Pining for the Sea of Grasses and Green

People buzzing
everywhere
no stares
and yet
their conversations
like glares
butt in

oh the sin

oh the trajedy

no peace i see

in this city

the buzzing begins
and the shaking
and grins
the moment
from sleep i stretch
and reluctantly greet the day

and oh, what a day
each day grows greyer
and darker
and dim

lost in thoughts i swim

//

oh the wind
the glorious
fresh
moist wind
void of the gaseous
grim
the grey choking mist
that with its gentle fist
slowly
destroys

outside
is no longer safe
instead it chafes
erodes
bruises

it abuses
the heart soul and mind

as if one green patch
to find
would be a fortune

and ahh to be fortunate enough
to find a place so plush
with moist moss
and slippery mud
with a bank below
in which you can gracefully thud
and laugh

oh what is that?

what is that open expanse
that makes you gasp
not from the stench
but from the wrenching
oh this is it

this is the life

and yet as you look carefully
you see the strife
twisted in the barrels
and the cars
sitting there
abandoned
under the stars
you see the people
tied to a life of one place
you see familiar
and distorted faces
lost
in their home
a place unknown
and yet precious

so as we search
for a home of our own
this gasping i find
no peace of mind
only the stench
of impossibilities. 

NODA & everywhere

Here

people
short and tall
and loud

people
purple
and black and bleu

songs reminiscent
of the things one knew

and as we take in the orangey gold
our bodies grow old

passing with each sip
each laugh
each death gaze
followed by a "what?"

and as time
slides
right by
it does anything but fly
it settles
and like a nettle
stings
my barren flesh
till my heart bubbles like mesh
and drip
drop
drip
comes the trip

the influx
of enemies from a foggy land
of pining for the sea and sand
of a friend of long who for now is gone
and how life is better with a song

yes my mind
bounces back to these
and like a sneeze
I am snapped back
from this time lapse

to now

to how

time is going, going
but not yet gone
how i am sometimes wrong
and selfish
and stubborn
and mean
but how, too, I am truly
inbetween

bad and good

I am at my best
because I rest
in my sweet saviors hand
floating through
waves big and small
in this sea
filled with people
short and tall

//

I am best
because I am nothing at all
but His
and there is nothing greater
I could truly wish

as I imagine
adventures atop a building
weidling
a sword
or fighting with fists

I see all the love
and hope I would miss

I see how my heart
each moment
would feel

near death

as if each breath
strained and prescious
pushed me forward

to fight

yes this is the light
we do not see
the movies
or stories
or mysteries

we see them as great and grand
to go off in a foreign land

but It's a Wonderful Life
has it right
to "have friends is to be rich"
and in that currency
things take on a different light

and our future

our place

our moments
are so much more bright

//

Don't get stuck in the plight
the fight
against yourself
against your heart
the Lord is screaming
in and through
you

in a voice
so loving and so sweet
that you might never meet
for fear of being wrong
or mishearing
or being busy too long
and yet He is here
He is near
He is...

everywhere.

A Time for Love

When you walk out

to the brisk fall air

you feel there

like all of you is screaming

with every fibre dreaming

and that leaning

for company and a hot drink

are all

that your mind can think

of

and not of work

but of love

of things from above

of others

smothered

with goodness

as it swirls around you and howls

emphasized in every vowel

in every smile

every hug

fall is such a time for love.

LITTLE

Like an explosion

little

crashed in

ready to win

to play

ready to save the day

from lions and tigers and burlgars

oh my!

and I

on my back

would gaze at the sky

Big,

what are you doing?

she would ask

and I lost in thought

so rarely relaxed

would snap

jarred by the noise

of this girl

who thinks herself a boy

little, leave me alone

and I would push away

only to regret that another day

and so it goes

the ones you know

are more precious

than any outfit

furniture

or stone

to be alone

is to be poor

you will always be wanting more

but its that crashing in the door

that you really

secretly

will be longing for

*(after some time)

//

[Love you, little]

BECOMING (me)

colors

red and blue and green

every color you’ve ever seen

and more

are tiptoeing on the floor

when I am supposed to be doing

more

well, really

what I’m supposed to do

it is just me

and you

this entity

in me

that wants to be

to push the limits

to be free

like a pupae

changed

I push

and stretch

till crack

and like a fountain fall

and realize it was not an explosion at all

but a creation of being

of freeing

of renewing

restoring

equipping

fulfilling

love spilling

till tears well in my eyes

seeing that all along

the Lord answered my every cry.

