Messy

These two songs have been my heart beat lately. How wonderful to have a song that captures a single moment and yet it still dives deeper to reveal desires in your heart you're still working on.

Completely
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOs9M095dhM

Lord, I'm Ready Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24

//

Beautiful things
are indeed

messy

like tufts of flowers
stuck here and there

if you looked closely
would you see the care
the intentionality
the melody
and harmony alike

but like a strike

mess

is pressed
against the flowers
It's letters
burning
a hole

some of the beauty
stolen
and charred

growth
barred

heart scarred

and so those things just wait
for a special date
of hope
of a day
of not having to cope
but being able to release

please, I pray

and each day
there is a new way
until
BAM

here I am
in the middle of the mess
medicine to the test
realizing the complexity
of things in me

the mess all along
has been so incredibly strong
and though I see the beauty
in a twisting and twirling tree
and admire it with glee
my own twists and turns
made me yearn
for straightness

for a mind
that would find
a task
and do it
without getting lost in
after
and through it

and so
the invisible new friend
reared its head
but not out of anger
but confusion

what is it you've said?

I have what?

are you sure?

the cure?

counseling
coaches
prescriptions
and more

and like a door
hope walks in
with a big grin
saying see
there's nothing wrong with me

this is normal
and it is hard
so lets pick up this shard
this burnt mess

and call it blessed

give it water and help it grow
and help others to know

I have ADHD

and I am thankful
and I am blessed
because I am me.

Pining for the Sea of Grasses and Green

People buzzing
everywhere
no stares
and yet
their conversations
like glares
butt in

oh the sin

oh the trajedy

no peace i see

in this city

the buzzing begins
and the shaking
and grins
the moment
from sleep i stretch
and reluctantly greet the day

and oh, what a day
each day grows greyer
and darker
and dim

lost in thoughts i swim

//

oh the wind
the glorious
fresh
moist wind
void of the gaseous
grim
the grey choking mist
that with its gentle fist
slowly
destroys

outside
is no longer safe
instead it chafes
erodes
bruises

it abuses
the heart soul and mind

as if one green patch
to find
would be a fortune

and ahh to be fortunate enough
to find a place so plush
with moist moss
and slippery mud
with a bank below
in which you can gracefully thud
and laugh

oh what is that?

what is that open expanse
that makes you gasp
not from the stench
but from the wrenching
oh this is it

this is the life

and yet as you look carefully
you see the strife
twisted in the barrels
and the cars
sitting there
abandoned
under the stars
you see the people
tied to a life of one place
you see familiar
and distorted faces
lost
in their home
a place unknown
and yet precious

so as we search
for a home of our own
this gasping i find
no peace of mind
only the stench
of impossibilities. 

NODA & everywhere

Here

people
short and tall
and loud

people
purple
and black and bleu

songs reminiscent
of the things one knew

and as we take in the orangey gold
our bodies grow old

passing with each sip
each laugh
each death gaze
followed by a "what?"

and as time
slides
right by
it does anything but fly
it settles
and like a nettle
stings
my barren flesh
till my heart bubbles like mesh
and drip
drop
drip
comes the trip

the influx
of enemies from a foggy land
of pining for the sea and sand
of a friend of long who for now is gone
and how life is better with a song

yes my mind
bounces back to these
and like a sneeze
I am snapped back
from this time lapse

to now

to how

time is going, going
but not yet gone
how i am sometimes wrong
and selfish
and stubborn
and mean
but how, too, I am truly
inbetween

bad and good

I am at my best
because I rest
in my sweet saviors hand
floating through
waves big and small
in this sea
filled with people
short and tall

//

I am best
because I am nothing at all
but His
and there is nothing greater
I could truly wish

as I imagine
adventures atop a building
weidling
a sword
or fighting with fists

I see all the love
and hope I would miss

I see how my heart
each moment
would feel

near death

as if each breath
strained and prescious
pushed me forward

to fight

yes this is the light
we do not see
the movies
or stories
or mysteries

we see them as great and grand
to go off in a foreign land

but It's a Wonderful Life
has it right
to "have friends is to be rich"
and in that currency
things take on a different light

and our future

our place

our moments
are so much more bright

//

Don't get stuck in the plight
the fight
against yourself
against your heart
the Lord is screaming
in and through
you

in a voice
so loving and so sweet
that you might never meet
for fear of being wrong
or mishearing
or being busy too long
and yet He is here
He is near
He is...

everywhere.

A Time for Love

When you walk out

to the brisk fall air

you feel there

like all of you is screaming

with every fibre dreaming

and that leaning

for company and a hot drink

are all

that your mind can think

of

and not of work

but of love

of things from above

of others

smothered

with goodness

as it swirls around you and howls

emphasized in every vowel

in every smile

every hug

fall is such a time for love.

LITTLE

Like an explosion

little

crashed in

ready to win

to play

ready to save the day

from lions and tigers and burlgars

oh my!

and I

on my back

would gaze at the sky

Big,

what are you doing?

she would ask

and I lost in thought

so rarely relaxed

would snap

jarred by the noise

of this girl

who thinks herself a boy

little, leave me alone

and I would push away

only to regret that another day

and so it goes

the ones you know

are more precious

than any outfit

furniture

or stone

to be alone

is to be poor

you will always be wanting more

but its that crashing in the door

that you really

secretly

will be longing for

*(after some time)

//

[Love you, little]

BECOMING (me)

colors

red and blue and green

every color you’ve ever seen

and more

are tiptoeing on the floor

when I am supposed to be doing

more

well, really

what I’m supposed to do

it is just me

and you

this entity

in me

that wants to be

to push the limits

to be free

like a pupae

changed

I push

and stretch

till crack

and like a fountain fall

and realize it was not an explosion at all

but a creation of being

of freeing

of renewing

restoring

equipping

fulfilling

love spilling

till tears well in my eyes

seeing that all along

the Lord answered my every cry.

