Selfish Mutuality

Selfish mutuality
was the start
but now selfish control
reigns over our hearts

I see this now
with loves here
and loves far
flickering like a little star
some days so close and some so dear
and other days I am running
that love is dangerously near
and so as it flickers
and flashes
and I surreptitiously
dash
it
follows me still

till

day by day
the Lord helps me to say
"it is well
and it is yours"
and I give it
bit by bit

my heart
swelling with hope
and new ways to cope
through these murky
ways
that show the mess
of being blessed
and believing goodness over lies

sometimes all we need is a good cry
and to ask the question why
to wait
and to believe
that this thing that relieves
is real
true
and good
and that this God would
send his son
to die
and it is okay to ask why
and to trust or distrust
realizing that we "must"
not do these things or else
but in this path of love
we find ourselves
and in that find some freedom. 

//

Sorry
I would love to say
to the one who brightens my day
and always carries my load
and who lives in such a positive mode
you bring such light to me
and when that is not returned
I am so sorry

but

I am trying to not say
sorry
every day
but to accept
that in every way
we cannot be
perfectly
or even great

sometimes we will be too soon
and sometimes too late

but God

has orchestrated
a beautiful plan
for you, such a handsome man,
and me, a beautiful girl
in my own way,
and I am so thankful
day to day
for how He shows me Him in you
and it's nothing you have to do
but just a reflection
that is true

each day is special
different
new
but thankfully the same

because of you

a friend once said
she knew that God loved her
and her husband did too
and that was all she needed
and as I searched and searched
to find myself
my identity the Lord always held
and slowly revealed

and then I met you
and the rest of me healed
and is doing so now

I find solace knowing this a now
thing
and not forever

that this bond we have
will never be untethered
but strengthened and renewed
and we will be strong independently
and live with a selfish mutuality.

Love you, T!