Ya Mon, Jamaica

words stop up
with each sip of my cup
mango
intoxicated
with dextrose
drowning in the cold cold mix

oh what a twist
on such a precious
gift

what a rift

//

Going to Jamaica we were so incredibly excited. It celebrated the end of a season of crazy planning and the beginning of our lifetime partnership. As we flew over and watched island after beautiful turquoise island our anticipation bubbled up in our chest. A great things because the air pressure was at times overwhelming.

We landed in Jamaica to be greeted by line after line to pass into the Jamaican world. It looked like something out of Flipper, the movie, with bright colors, somewhat dilapidated but definitely beachy. Once we were free and had found our driving company we were met with a drink, and our driver. He talked to us the whole time and showed us the Hip Street and shared music interests and family information. That was the first time we learned how hard it was for Jamaicans to leave the country. A visa is crazy expensive and you aren't always guaranteed to pass even though you paid all the money and did nothing wrong.


Each day was filled with an adventure. One day we traveled on an infamous catamaran to Dunn's River Falls. We stopped and snorkeled on the way only to see the out skirts of the reefs and to realize that the black sea urchins are pretty much evil/will attack you. It was beautiful to sail on the boat and to look down at the clear blue water.

The Dunn Rivers Falls itself was an adventure. We had to hold hands with strangers connected to our guide who took us up a path he had surely taken millions of times. At first glance it looks insane and only increases in insanity as you go and yet we all made it to the top having had "back massages", a "slide" and many more funny adventures created to add to the trip. The way home was a party. I told them I didn't drink but they pushed a beer on Tyler- too funny. It was okay for me not to drink but not for Tyler. Everyone was pretty inebriated and drinking (I had been warned by friends) which led to some hilarious moments. A larger bellied man attempting to pole dance/work the crowd with his hilarious dance moves. It was a good time for dancing but we were glad to leave and regain our hearing.

We went snorkeling on site at the hotel and that was a beauty. They gave us no real warning talk except to follow our guide and follow we did. We did not stay on the outskirts but went right over and in. We were surrounded by reefs teeming with different types of life. There were sea anemones everywhere and fish darting in and around. At one point I was following close behind our guide when just like in finding nemo there was one jelly fish and then a million tiny jellies. I'm freaking out because usually I recognize them and I don't be he is leading us straight to them. He comes up for breath and I ask if they sting and he says no mon with a non expressive face and goes right back down. Okay, I think, I can do this. And suddenly you see on some of the larger jellies this light pulsating around them. It was beautiful! And then to our right was a moon jelly. It was like time had slowed down and we were kids. I tried to dive down near the reef knowing I would regret it if I didn't. The first few times killed pressure wise. After a while I was able to go down and swim through the grasses to smaller rocks only to see TWO big evil black sea urchins peeking up at me. I swam quickly to the top and pointed to alert Tyler to their presence. It was a great adventure I was sad to see end.

The rest of our time there was spent eating delicious food and learning Patois (or attempting to).

It's hard to write about everything.

The people are beautiful and funny and healthy and kind. They have a great sense of humor and enjoy every moment. The smell of the incense (musk) filled every corner of the hotel with a home like scent. Our favorite part, hands down was Ahh.. Ras Natango Gallery and Garden where we made good friends, learned about an amazing family, met with a beautiful woman Marcia, and had lunch with some police officers during a crazy rain storm.

It was an answered prayer. The night before I was telling Tyler how much my heart hurt being at the resort. It seemed like such a gentrified area. We were given everything while outside the gates people lived in what seemed like extreme poverty. My heart yearned to really know Jamaica and to know how to help. Here we were talking with our new favorite Jamaican family and police officers about real Jamaican problems. To add to that they were talking about things that could be done to make a difference. Ahh.. Ras Natango employs Jamaicans and if they want to go to school of sorts they help pay the way and also pay them for working monday through friday when they truly only come to work on friday because of school. They also help clothe and take care of them. They were an amazing family and it was such a blessing to be there.

