"I can't do this" my heart cries
I know its lies
but Anxiety with its beady button eyes
is louder
than the truck rumbling by
than the songs that swirl and fly
filling my room
smellier than the calming candle
there is no handle
no out
no off switch
this is the hitch
Where is the cure?
Unraveling
with each tiny tug
at my string
till bit by bit
I am tearing at the seams
bursting to be free
where is that dazzling
that peace was supposed to bring
"turn from yourself
and you will be free"
words I know
and words I see
but how do I be
how do I not do
how do I accept You?
when my heart is a crinkly mess
more poked full of trash
than a birds nest
overflowing with plastic
hair
and things that should not be there
how do I see you?
Lord, you are stronger than any emotional storm
you are stronger than my anxious norm
you held my hand
physically
when I cried out of a dark place
when your face
seemed so far
and yet so near
cheek to cheek
you held me dear
and so despite my fears
and feelings of desperation
I call upon the Lord of our Nation
the one and only
our holy Yaweh
may You be with me tonight
and as always
make everything aright
In His precious and heavenly name, amen
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
What is true?
It is funny how you see the world.
Everyone sees the world differently. Some who are depressed see the world in more of a gray scale. Some who are happy see the world as everyone being happy and never rocked by anything. Some don't really see the world at all. Rather, they see a distorted sense of reality. There exists within them many convincing voices and the very air seems to bend and break at will and not as would make scientific sense. Our minds and our experiences shape our view of the world.
What is your view of the world? What is your view of yourself? Where does God fit into the mix of all of these things?
I am in the middle of one of the potentially hardest times of transition I have and will possibly ever experience. You know what? I love it.
I love that every day is hard and yet good because I am learning to really see God. Life and faith are no longer easy to coincide. Nor is it easy to live in grace when religiousness/righteousness creeps in, saying," You need to do this this and this or you won't be this." So many lies and so many obligations. It is a hard time for sure of fishing out the lies and pushing them aside to accept the truth. So many times we talk about others truths. We say that to be politically correct.
What is true? God is helping us to figure life out one step at a time. I know it from the connections in my life. From how God has restored my life not with easy and perfect moments but with hard and loving solutions and moments/seasons of growth. I know it from how God provided a great and dynamic job that challenges me, a community that embraces me, a family that loves me, a church that restores me, and a man that adores, respects, and supports me. I have been very loved by God through my circumstances and by my community. I know this is not always the case. That God shows different things to different people in different ways. For some reason everything seems to go wrong and there seems no point. But I have learned that when you seek God with all of your heart you will find Him. God does not answer all of your questions at once and some not at all but He is there with you, guiding you.
On top of all that- He dismisses your fears. He challenges you to face your fears but not in the sense of walking into a room full of spiders or entering back into an abusive relationship- no, He lovingly provides similar but smaller scale situations that slowly chip away at fears grip on your heart. He has done this in time with me and I am so thankful.
God speaks to us in so many ways. He uses books with characters that are like us to help us realize we aren't alone and that we can do it. He uses movies with key lines or quotes that stick out to us in that exact moment to say- "hey, listen up, you need this". He guides you forward in community to be challenged not to be different but to be more you, to look at your strengths at your weaknesses and to God working in you.
Your life is brilliantly orchestrated and you are in for a wild and wonderful ride.
Happy Wednesday!
Everyone sees the world differently. Some who are depressed see the world in more of a gray scale. Some who are happy see the world as everyone being happy and never rocked by anything. Some don't really see the world at all. Rather, they see a distorted sense of reality. There exists within them many convincing voices and the very air seems to bend and break at will and not as would make scientific sense. Our minds and our experiences shape our view of the world.
What is your view of the world? What is your view of yourself? Where does God fit into the mix of all of these things?
I am in the middle of one of the potentially hardest times of transition I have and will possibly ever experience. You know what? I love it.
I love that every day is hard and yet good because I am learning to really see God. Life and faith are no longer easy to coincide. Nor is it easy to live in grace when religiousness/righteousness creeps in, saying," You need to do this this and this or you won't be this." So many lies and so many obligations. It is a hard time for sure of fishing out the lies and pushing them aside to accept the truth. So many times we talk about others truths. We say that to be politically correct.
What is true? God is helping us to figure life out one step at a time. I know it from the connections in my life. From how God has restored my life not with easy and perfect moments but with hard and loving solutions and moments/seasons of growth. I know it from how God provided a great and dynamic job that challenges me, a community that embraces me, a family that loves me, a church that restores me, and a man that adores, respects, and supports me. I have been very loved by God through my circumstances and by my community. I know this is not always the case. That God shows different things to different people in different ways. For some reason everything seems to go wrong and there seems no point. But I have learned that when you seek God with all of your heart you will find Him. God does not answer all of your questions at once and some not at all but He is there with you, guiding you.
