Mom told me
they tried group
therapy once
for me
I didn't handle things well
she said
pieces clicking
together
in my head
so what does this say?
where does this leave me today?
afraid to write
afraid God might be right
that life is
and can be better
and the voices I've always known are lies
cries push in from every side
but behind walls my heart hides
and gently pushes back
yes, now there is a blessed slack
a give
a break
more I can take
and yet don't have to
because my mind will gently release
the thoughts that keep my mind from peace
and as we push and prod
its like I receive a nod
from God
through words and phrases
and my depression
is less a season
more like phases
so as we pull back the layers
and see
the mess inside of me
bleeding on the ground
the source
with each part
is more easily found
simultaneously
my time with you is more sound
my love, my friend, my everything
so much peace and healing you bring
and as the voices sing and sometimes scream
you sing right back and hold me tight
and everything is right
we may not be over the river and through the woods.. yet
but for the first time I do not fret
I pray and see you are the perfect man for me
and my God has provided in all things
and especially with you
He is my heart beat tried and true
and suddenly life is a little more green than blue..
Tyler J. Claes, I love you!
Friday, May 16, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Practicing Life Like Jesus
"When it is all finished you will discover it was never random"
There are so many thoughts and opinions on everything. Everyone has their own truth and for so long that has been a reality I had accepted. Accept and love others as they are and let them have their own truth.
Now though, I'm challenged. In diving into the heart of Christianity, I have been pushed on all sides. By myself, my doubts, the world, and circumstances.
"there seemed a dark and dazzling darkness"
that divided the great deep
and as it swirled around me
I couldn't help but weep
How can I love people and love what they believe if Christ is the one true Savior, the way, the only truth? How can I spread his love without offending the ones he has put in my heart to love? How can I still be practicing self care while looking outward to the needs of my loved ones, neighbors and strangers? How can I do any of this with a swarming cloud of doubt?
And then with a big
heavy anvil droppped
p l o p
the whole world explodes
implodes
flatlined
redefined
I need wine
and yet that weight is then lifted
and each part
as if in reverse
rises
slowly gravitating
back to the start
before it was broken apart
stuck together
and held tight with a goo
stronger than glue
and then.. the artist appears
he draws near
and pushes and pulls
making the object
once empty and broken- full
he steps back
and returns
giving it another turn
a tug here
an addition there
with all the love and care
as a lover pulling back her hair and tucking it
behind her blushing ear
yes, he is here
and suddenly I see
"Christ [in me]
the hope of Glory"
but what currency have I
to have such hope
with so many other ways to cope
And off my mind flies to the things I used to fill the hole, to fill the why. I shop. I retreat. I sleep. I call friends. I cry to parents. I ignore the world.
And yet in the face of the heart of Christianity, the heart of Christ, the heart of the Gospel, the Good news, the way, I see a bright light being brought into the day. It is contrary to all I have ever known and ever really been taught BUT it fits in line with my conscience, with every part of my heart. It seems impossible and hard because it is. But then scripture fills my mind with truth "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
It makes no sense when it is in your mind, but when it reaches your heart. That is the start and the happy place I am now blessed to be. It was and is a journey though, taken one step at a time.
I felt so convicted before a retreat with the women at my church that I wasn't doing enough spiritually but deep in my heart I felt a peace and patience. I felt like God had to be the one to show me freedom in that moment, to show me that life would and will be alright, that life is good. You know what? He did and he is every day.
The world is literally screaming in my ear, pulling me away with distractions, but when I come back my heart is saying the same thing,"I want more". The only thing that truly fills, like a good home comfort meal, is Jesus.
And so, I've been reading The Mark of the Lion series, Jesus Calling and my bible and it has been fuel for the soul. Here are a few of my new favorite verses:
"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate/reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is in the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strength you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..."
Ephesians 3:16-18
Hope you have a great day and thank you for stopping by!
There are so many thoughts and opinions on everything. Everyone has their own truth and for so long that has been a reality I had accepted. Accept and love others as they are and let them have their own truth.
Now though, I'm challenged. In diving into the heart of Christianity, I have been pushed on all sides. By myself, my doubts, the world, and circumstances.
"there seemed a dark and dazzling darkness"
that divided the great deep
and as it swirled around me
I couldn't help but weep
How can I love people and love what they believe if Christ is the one true Savior, the way, the only truth? How can I spread his love without offending the ones he has put in my heart to love? How can I still be practicing self care while looking outward to the needs of my loved ones, neighbors and strangers? How can I do any of this with a swarming cloud of doubt?
And then with a big
heavy anvil droppped
p l o p
the whole world explodes
implodes
flatlined
redefined
I need wine
and yet that weight is then lifted
and each part
as if in reverse
rises
slowly gravitating
back to the start
before it was broken apart
stuck together
and held tight with a goo
stronger than glue
and then.. the artist appears
he draws near
and pushes and pulls
making the object
once empty and broken- full
he steps back
and returns
giving it another turn
a tug here
an addition there
with all the love and care
as a lover pulling back her hair and tucking it
behind her blushing ear
yes, he is here
and suddenly I see
"Christ [in me]
the hope of Glory"
but what currency have I
to have such hope
with so many other ways to cope
And off my mind flies to the things I used to fill the hole, to fill the why. I shop. I retreat. I sleep. I call friends. I cry to parents. I ignore the world.
