doesn't always feel like it). I am thankful to begin moving into the new duplex that Tyler and I will live in when we are married. I am thankful for Tyler's awesome new job! I am thankful that my dad will be up here this weekend.

Most of all I am thankful that this year, God is really teaching me to let go. It's not an easy year by any means or an easy lesson at that. However, I have felt his blessings in small and big ways continually.

Here is to being creative and wrestling with the implications of the issues that underly that.

Above all though, here is to being thankful ( : for a God who constantly provides against all odds.

The Nod to Love

Mom told me
they tried group
therapy once
for me

I didn't handle things well
she said

pieces clicking
together
in my head

so what does this say?
where does this leave me today?

afraid to write
afraid God might be right
that life is
and can be better
and the voices I've always known are lies

cries push in from every side
but behind walls my heart hides
and gently pushes back
yes, now there is a blessed slack

a give

a break

more I can take
and yet don't have to
because my mind will gently release
the thoughts that keep my mind from peace

and as we push and prod
its like I receive a nod
from God
through words and phrases

and my depression
is less a season
more like phases

so as we pull back the layers
and see
the mess inside of me
bleeding on the ground
the source
with each part
is more easily found

simultaneously
my time with you is more sound
my love, my friend, my everything
so much peace and healing you bring
and as the voices sing and sometimes scream
you sing right back and hold me tight
and everything is right

we may not be over the river and through the woods.. yet
but for the first time I do not fret
I pray and see you are the perfect man for me
and my God has provided in all things
and especially with you

He is my heart beat tried and true
and suddenly life is a little more green than blue..

Tyler J. Claes, I love you!

Practicing Life Like Jesus

"When it is all finished you will discover it was never random"

There are so many thoughts and opinions on everything. Everyone has their own truth and for so long that has been a reality I had accepted. Accept and love others as they are and let them have their own truth.

Now though, I'm challenged. In diving into the heart of Christianity, I have been pushed on all sides. By myself, my doubts, the world, and circumstances.

"there seemed a dark and dazzling darkness"
that divided the great deep
and as it swirled around me
I couldn't help but weep

How can I love people and love what they believe if Christ is the one true Savior, the way, the only truth? How can I spread his love without offending the ones he has put in my heart to love? How can I still be practicing self care while looking outward to the needs of my loved ones, neighbors and strangers? How can I do any of this with a swarming cloud of doubt?

And then with a big
heavy anvil droppped

p l o p

the whole world explodes
implodes

flatlined
redefined
I need wine

and yet that weight is then lifted
and each part
as if in reverse
rises

slowly gravitating
back to the start
before it was broken apart

stuck together
and held tight with a goo
stronger than glue

and then.. the artist appears

he draws near
and pushes and pulls
making the object
once empty and broken- full

he steps back
and returns
giving it another turn
a tug here
an addition there
with all the love and care
as a lover pulling back her hair and tucking it
behind her blushing ear

yes, he is here
and suddenly I see
"Christ [in me]
the hope of Glory"


but what currency have I
to have such hope
with so many other ways to cope

And off my mind flies to the things I used to fill the hole, to fill the why. I shop. I retreat. I sleep. I call friends. I cry to parents. I ignore the world.

And yet in the face of the heart of Christianity, the heart of Christ, the heart of the Gospel, the Good news, the way, I see a bright light being brought into the day. It is contrary to all I have ever known and ever really been taught BUT it fits in line with my conscience, with every part of my heart. It seems impossible and hard because it is. But then scripture fills my mind with truth "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

It makes no sense when it is in your mind, but when it reaches your heart. That is the start and the happy place I am now blessed to be. It was and is a journey though, taken one step at a time.

I felt so convicted before a retreat with the women at my church that I wasn't doing enough spiritually but deep in my heart I felt a peace and patience. I felt like God had to be the one to show me freedom in that moment, to show me that life would and will be alright, that life is good. You know what? He did and he is every day.

The world is literally screaming in my ear, pulling me away with distractions, but when I come back my heart is saying the same thing,"I want more". The only thing that truly fills, like a good home comfort meal, is Jesus.

And so, I've been reading The Mark of the Lion series, Jesus Calling and my bible and it has been fuel for the soul. Here are a few of my new favorite verses:

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate/reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is in the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strength you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..."
Ephesians 3:16-18

Hope you have a great day and thank you for stopping by! 

His day

There are things even now
that compulsion would have me to do
but no
I won't be used

by my fickle emotions
and the anxiety that
wanders loose

no

I choose to sit
to wait
to be late
to embark
on a life with a different mark

trusting that God's spark
is not that intrusive thought
or that thing brought
into the forefront of my heart

no 

I will be
and I will be me
separate
different

amazed

that life no longer trickles by like a haze
but is open and free
thank you, Lord, for defining me

and as the music slips in
like pictures

colors
that flash and sway

yes,
this is the day
that the Lord has made ( :

Beauty already made

People are so beautiful

brown/tan skin
pulled
as if connecting
to her dark brown hairs
that strand by strand
are further drawn
into a neat
bun
and like grace she steps in

to get a coffee
and take a sip
a momentary dip
into heaven

a pause
from the cause
of worry

of wants
of must do's

and yet as she looks at you

her strength is hardly recognized
behind her eyes
but something about her shows

a beauty that she may not even know
I wouldn't change a thing
what a beautiful ring
that phrase sounds
in a place
where so many change, conform, fit

she is it
herself
and perfect