On top of all that- He dismisses your fears. He challenges you to face your fears but not in the sense of walking into a room full of spiders or entering back into an abusive relationship- no, He lovingly provides similar but smaller scale situations that slowly chip away at fears grip on your heart. He has done this in time with me and I am so thankful.
God speaks to us in so many ways. He uses books with characters that are like us to help us realize we aren't alone and that we can do it. He uses movies with key lines or quotes that stick out to us in that exact moment to say- "hey, listen up, you need this". He guides you forward in community to be challenged not to be different but to be more you, to look at your strengths at your weaknesses and to God working in you.
Your life is brilliantly orchestrated and you are in for a wild and wonderful ride.
Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Condensation = Tea Sensation
"A great many people are trying to make peace, but that has already been done. God has NOT left it for us to do; all we have to do is enter into int."
D. L. Moody
//
a fog
slips in and Anxiety grins
as he drips slowly down
Depression, she frowns
"not again"
& so begins the swim
of an unrested impass
seeming to push
cloud after cloud
till at last
my hand holds fast... to water
the cloud condenses
Anxiety tenses
"No! There cannot be a release!"
and then as the rain falls
and the sky clears
there is peace
and I see not fog
or smog
or evil things
but the beauty
that good friends and tea can bring
as we speak of things of the Lord
and study his word
yes, a glittering gleam
is all my eyes see
what a beautiful, blessed sheen.
Blessed is the Lord. amen.
D. L. Moody
//
a fog
slips in and Anxiety grins
as he drips slowly down
Depression, she frowns
"not again"
& so begins the swim
of an unrested impass
seeming to push
cloud after cloud
till at last
my hand holds fast... to water
the cloud condenses
Anxiety tenses
"No! There cannot be a release!"
and then as the rain falls
and the sky clears
there is peace
and I see not fog
or smog
or evil things
but the beauty
that good friends and tea can bring
as we speak of things of the Lord
and study his word
yes, a glittering gleam
is all my eyes see
what a beautiful, blessed sheen.
Blessed is the Lord. amen.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Anxiety & Depression
Meet anxiety.
He has blue hair
that look like springs
little tattered wings
scratch that
no wings
just a head
a thought
eyes
black
empty and dead
scratch that
buttons
did I mention he was drawn with a crayon?
Now, my other companion,
depression
he is a different sort
because he isn't a he
meet "her"
she is moody
she likes to sleep
she isn't very motivated
harder to draw
because she lacks the fun
fantastical features of anxiety
but she is her own bird
a long line
laying down
wings covering her eyes
each feather clipped
to keep her from flying
above her is a dark
swirling cloud
anxiety laughs as I write this
as he throws tornadoes her way
yes, meet my new friends,
anxiety and depression
I'm getting to know them too
keep updated to see what they do!
He has blue hair
that look like springs
little tattered wings
scratch that
no wings
just a head
a thought
eyes
black
empty and dead
scratch that
buttons
did I mention he was drawn with a crayon?
Now, my other companion,
depression
he is a different sort
because he isn't a he
meet "her"
she is moody
she likes to sleep
she isn't very motivated
harder to draw
because she lacks the fun
fantastical features of anxiety
but she is her own bird
a long line
laying down
wings covering her eyes
each feather clipped
to keep her from flying
above her is a dark
swirling cloud
anxiety laughs as I write this
as he throws tornadoes her way
yes, meet my new friends,
anxiety and depression
I'm getting to know them too
keep updated to see what they do!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Light
The things that make us feelthe depth
of our soul
being opened
and down the damp, dark bricks
drops
the drips
of time
empty
slow
full
null
breathe
release
see
a season inside of me
breaking apart the damp, dark bricks
till light
beaming
screaming
from the crevaces inside of me
pushing and pulling
ruling
over the darkness
the doubt
the pain
and healing
like a beautiful rain
washes away
brick by brick
till slain
they lay
and I thankfully pray
thankfulness on thankfullness
this joy inside of me
thank you, Lord, for setting me free
if only others could see ( :
it is not so planned
so perfect
it is not rhythm or arithmetic
but it is
a thing of beauty
a thing of purpose
a plan
carried out within a span
of time
uncharacteristic of our own wants or fears
and yet the Lord daily draws us near
I know this not from a prescribed list of things I do
but because of things in my life
so beautiful and so new
and so perfect
only things God can do
and so thankfully I write on
sharing the dawn
to my night
my hearts great delight
of the beauty inside of me!