And yet in the face of the heart of Christianity, the heart of Christ, the heart of the Gospel, the Good news, the way, I see a bright light being brought into the day. It is contrary to all I have ever known and ever really been taught BUT it fits in line with my conscience, with every part of my heart. It seems impossible and hard because it is. But then scripture fills my mind with truth "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
It makes no sense when it is in your mind, but when it reaches your heart. That is the start and the happy place I am now blessed to be. It was and is a journey though, taken one step at a time.
I felt so convicted before a retreat with the women at my church that I wasn't doing enough spiritually but deep in my heart I felt a peace and patience. I felt like God had to be the one to show me freedom in that moment, to show me that life would and will be alright, that life is good. You know what? He did and he is every day.
The world is literally screaming in my ear, pulling me away with distractions, but when I come back my heart is saying the same thing,"I want more". The only thing that truly fills, like a good home comfort meal, is Jesus.
And so, I've been reading The Mark of the Lion series, Jesus Calling and my bible and it has been fuel for the soul. Here are a few of my new favorite verses:
"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate/reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is in the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strength you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..."
Ephesians 3:16-18
Hope you have a great day and thank you for stopping by!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
His day
There are things even now
that compulsion would have me to do
but no
I won't be used
by my fickle emotions
and the anxiety that
wanders loose
no
I choose to sit
to wait
to be late
to embark
on a life with a different mark
trusting that God's spark
is not that intrusive thought
or that thing brought
into the forefront of my heart
no
I will be
and I will be me
separate
different
amazed
that life no longer trickles by like a haze
but is open and free
thank you, Lord, for defining me
and as the music slips in
like pictures
colors
that flash and sway
yes,
this is the day
that the Lord has made ( :
that compulsion would have me to do
but no
I won't be used
by my fickle emotions
and the anxiety that
wanders loose
no
I choose to sit
to wait
to be late
to embark
on a life with a different mark
trusting that God's spark
is not that intrusive thought
or that thing brought
into the forefront of my heart
no
I will be
and I will be me
separate
different
amazed
that life no longer trickles by like a haze
but is open and free
thank you, Lord, for defining me
and as the music slips in
like pictures
colors
that flash and sway
yes,
this is the day
that the Lord has made ( :
Monday, March 24, 2014
Beauty already made
People are so beautiful
brown/tan skin
pulled
as if connecting
to her dark brown hairs
that strand by strand
are further drawn
into a neat
bun
and like grace she steps in
to get a coffee
and take a sip
a momentary dip
into heaven
a pause
from the cause
of worry
of wants
of must do's
and yet as she looks at you
her strength is hardly recognized
behind her eyes
but something about her shows
a beauty that she may not even know
I wouldn't change a thing
what a beautiful ring
that phrase sounds
in a place
where so many change, conform, fit
she is it
herself
and perfect
brown/tan skin
pulled
as if connecting
to her dark brown hairs
that strand by strand
are further drawn
into a neat
bun
and like grace she steps in
to get a coffee
and take a sip
a momentary dip
into heaven
a pause
from the cause
of worry
of wants
of must do's
and yet as she looks at you
her strength is hardly recognized
behind her eyes
but something about her shows
a beauty that she may not even know
I wouldn't change a thing
what a beautiful ring
that phrase sounds
in a place
where so many change, conform, fit
she is it
herself
and perfect
Oh to sit will be heaven
Exposed ceilings
tower
their genuine strength
exhibiting power
so what is this hour
to sit and watch and wait
anticipate
as thought after thought
is brought
as with a wave
punching
the sides of my mind
the powerful wave kind
the one that paddling out to
you are stretching
and pulling water with all your might
to get over the water wall
that is doubling
within your sight
fright billows up slowly
as you suddenly
feel the disparity in size
between you
and this....
oh
eyes big
you make a wish
a prayer a hope
why can't we elope
and up and over but not without
the nose pressed in
and water spilling
over the front
smack dab in your face
what a hearts race!
satin and lace
on the other side
I slide down
elated
but this time is not weighted
and slow
oh no
off again we go
as the water is piling high
seeming to touch the sky
and so I grab, pull, push
arms turning to mush
but propelled
against this beast
oh what a feast to sit will be...
tower
their genuine strength
exhibiting power
so what is this hour
to sit and watch and wait
anticipate
as thought after thought
is brought
as with a wave
punching
the sides of my mind
the powerful wave kind
the one that paddling out to
you are stretching
and pulling water with all your might
to get over the water wall
that is doubling
within your sight
fright billows up slowly
as you suddenly
feel the disparity in size
between you
and this....
oh
eyes big
you make a wish
a prayer a hope
why can't we elope
and up and over but not without
the nose pressed in
and water spilling
over the front
smack dab in your face
what a hearts race!
satin and lace
on the other side
I slide down
elated
but this time is not weighted
and slow
oh no
off again we go
as the water is piling high
seeming to touch the sky
and so I grab, pull, push
arms turning to mush
but propelled
against this beast
oh what a feast to sit will be...