We also ventured out at night to see the Luminous Lagoon, another night had dinner on the beach, and another night explored in our really nice clothes a little strip of rock to find a star fish, debris covered sea urchin and the evil black sea urchin. Which really isn't evil, it just had this creepy vibe about it so that even I couldn't overcome to grab. Turns out if you come close they will reach out and poke/stab you. No good! So not evil just dangerous. A cool thing we discovered on our fancy probably illegal walk were chiton's. I never knew what they were/looked like but their armor like top and snake like edges were so incredibly fascinating.

It was an incredible trip where we got to see the best of luxury and the best of Jamaica. We fell in love with real Jamaica and our friends are constantly in our thoughts.

Here is one of my favorite Jamaican songs I have loved for some time. It mirrors our talks with the police officers about the hard nature of their job and how the youth have no good things to occupy their time with (because of cutting of art and other things in school) and it shows with the increase in violence/bad activities.

An amazing people with an amazing heart. They are genuine through and through and loving and vulnerable kind.

One love!

Our Story

Twinkling stars
put on their too-toos
and they start dancing around in squares

saying look at me
I can fly
not knowing why

they are going in angles
and
they say honk honk

"I like that"
the dog says
walking in the door
and then the cat says
"why do you have too-toos on stars?"

"You have to have bows too!

Did you know that?

Now chop chop
or you'll get my claw for dinner
and you will be sorry
so get those bows on your head
or you will be the dogs lunch and my dessert.

you hear me?"

The end!

Bella, Jenna, & Liz

Our Poem

Little holes
open up
expand
gaping empty
in the land
stretched taught

as all is naught

and love is brought
swirling down
with the tiniest leaf
a memory
like a relief
enters in

//

a rainbow
streaming through
something new
a beautiful angel

and she says
i am so pretty
and witty
and wise
look at my beautiful eyes

i smell like flowers
and fresh late showers
and cookie powers

with which i spread my sweetness and love
a rainbow gift from above

and then I dance around the sun
and invite the stars to my house
and they wake all our household mouses

and the mouses with bows on their heads
jump around in circles
cheering "yay stars
from so very far
we are happy you are here

you are so shiny
my eyes hurt
and you make me want to run around in circles"

I like drinking in
your famous fountain
of dancers

that jump back and forth
and all around
sparkling and twinkling
and making funny sounds

like honk
and doodlebop.

Love,

Bella, Jenna, & Liz

R. W. RIP

A voice I held so dear
in laughing he felt so near
and always
in my childhood memories

there is no way to describe
this man
who can?
his words so timely
and full of wit
who brought all of the world
to listen and sit

as his voices changed
pitches rearranged

character
after character
he became

as he bounced
and he flounced
and flitted

there seemed none
more fitted
with joy
and yet this man
was not always so

but this is the man we know

whose gift
might have been his curse
but his words
were rarely rehearsed

each quick quip
gently left his tongue
to soothe your ears
and lift your heart
and give each moment a second start

there is in sadness some
at this end
of our good but distant friend

may we always pray
for those we know
and pray in hope and love they grow

Robin Williams, we will miss you so.

//

RIP my dear friend, Robin Williams, that I never met but always felt like I knew. My father looks and acts like you. Humor is a brilliant gift. You are loved. Always and forever.

25 Days ( :

Sitting down to breathe
I see the things I "need"
and then my spirit Heeds
to the Spirit
in me

to pause
and to be
to let myself... free

..

too many times
I get lost in my head
laying on the floor
things to be said
poured over
and spilled out

feeling all the voices
explicitly shout-ing

competing
judging

stretching
shaming

framing
laming
my heart

and I start to lose myself

but he comes and sits
and listens through all of it
eyes so sad
not the least bit mad
and yet
I always ask if he is
as if wishing to know
if that anger with time will grow
as I deeply fear he will
but the more I spill
the more his heart grows
and the more I know
he will never change

he will love and support me
and I can "rest under" his leadership
as I seek God in all things
He says "be still
one word is all I need"

I ask for help
begging on my knees
and Tyler lifts me up
my answered prayer
and like a cup
I am filled
and love spills
not thoughts

how much love this love has brought...