of our soul
being opened
and down the damp, dark bricks
drops
the drips
of time
empty
slow
full
null
breathe
release
see
a season inside of me
breaking apart the damp, dark bricks
till light
beaming
screaming
from the crevaces inside of me
pushing and pulling
ruling
over the darkness
the doubt
the pain
and healing
like a beautiful rain
washes away
brick by brick
till slain
they lay
and I thankfully pray
thankfulness on thankfullness
this joy inside of me
thank you, Lord, for setting me free
if only others could see ( :
it is not so planned
so perfect
it is not rhythm or arithmetic
but it is
a thing of beauty
a thing of purpose
a plan
carried out within a span
of time
uncharacteristic of our own wants or fears
and yet the Lord daily draws us near
I know this not from a prescribed list of things I do
but because of things in my life
so beautiful and so new
and so perfect
only things God can do
and so thankfully I write on
sharing the dawn
to my night
my hearts great delight
of the beauty inside of me!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
A drop can destroy if it is from a boy....
What a drop
to destroy
the way I do
me
and how you have made me
to be
what a different phase of being
and yet
why am I seeing
so much disconnect
and a need to protect
death and decay
having their way with each passing thought
not jealousy brought
but a recurring hurt
of not being enough
which is tough
because there is one that I love
more than I ever did the other
and yet it still smothers
my beating and anxious heart
which starts
and patters
what's the matter?
I ask
trying to bask in a moment of peace
a sweet release from the norm
but on comes the storm
not just that
but with a splat
drops are pouring
as the lives are warring
taking tiredness out on the other
yes my heart is smothered
Lord so much to do
and to say
and not seeming a way
please help light the way
cover me with your shade
help me see how I have been made
and who you are
let me not go far
amen.
(so thankful to be with a man)
to destroy
the way I do
me
and how you have made me
to be
what a different phase of being
and yet
why am I seeing
so much disconnect
and a need to protect
death and decay
having their way with each passing thought
not jealousy brought
but a recurring hurt
of not being enough
which is tough
because there is one that I love
more than I ever did the other
and yet it still smothers
my beating and anxious heart
which starts
and patters
what's the matter?
I ask
trying to bask in a moment of peace
a sweet release from the norm
but on comes the storm
not just that
but with a splat
drops are pouring
as the lives are warring
taking tiredness out on the other
yes my heart is smothered
Lord so much to do
and to say
and not seeming a way
please help light the way
cover me with your shade
help me see how I have been made
and who you are
let me not go far
amen.
(so thankful to be with a man)
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Sacred Moments
Sacred are the moments when
the world that once so jarringly spinned
smooths
for a time
and like the teal and lime
that curls over
the line is drug
cutting
glass
as water spills
a breaking of the wills
cascades over
and I
with hands overhead
tumble
and am dead
dead to the things "to do"
dead to the things "I once knew"
done and through
as I seek "you"
I feel the pressure
I feel the want
and as if I have squandered
minutes, moments, years
filled with sorrowful tears
of guilt
and wishing
and now life is dishing
rest without rest
a true test of morals
and I
with my florals
lie
dead
burnt beyond relief
but what is this I see?
a call
oh wait! now two
and suddenly I can do
I want to live
I want to breathe
something is alive inside of me
on my own I cannot
but these gifts have made
a way
to make it through just today
(not suicidal just burnt out to the max and feeling blessed from some calls from three of my favorite people on the planet- seeing his grace through them when I cannot otherwise move. So thankful and full of praise today!)
the world that once so jarringly spinned
smooths
for a time
and like the teal and lime
that curls over
the line is drug
cutting
glass
as water spills
a breaking of the wills
cascades over
and I
with hands overhead
tumble
and am dead
dead to the things "to do"
dead to the things "I once knew"
done and through
as I seek "you"
I feel the pressure
I feel the want
and as if I have squandered
minutes, moments, years
filled with sorrowful tears
of guilt
and wishing
and now life is dishing
rest without rest
a true test of morals
and I
with my florals
lie
dead
burnt beyond relief
but what is this I see?
a call
oh wait! now two
and suddenly I can do
I want to live
I want to breathe
something is alive inside of me
on my own I cannot
but these gifts have made
a way
to make it through just today
(not suicidal just burnt out to the max and feeling blessed from some calls from three of my favorite people on the planet- seeing his grace through them when I cannot otherwise move. So thankful and full of praise today!)
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