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Give Me Faith
In a beautiful world
those dream moments would stay
and all day
would be lazy
and full
filled to the rim with moments by a pool
dipping into the cool
mystery
that lurks below
or the jumping and sliding
cascading down
hills covered in snow
and yet
I regret to say
it is not so
though this world is beautiful
it is broken
twisted
torn
it is rubbed in
scratched and worn
for all our trying, buying and distracting
at the end we will always come up with what we're lacking
and how we need more
when really it is all a war
a war for our mind
a war for our soul
a war for control
and so as the world plunges at you with
this and with that
and your hopes are shattered
and fall with a splat
fill your world with songs and birds
flowers and sweet words
know that you are not alone
and though it feels it
this is not the end
You are loved, cherished, wanted
my dear dear friend
and you are not being deserted or left to die
left sitting and asking why
no, step by step He is lovingly taking your hand
and opening your heart to understand
He is here
ever near and always giving
He is bright and He is living
and He will surely be the light
that comes on at night
when all your fears are churning
and your heart is writhing and burning
and desire after desire creeps in
yes
He is there too
walking with you
holding you
He is.. "the first, the last,
our future and our past"
He is with you
Lord, please give us faith..
those dream moments would stay
and all day
would be lazy
and full
filled to the rim with moments by a pool
dipping into the cool
mystery
that lurks below
or the jumping and sliding
cascading down
hills covered in snow
and yet
I regret to say
it is not so
though this world is beautiful
it is broken
twisted
torn
it is rubbed in
scratched and worn
for all our trying, buying and distracting
at the end we will always come up with what we're lacking
and how we need more
when really it is all a war
a war for our mind
a war for our soul
a war for control
and so as the world plunges at you with
this and with that
and your hopes are shattered
and fall with a splat
fill your world with songs and birds
flowers and sweet words
know that you are not alone
and though it feels it
this is not the end
You are loved, cherished, wanted
my dear dear friend
and you are not being deserted or left to die
left sitting and asking why
no, step by step He is lovingly taking your hand
and opening your heart to understand
He is here
ever near and always giving
He is bright and He is living
and He will surely be the light
that comes on at night
when all your fears are churning
and your heart is writhing and burning
and desire after desire creeps in
yes
He is there too
walking with you
holding you
He is.. "the first, the last,
our future and our past"
He is with you
Lord, please give us faith..
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Birds Nest of a Heart
"I can't do this" my heart cries
I know its lies
but Anxiety with its beady button eyes
is louder
than the truck rumbling by
than the songs that swirl and fly
filling my room
smellier than the calming candle
there is no handle
no out
no off switch
this is the hitch
Where is the cure?
Unraveling
with each tiny tug
at my string
till bit by bit
I am tearing at the seams
bursting to be free
where is that dazzling
that peace was supposed to bring
"turn from yourself
and you will be free"
words I know
and words I see
but how do I be
how do I not do
how do I accept You?
when my heart is a crinkly mess
more poked full of trash
than a birds nest
overflowing with plastic
hair
and things that should not be there
how do I see you?
Lord, you are stronger than any emotional storm
you are stronger than my anxious norm
you held my hand
physically
when I cried out of a dark place
when your face
seemed so far
and yet so near
cheek to cheek
you held me dear
and so despite my fears
and feelings of desperation
I call upon the Lord of our Nation
the one and only
our holy Yaweh
may You be with me tonight
and as always
make everything aright
In His precious and heavenly name, amen
I know its lies
but Anxiety with its beady button eyes
is louder
than the truck rumbling by
than the songs that swirl and fly
filling my room
smellier than the calming candle
there is no handle
no out
no off switch
this is the hitch
Where is the cure?
Unraveling
with each tiny tug
at my string
till bit by bit
I am tearing at the seams
bursting to be free
where is that dazzling
that peace was supposed to bring
"turn from yourself
and you will be free"
words I know
and words I see
but how do I be
how do I not do
how do I accept You?
when my heart is a crinkly mess
more poked full of trash
than a birds nest
overflowing with plastic
hair
and things that should not be there
how do I see you?
Lord, you are stronger than any emotional storm
you are stronger than my anxious norm
you held my hand
physically
when I cried out of a dark place
when your face
seemed so far
and yet so near
cheek to cheek
you held me dear
and so despite my fears
and feelings of desperation
I call upon the Lord of our Nation
the one and only
our holy Yaweh
may You be with me tonight
and as always
make everything aright
In His precious and heavenly name, amen
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