The Nightmare

Dreams swirl in my head
the kind you have in bed
but with me

well

they never leave

so begins the car ride
following friends
and then
at the roads end
appears a twirling cloud
dangerous and loud

we divert
off
to find a safe place
to hold onto
to hide our face

we move from stone poles
to basement holes
walking about a house

many distracted
my friend detracted
with a constant wandering
while I'm wondering
where will it hit?
will the ceiling collapse?

and suddenly I have
a dog
and when it runs away
I discover my two scared cats

fancy that

so we hide
the storm arrives
somehow my love dies
and disappears
and as sorrow nears
they tell me I'm dead too

All my friends are dead as well
but this they tell
me
it is swell 
that we died now and together can be
so incredibly happy

we laugh and we have fun
and enjoy a few car rides

and then
a switch
and in enters darkness
a death warrant on our already perished heads
into the basement we return
and filled with water
we yearn to the bottom
hard to breath
but in lays something we need
and one of us kicks to the top
and says we need to stop

they have come to do us off

and so they come

an asian man I've seen in the movies before
he walks in and on a notebook
he pushes the number next to mine and I start to fade away

but I notice that though I've died
I'm still here
and my lungs scream for air
as my second number appears on his screen
and he pushes on my lungs

I try to pretend like I'm dying
but then I am
I push him off and say,"
I thought I was already dead"

and up I awoke, heart filled with dread, brought into reality
from a dream filled with plot
with details
and with characters

what is the story I am living
in the night?
If only it would be filled with light

and so that is my prayer
that God would take me there
above these feelings and thoughts
and what ever darkness has been brought

to see his face
to be in his place
and to know
him.

The end.

Amen ( :

The Embers

Wheels turn
and a fire burns
poof
in comes the air
to get it from here
to there
flames touching the roof
and like paper
the embers twinkle and glow
until all you know
is the walls crumbling slowly
orange
and then black
and in comes the slack

crash

so is my time with that
with wedding
with house
with all
with trying my best not to fall

and all the while stumbling
and huffing
and choking
but some how smiling
and laughing
and joking

a light at the end
to marry my friend
and know that it was worth
every ember

and all these things I will hardly remember.

Creativity

"Creativity is God's gift to people with issues." -my father

On a long distance phone call with my dad and this is the wisdom he pops out. Never fails. He always has a corny or witty thing to say and sometimes a one liner that sticks with me forever.

I'll never forget the time my Dad told a crying college me not to worry about boys- that "if I do the things I love, I will find someone who loves to do the same thing."

Well, I have and I am so thankful. I am two months away from our wedding day and I am so incredibly grateful.

I am grateful to a God who answers prayers and who loves me in very very funny ways. I am grateful for a family and community that supports me for me and all the "issues" I might have/deal with.

I am thankful for a job that is filled with the most loving and funny people on the planet. I am thankful to know my job is making a difference is made every day (even if it doesn't always feel like it). I am thankful to begin moving into the new duplex that Tyler and I will live in when we are married. I am thankful for Tyler's awesome new job! I am thankful that my dad will be up here this weekend.

Most of all I am thankful that this year, God is really teaching me to let go. It's not an easy year by any means or an easy lesson at that. However, I have felt his blessings in small and big ways continually.

Here is to being creative and wrestling with the implications of the issues that underly that.

Above all though, here is to being thankful ( : for a God who constantly provides against all odds.