Ya Mon, Jamaica

words stop up
with each sip of my cup
mango
intoxicated
with dextrose
drowning in the cold cold mix

oh what a twist
on such a precious
gift

what a rift

//

Going to Jamaica we were so incredibly excited. It celebrated the end of a season of crazy planning and the beginning of our lifetime partnership. As we flew over and watched island after beautiful turquoise island our anticipation bubbled up in our chest. A great things because the air pressure was at times overwhelming.

We landed in Jamaica to be greeted by line after line to pass into the Jamaican world. It looked like something out of Flipper, the movie, with bright colors, somewhat dilapidated but definitely beachy. Once we were free and had found our driving company we were met with a drink, and our driver. He talked to us the whole time and showed us the Hip Street and shared music interests and family information. That was the first time we learned how hard it was for Jamaicans to leave the country. A visa is crazy expensive and you aren't always guaranteed to pass even though you paid all the money and did nothing wrong.


Each day was filled with an adventure. One day we traveled on an infamous catamaran to Dunn's River Falls. We stopped and snorkeled on the way only to see the out skirts of the reefs and to realize that the black sea urchins are pretty much evil/will attack you. It was beautiful to sail on the boat and to look down at the clear blue water.

The Dunn Rivers Falls itself was an adventure. We had to hold hands with strangers connected to our guide who took us up a path he had surely taken millions of times. At first glance it looks insane and only increases in insanity as you go and yet we all made it to the top having had "back massages", a "slide" and many more funny adventures created to add to the trip. The way home was a party. I told them I didn't drink but they pushed a beer on Tyler- too funny. It was okay for me not to drink but not for Tyler. Everyone was pretty inebriated and drinking (I had been warned by friends) which led to some hilarious moments. A larger bellied man attempting to pole dance/work the crowd with his hilarious dance moves. It was a good time for dancing but we were glad to leave and regain our hearing.

We went snorkeling on site at the hotel and that was a beauty. They gave us no real warning talk except to follow our guide and follow we did. We did not stay on the outskirts but went right over and in. We were surrounded by reefs teeming with different types of life. There were sea anemones everywhere and fish darting in and around. At one point I was following close behind our guide when just like in finding nemo there was one jelly fish and then a million tiny jellies. I'm freaking out because usually I recognize them and I don't be he is leading us straight to them. He comes up for breath and I ask if they sting and he says no mon with a non expressive face and goes right back down. Okay, I think, I can do this. And suddenly you see on some of the larger jellies this light pulsating around them. It was beautiful! And then to our right was a moon jelly. It was like time had slowed down and we were kids. I tried to dive down near the reef knowing I would regret it if I didn't. The first few times killed pressure wise. After a while I was able to go down and swim through the grasses to smaller rocks only to see TWO big evil black sea urchins peeking up at me. I swam quickly to the top and pointed to alert Tyler to their presence. It was a great adventure I was sad to see end.

The rest of our time there was spent eating delicious food and learning Patois (or attempting to).

It's hard to write about everything.

The people are beautiful and funny and healthy and kind. They have a great sense of humor and enjoy every moment. The smell of the incense (musk) filled every corner of the hotel with a home like scent. Our favorite part, hands down was Ahh.. Ras Natango Gallery and Garden where we made good friends, learned about an amazing family, met with a beautiful woman Marcia, and had lunch with some police officers during a crazy rain storm.

It was an answered prayer. The night before I was telling Tyler how much my heart hurt being at the resort. It seemed like such a gentrified area. We were given everything while outside the gates people lived in what seemed like extreme poverty. My heart yearned to really know Jamaica and to know how to help. Here we were talking with our new favorite Jamaican family and police officers about real Jamaican problems. To add to that they were talking about things that could be done to make a difference. Ahh.. Ras Natango employs Jamaicans and if they want to go to school of sorts they help pay the way and also pay them for working monday through friday when they truly only come to work on friday because of school. They also help clothe and take care of them. They were an amazing family and it was such a blessing to be there.

We also ventured out at night to see the Luminous Lagoon, another night had dinner on the beach, and another night explored in our really nice clothes a little strip of rock to find a star fish, debris covered sea urchin and the evil black sea urchin. Which really isn't evil, it just had this creepy vibe about it so that even I couldn't overcome to grab. Turns out if you come close they will reach out and poke/stab you. No good! So not evil just dangerous. A cool thing we discovered on our fancy probably illegal walk were chiton's. I never knew what they were/looked like but their armor like top and snake like edges were so incredibly fascinating.

It was an incredible trip where we got to see the best of luxury and the best of Jamaica. We fell in love with real Jamaica and our friends are constantly in our thoughts.

Here is one of my favorite Jamaican songs I have loved for some time. It mirrors our talks with the police officers about the hard nature of their job and how the youth have no good things to occupy their time with (because of cutting of art and other things in school) and it shows with the increase in violence/bad activities.

An amazing people with an amazing heart. They are genuine through and through and loving and vulnerable kind.

One love!