Heart Update

At 3 am, I awake to a cough. I know that cough. I drag myself out of slumber to peek around the corner of the bed. Tripp is heaving and I hear her throw up. I let myself lay down but something nags. I use my phone and see a bone. She had swallowed up the rawhide whole. I clean up the mess and then sit and comfort her. As I pet her fur I feel like a mom. Wide awake in the wee hours, my heart in tune to what it needs to do without the cost. Something inside of me has made the switch. It isn't anything I did. It's like God designed with pregnancy a change in emotion to include this must do attitude. There is no option, you have to do what you have to do.

We will see how that transpires with our baby boy.

I don't much get emotional but at moments I do. When I haven't felt him move in a long time and suddenly he kicks strongly at the too tight seat belt. Buddy, I feel it too! Things are too tight these days.

It's an amazing transition.

In the beginning I freaked out. We had just gotten a puppy and bought a house. We were in a class to become debt free. As Tyler drove to get the test and I took a shower, I prayed. I wouldn't let myself leave the shower until I was ready. I prayed knowing that the Lord had provided me with so much throughout my life and He wouldn't stop now. I prayed for His peace that passes understanding. I prayed He would give me hope when I need it most. My sweet provider has more than provided.

I then felt like I should wait for God to provide the things we need for our baby. The list of things we have been given is incredible. Including a stroller I prayed for specifically- a city mini stroller. We also have been given a pack and play, crib, rug, diaper changing pad, books, bottles, clothes, and so much more.

God also blessed Tyler with a wonderful job opportunity. A way to provide for our family so that we can be okay if I stayed home with our boy. On top of that we can slowly continue to pay off our debts. What a blessing.

All of this to say- God is good and has answered every prayer. It has and will continue to be a journey but our God is so sweet. Continuing to trust that He has a plan and we need only to rest and trust in Him.

Hope you all are well!

e

A Friend

Things happen
time fades
I slip back
into the familiar shade

as the transition progresses
pregnancy successes
no tears
just ready
steady
let's go ( :

and wouldn't you know
in walks a friend
and that's the end

for a moment

I see this man in front of me
so sweet
patient and kind
who has shown me into his mind
with little gestures
with meanings beyond

and I realize
how incredibly fond
I am of this place and what it means

a beautiful in between

a family of sorts
some in cohorts
others push back
but still with love there is so much slack

Darryl says hi
Robert offers help
Chelsea sings and laughs
and the kids, oh I can't start with that

friends are special
they don't even know
sometimes
it makes me sad to go

The Everlasting

There is within
a tiny tiny soul

pieces slowly coming together
to make a perfectly knit whole

and as I
the laborer
let God
the creator

to cell by cell
ensure all is well
as my heart
is racing
afraid of what I might be facing

and yet I'm not

baby Hal
is growing and pressing
making me change my dressing
to fit
this tiny one
as he/she commands more space
and I am dying
to see their sweet face

in the meantime
I feel lost
bereft
as if a part of me has been shaved off and burned
as if nothing can be earned
to save me from this slumber
as if post partem
has decided to sit upon my face
far from its acceptable place

and so with each whine
God realigns my heart
from pity
to this
to a bliss that comes from working
from doing
and moving
and loving

when all in me cries sleep
but to do so would keep
me from the same things at eight
and so I push

so I stretch

measured not in pounds but in prayers
as I search for the one who is always there
trying to find His face
hoping His place
is with the one we love

and as we look to above I feel His peace
I feel such hope
and yet
the other times
I miserably try to cope
on my own

cast off my throne
let it alone

and trust the Everlasting. 

Messy

These two songs have been my heart beat lately. How wonderful to have a song that captures a single moment and yet it still dives deeper to reveal desires in your heart you're still working on.