The Nod to Love

Mom told me
they tried group
therapy once
for me

I didn't handle things well
she said

pieces clicking
together
in my head

so what does this say?
where does this leave me today?

afraid to write
afraid God might be right
that life is
and can be better
and the voices I've always known are lies

cries push in from every side
but behind walls my heart hides
and gently pushes back
yes, now there is a blessed slack

a give

a break

more I can take
and yet don't have to
because my mind will gently release
the thoughts that keep my mind from peace

and as we push and prod
its like I receive a nod
from God
through words and phrases

and my depression
is less a season
more like phases

so as we pull back the layers
and see
the mess inside of me
bleeding on the ground
the source
with each part
is more easily found

simultaneously
my time with you is more sound
my love, my friend, my everything
so much peace and healing you bring
and as the voices sing and sometimes scream
you sing right back and hold me tight
and everything is right

we may not be over the river and through the woods.. yet
but for the first time I do not fret
I pray and see you are the perfect man for me
and my God has provided in all things
and especially with you

He is my heart beat tried and true
and suddenly life is a little more green than blue..

Tyler J. Claes, I love you!

Practicing Life Like Jesus

"When it is all finished you will discover it was never random"

There are so many thoughts and opinions on everything. Everyone has their own truth and for so long that has been a reality I had accepted. Accept and love others as they are and let them have their own truth.

Now though, I'm challenged. In diving into the heart of Christianity, I have been pushed on all sides. By myself, my doubts, the world, and circumstances.

"there seemed a dark and dazzling darkness"
that divided the great deep
and as it swirled around me
I couldn't help but weep

How can I love people and love what they believe if Christ is the one true Savior, the way, the only truth? How can I spread his love without offending the ones he has put in my heart to love? How can I still be practicing self care while looking outward to the needs of my loved ones, neighbors and strangers? How can I do any of this with a swarming cloud of doubt?

And then with a big
heavy anvil droppped

p l o p

the whole world explodes
implodes

flatlined
redefined
I need wine

and yet that weight is then lifted
and each part
as if in reverse
rises

slowly gravitating
back to the start
before it was broken apart

stuck together
and held tight with a goo
stronger than glue

and then.. the artist appears

he draws near
and pushes and pulls
making the object
once empty and broken- full

he steps back
and returns
giving it another turn
a tug here
an addition there
with all the love and care
as a lover pulling back her hair and tucking it
behind her blushing ear

yes, he is here
and suddenly I see
"Christ [in me]
the hope of Glory"


but what currency have I
to have such hope
with so many other ways to cope

And off my mind flies to the things I used to fill the hole, to fill the why. I shop. I retreat. I sleep. I call friends. I cry to parents. I ignore the world.

And yet in the face of the heart of Christianity, the heart of Christ, the heart of the Gospel, the Good news, the way, I see a bright light being brought into the day. It is contrary to all I have ever known and ever really been taught BUT it fits in line with my conscience, with every part of my heart. It seems impossible and hard because it is. But then scripture fills my mind with truth "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

It makes no sense when it is in your mind, but when it reaches your heart. That is the start and the happy place I am now blessed to be. It was and is a journey though, taken one step at a time.

I felt so convicted before a retreat with the women at my church that I wasn't doing enough spiritually but deep in my heart I felt a peace and patience. I felt like God had to be the one to show me freedom in that moment, to show me that life would and will be alright, that life is good. You know what? He did and he is every day.

The world is literally screaming in my ear, pulling me away with distractions, but when I come back my heart is saying the same thing,"I want more". The only thing that truly fills, like a good home comfort meal, is Jesus.

And so, I've been reading The Mark of the Lion series, Jesus Calling and my bible and it has been fuel for the soul. Here are a few of my new favorite verses:

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate/reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is in the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strength you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..."
Ephesians 3:16-18

Hope you have a great day and thank you for stopping by! 

His day

There are things even now
that compulsion would have me to do
but no
I won't be used

by my fickle emotions
and the anxiety that
wanders loose

no

I choose to sit
to wait
to be late
to embark
on a life with a different mark

trusting that God's spark
is not that intrusive thought
or that thing brought
into the forefront of my heart

no 

I will be
and I will be me
separate
different

amazed

that life no longer trickles by like a haze
but is open and free
thank you, Lord, for defining me

and as the music slips in
like pictures

colors
that flash and sway

yes,
this is the day
that the Lord has made ( :

