A drop can destroy if it is from a boy....

What a drop
to destroy
the way I do
me
and how you have made me
to be

what a different phase of being
and yet
why am I seeing
so much disconnect

and a need to protect
death and decay
having their way with each passing thought

not jealousy brought
but a recurring hurt
of not being enough
which is tough

because there is one that I love
more than I ever did the other
and yet it still smothers
my beating and anxious heart
which starts
and patters
what's the matter?

I ask
trying to bask in a moment of peace
a sweet release from the norm
but on comes the storm

not just that
but with a splat
drops are pouring
as the lives are warring
taking tiredness out on the other

yes my heart is smothered
Lord so much to do
and to say
and not seeming a way
please help light the way
cover me with your shade
help me see how I have been made
and who you are
let me not go far

amen.

(so thankful to be with a man)

Sacred Moments

Sacred are the moments when
the world that once so jarringly spinned
smooths
for a time
and like the teal and lime
that curls over
the line is drug
cutting
glass
as water spills
a breaking of the wills
cascades over
and I
with hands overhead
tumble
and am dead
dead to the things "to do"
dead to the things "I once knew"
done and through

as I seek "you"

I feel the pressure
I feel the want
and as if I have squandered
minutes, moments, years
filled with sorrowful tears
of guilt
and wishing
and now life is dishing
rest without rest

a true test of morals
and I
with my florals
lie
dead

burnt beyond relief
but what is this I see?
a call
oh wait! now two
and suddenly I can do

I want to live
I want to breathe
something is alive inside of me
on my own I cannot
but these gifts have made
a way
to make it through just today

(not suicidal just burnt out to the max and feeling blessed from some calls from three of my favorite people on the planet- seeing his grace through them when I cannot otherwise move. So thankful and full of praise today!)

T.G.I.F.'s

Words read
or a paintbrush's strokes
could not explain
the moment with these folks

a coming to a head
not with a hate
or a fear
but a wanting to draw near

and as each wall crumbled to the side
no more they had to hide
but honestly express
what they thought

and less
and more

and what the distance was for
and how it can be no more

yes, greatness
came before

with sappy music playing
behind each word we were saying
a moment to be shared and not forgotten
this love is now locked in
not that it wasn't before
but now it is somehow more
and we have the Lord to be thankful for
for He restores
rekindles and strengthens
and through Him our friendship is lengthened
now and forever more

Happy Birthday to my Biggest Fan!

There are some
who play
catch
with their dad's

not me
I watched him chop down
trees
that did not need to be chopped

and when we played catch
my face got bopped
and I cried

so I lied
we did play catch

this guy-
well, I thought he was
brighter than the sun in the sky
and still do
he is the only one
that can get through
to me sometimes
who has always seen
a value
to my rhymes

who has listened
as I rambled on and on
about work and friends and such
and through that
I felt loved so much

whether he was in a strip club
or a bar
because of business he was far
but his heart was always near
and he made that clear
as those places he didn't want to be
but he wanted to be with mom, tori, and me

every moment he still says
"hold on, honey...

what's up?"

putting a pause
to the cause for our monetary support
as if anything could afford
to wait
for me

he made me feel so loved
and helped me to understand
that there is more to life
than what is at hand
and yet
to take it

one step at a time

and so this little rhyme
is for the greatest man I have yet to know
and through which I have been shown
such kindness
and have found a guy in his likeness
someone kind and funny and sweet
they say, your dad, you hope to meet

so Dad, thank you for the many moments
great and bad
for all the moments yet to be had
I can't begin to think about life without you
so today
Happy 61st can't wait for 62!

Love you!! 

The Truth I am Accepting

Off kilter
I feel my body slide
inside and out
I want to shout
but "c'est la vie"
this is life
but oh the strife
that pilages and plunders
and threatens to do me under
and yet such grace surrounds
so why do I drown
in these thoughts
of uncertainty
when certainty
is my rock
my truth
my being
the very thing that is freeing
is the very thing I am not seeing
that this
is not important
it is temporary
it is happening
but it will all work out
yes, I still want to shout
and hesitate
to accept that "it will be okay"
but this I must choose to say
because it is the truth
I am accepting
forever
and today. 

Selfish Mutuality

Selfish mutuality
was the start
but now selfish control
reigns over our hearts

I see this now
with loves here
and loves far
flickering like a little star
some days so close and some so dear
and other days I am running
that love is dangerously near
and so as it flickers
and flashes
and I surreptitiously
dash
it
follows me still

till

day by day
the Lord helps me to say
"it is well
and it is yours"
and I give it
bit by bit

my heart
swelling with hope
and new ways to cope
through these murky
ways
that show the mess
of being blessed
and believing goodness over lies

sometimes all we need is a good cry
and to ask the question why
to wait
and to believe
that this thing that relieves
is real
true
and good
and that this God would
send his son
to die
and it is okay to ask why
and to trust or distrust
realizing that we "must"
not do these things or else
but in this path of love
we find ourselves
and in that find some freedom. 

//

Sorry
I would love to say
to the one who brightens my day
and always carries my load
and who lives in such a positive mode
you bring such light to me
and when that is not returned
I am so sorry

but

I am trying to not say
sorry
every day
but to accept
that in every way
we cannot be
perfectly
or even great

sometimes we will be too soon
and sometimes too late

but God

has orchestrated
a beautiful plan
for you, such a handsome man,
and me, a beautiful girl
in my own way,
and I am so thankful
day to day
for how He shows me Him in you
and it's nothing you have to do
but just a reflection
that is true

each day is special
different
new
but thankfully the same

because of you

a friend once said
she knew that God loved her
and her husband did too
and that was all she needed
and as I searched and searched
to find myself
my identity the Lord always held
and slowly revealed

and then I met you
and the rest of me healed
and is doing so now

I find solace knowing this a now
thing
and not forever

that this bond we have
will never be untethered
but strengthened and renewed
and we will be strong independently
and live with a selfish mutuality.

Love you, T!

Warehouse Small Group

As a letter I pen
these words spend
their time
the first of many rhymes
and far from the last

I am blasted with the past
with past struggles and times of process
what a "beautiful mess"

and yet as I sit here
humbled
by the beautiful woman around me
talking of things free
and yet so convicting
as to challenge the very being
of my beating
heart
starting
a change
and with this rearrange
I react
with little tact
but these women respond
as I've forever longed
and am every day
taking in...

with grace

this space
so empty and full
feeling quite like the fool
for being so strong in what I believe
and yet
the Lord
relieves
the pressure from my heart
and shows me the way
to listen and not say
until unbound
words resound
on loving ears
and these words are just
words

fears
no more

eyes cast to the floor
and yet
all their eyes on me
helping me to see
that they will be
in this moment
just as I will with them
and so is this race that we swim

in the ebb and flow
of this getting to know

a beautiful new group of women.