Completely
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOs9M095dhM

Lord, I'm Ready Now
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24

//

Beautiful things
are indeed

messy

like tufts of flowers
stuck here and there

if you looked closely
would you see the care
the intentionality
the melody
and harmony alike

but like a strike

mess

is pressed
against the flowers
It's letters
burning
a hole

some of the beauty
stolen
and charred

growth
barred

heart scarred

and so those things just wait
for a special date
of hope
of a day
of not having to cope
but being able to release

please, I pray

and each day
there is a new way
until
BAM

here I am
in the middle of the mess
medicine to the test
realizing the complexity
of things in me

the mess all along
has been so incredibly strong
and though I see the beauty
in a twisting and twirling tree
and admire it with glee
my own twists and turns
made me yearn
for straightness

for a mind
that would find
a task
and do it
without getting lost in
after
and through it

and so
the invisible new friend
reared its head
but not out of anger
but confusion

what is it you've said?

I have what?

are you sure?

the cure?

counseling
coaches
prescriptions
and more

and like a door
hope walks in
with a big grin
saying see
there's nothing wrong with me

this is normal
and it is hard
so lets pick up this shard
this burnt mess

and call it blessed

give it water and help it grow
and help others to know

I have ADHD

and I am thankful
and I am blessed
because I am me.

Pining for the Sea of Grasses and Green

People buzzing
everywhere
no stares
and yet
their conversations
like glares
butt in

oh the sin

oh the trajedy

no peace i see

in this city

the buzzing begins
and the shaking
and grins
the moment
from sleep i stretch
and reluctantly greet the day

and oh, what a day
each day grows greyer
and darker
and dim

lost in thoughts i swim

//

oh the wind
the glorious
fresh
moist wind
void of the gaseous
grim
the grey choking mist
that with its gentle fist
slowly
destroys

outside
is no longer safe
instead it chafes
erodes
bruises

it abuses
the heart soul and mind

as if one green patch
to find
would be a fortune

and ahh to be fortunate enough
to find a place so plush
with moist moss
and slippery mud
with a bank below
in which you can gracefully thud
and laugh

oh what is that?

what is that open expanse
that makes you gasp
not from the stench
but from the wrenching
oh this is it

this is the life

and yet as you look carefully
you see the strife
twisted in the barrels
and the cars
sitting there
abandoned
under the stars
you see the people
tied to a life of one place
you see familiar
and distorted faces
lost
in their home
a place unknown
and yet precious

so as we search
for a home of our own
this gasping i find
no peace of mind
only the stench
of impossibilities. 

NODA & everywhere

Here

people
short and tall
and loud

people
purple
and black and bleu

songs reminiscent
of the things one knew

and as we take in the orangey gold
our bodies grow old

passing with each sip
each laugh
each death gaze
followed by a "what?"

and as time
slides
right by
it does anything but fly
it settles
and like a nettle
stings
my barren flesh
till my heart bubbles like mesh
and drip
drop
drip
comes the trip

the influx
of enemies from a foggy land
of pining for the sea and sand
of a friend of long who for now is gone
and how life is better with a song

yes my mind
bounces back to these
and like a sneeze
I am snapped back
from this time lapse

to now

to how

time is going, going
but not yet gone
how i am sometimes wrong
and selfish
and stubborn
and mean
but how, too, I am truly
inbetween

bad and good

I am at my best
because I rest
in my sweet saviors hand
floating through
waves big and small
in this sea
filled with people
short and tall

//

I am best
because I am nothing at all
but His
and there is nothing greater
I could truly wish

as I imagine
adventures atop a building
weidling
a sword
or fighting with fists

I see all the love
and hope I would miss

I see how my heart
each moment
would feel

near death

as if each breath
strained and prescious
pushed me forward

to fight

yes this is the light
we do not see
the movies
or stories
or mysteries

we see them as great and grand
to go off in a foreign land

but It's a Wonderful Life
has it right
to "have friends is to be rich"
and in that currency
things take on a different light

and our future

our place

our moments
are so much more bright

//

Don't get stuck in the plight
the fight
against yourself
against your heart
the Lord is screaming
in and through
you

in a voice
so loving and so sweet
that you might never meet
for fear of being wrong
or mishearing
or being busy too long
and yet He is here
He is near
He is...

everywhere.

A Time for Love

When you walk out

to the brisk fall air

you feel there

like all of you is screaming

with every fibre dreaming

and that leaning

for company and a hot drink

are all

that your mind can think

of

and not of work

but of love

of things from above

of others

smothered

with goodness

as it swirls around you and howls

emphasized in every vowel

in every smile

every hug

fall is such a time for love.