Beauty already made

People are so beautiful

brown/tan skin
pulled
as if connecting
to her dark brown hairs
that strand by strand
are further drawn
into a neat
bun
and like grace she steps in

to get a coffee
and take a sip
a momentary dip
into heaven

a pause
from the cause
of worry

of wants
of must do's

and yet as she looks at you

her strength is hardly recognized
behind her eyes
but something about her shows

a beauty that she may not even know
I wouldn't change a thing
what a beautiful ring
that phrase sounds
in a place
where so many change, conform, fit

she is it
herself
and perfect

Oh to sit will be heaven

Exposed ceilings
tower
their genuine strength
exhibiting power

so what is this hour
to sit and watch and wait
anticipate

as thought after thought
is brought
as with a wave
punching
the sides of my mind
the powerful wave kind

the one that paddling out to
you are stretching
and pulling water with all your might

to get over the water wall
that is doubling
within your sight

fright billows up slowly
as you suddenly
feel the disparity in size
between you
and this....
oh

eyes big
you make a wish
a prayer a hope

why can't we elope

and up and over but not without
the nose pressed in
and water spilling
over the front
smack dab in your face

what a hearts race!

satin and lace

on the other side
I slide down
elated
but this time is not weighted
and slow
oh no
off again we go
as the water is piling high
seeming to touch the sky
and so I grab, pull, push
arms turning to mush
but propelled
against this beast
oh what a feast to sit will be...

Give Me Faith

In a beautiful world
those dream moments would stay
and all day
would be lazy
and full

filled to the rim with moments by a pool
dipping into the cool
mystery
that lurks below

or the jumping and sliding
cascading down
hills covered in snow

and yet
I regret to say
it is not so
though this world is beautiful
it is broken
twisted
torn
it is rubbed in
scratched and worn

for all our trying, buying and distracting
at the end we will always come up with what we're lacking
and how we need more
when really it is all a war

a war for our mind
a war for our soul
a war for control
and so as the world plunges at you with
this and with that
and your hopes are shattered
and fall with a splat

fill your world with songs and birds
flowers and sweet words
know that you are not alone
and though it feels it
this is not the end

You are loved, cherished, wanted
my dear dear friend
and you are not being deserted or left to die
left sitting and asking why

no, step by step He is lovingly taking your hand
and opening your heart to understand
He is here

ever near and always giving
He is bright and He is living
and He will surely be the light
that comes on at night

when all your fears are churning
and your heart is writhing and burning
and desire after desire creeps in
yes
He is there too
walking with you
holding you

He is.. "the first, the last,
our future and our past"
He is with you

Lord, please give us faith.. 

Birds Nest of a Heart

"I can't do this" my heart cries
I know its lies
but Anxiety with its beady button eyes
is louder
than the truck rumbling by
than the songs that swirl and fly
filling my room
smellier than the calming candle
there is no handle
no out
no off switch
this is the hitch

Where is the cure?  

Unraveling
with each tiny tug
at my string

till bit by bit
I am tearing at the seams
bursting to be free
where is that dazzling
that peace was supposed to bring

"turn from yourself
and you will be free"

words I know
and words I see
but how do I be
how do I not do
how do I accept You?

when my heart is a crinkly mess
more poked full of trash
than a birds nest
overflowing with plastic
hair
and things that should not be there

how do I see you?

 Lord, you are stronger than any emotional storm
you are stronger than my anxious norm
you held my hand
physically
when I cried out of a dark place
when your face
seemed so far
and yet so near
cheek to cheek
you held me dear
and so despite my fears
and feelings of desperation

I call upon the Lord of our Nation
the one and only
our holy Yaweh

may You be with me tonight
and as always
make everything aright

In His precious and heavenly name, amen

What is true?

It is funny how you see the world.

Everyone sees the world differently. Some who are depressed see the world in more of a gray scale. Some who are happy see the world as everyone being happy and never rocked by anything. Some don't really see the world at all. Rather, they see a distorted sense of reality. There exists within them many convincing voices and the very air seems to bend and break at will and not as would make scientific sense. Our minds and our experiences shape our view of the world.

What is your view of the world? What is your view of yourself? Where does God fit into the mix of all of these things?

I am in the middle of one of the potentially hardest times of transition I have and will possibly ever experience. You know what? I love it.

I love that every day is hard and yet good because I am learning to really see God. Life and faith are no longer easy to coincide. Nor is it easy to live in grace when religiousness/righteousness creeps in, saying," You need to do this this and this or you won't be this." So many lies and so many obligations. It is a hard time for sure of fishing out the lies and pushing them aside to accept the truth. So many times we talk about others truths. We say that to be politically correct.

What is true? God is helping us to figure life out one step at a time. I know it from the connections in my life. From how God has restored my life not with easy and perfect moments but with hard and loving solutions and moments/seasons of growth. I know it from how God provided a great and dynamic job that challenges me, a community that embraces me, a family that loves me, a church that restores me, and a man that adores, respects, and supports me. I have been very loved by God through my circumstances and by my community. I know this is not always the case. That God shows different things to different people in different ways. For some reason everything seems to go wrong and there seems no point. But I have learned that when you seek God with all of your heart you will find Him. God does not answer all of your questions at once and some not at all but He is there with you, guiding you.

On top of all that- He dismisses your fears. He challenges you to face your fears but not in the sense of walking into a room full of spiders or entering back into an abusive relationship- no, He lovingly provides similar but smaller scale situations that slowly chip away at fears grip on your heart. He has done this in time with me and I am so thankful.

God speaks to us in so many ways. He uses books with characters that are like us to help us realize we aren't alone and that we can do it. He uses movies with key lines or quotes that stick out to us in that exact moment to say- "hey, listen up, you need this". He guides you forward in community to be challenged not to be different but to be more you, to look at your strengths at your weaknesses and to God working in you.

Your life is brilliantly orchestrated and you are in for a wild and wonderful ride.

Happy Wednesday!

Condensation = Tea Sensation

"A great many people are trying to make peace, but that has already been done. God has NOT left it for us to do; all we have to do is enter into int."

D. L. Moody

//

a fog
slips in and Anxiety grins
as he drips slowly down

Depression, she frowns
"not again"
& so begins the swim
of an unrested impass
seeming to push
cloud after cloud
till at last
my hand holds fast... to water

the cloud condenses
Anxiety tenses
"No! There cannot be a release!"

and then as the rain falls
and the sky clears
there is peace

and I see not fog
or smog
or evil things
but the beauty
that good friends and tea can bring

as we speak of things of the Lord
and study his word
yes, a glittering gleam

is all my eyes see
what a beautiful, blessed sheen.

Blessed is the Lord. amen.

Anxiety & Depression

Meet anxiety.

He has blue hair
that look like springs
little tattered wings
scratch that
no wings
just a head
a thought
eyes
black
empty and dead
scratch that
buttons

did I mention he was drawn with a crayon?

Now, my other companion,
depression

he is a different sort
because he isn't a he
meet "her"
she is moody
she likes to sleep
she isn't very motivated
harder to draw
because she lacks the fun
fantastical features of anxiety
but she is her own bird
a long line
laying down
wings covering her eyes
each feather clipped
to keep her from flying
above her is a dark
swirling cloud

anxiety laughs as I write this
as he throws tornadoes her way

yes, meet my new friends,
anxiety and depression

I'm getting to know them too
keep updated to see what they do!

Light

The things that make us feelthe depth
of our soul
being opened
and down the damp, dark bricks
drops
the drips
of time

empty
slow
full
null

breathe
release
see
a season inside of me
breaking apart the damp, dark bricks
till light
beaming

screaming
from the crevaces inside of me
pushing and pulling
ruling
over the darkness
the doubt
the pain
and healing
like a beautiful rain
washes away
brick by brick
till slain
they lay
and I thankfully pray
thankfulness on thankfullness
this joy inside of me
thank you, Lord, for setting me free

if only others could see ( :
it is not so planned
so perfect
it is not rhythm or arithmetic
but it is
a thing of beauty
a thing of purpose
a plan
carried out within a span
of time
uncharacteristic of our own wants or fears
and yet the Lord daily draws us near

I know this not from a prescribed list of things I do
but because of things in my life
so beautiful and so new
and so perfect
only things God can do
and so thankfully I write on
sharing the dawn
to my night
my hearts great delight
of the beauty inside of me!