Reminders

Every song screams your name
every day seems the same
in the things I think
and seem
to dream

to wonder
and blunder
into those stumbling thoughts
caught
in the turning tide
no more to run and hide

but stand and fight
till I set my sights
to see
the road in front of me

diverged
far from you
that's what I've got to do

to put one step forward
and not just slowly amble
off into the sunset
but one foot to the ready
on your mark, get set...
go

A different girl
you'll always know
then who I am now
or am going to be
and someone else
will truly see

me for who I am
and at the core have always been
will open me up
and will always defend
protect and keep
my place with him and with God

Night of the Roxboro nod
we will laugh until we cry
and I will wonder why
I ever settled for less
than this thing that God has blessed

but till that day I see
the friends God has placed in front of me
whose voices alone
makes me feel so at home

yes, this is the life!

Thank you, God! Deuteronomy 2:7

PULL ME THROUGH

Something in me just wants to write and write
until everything is right
until I am able to believe
all that you have placed inside of me

because now I cannot fully see
but just like Joshua
I will go and do
and see things through
without question or a moments glance
I will give each of these things a chance

in every moment be
so that you might use all of me
that my purpose be fulfilled
just as you have all along willed
and planned

I sit safely in your hand
though the world around me tumbles
and at times it seems you mumble
I know I haven't left that place

your hands cup my face
and say
"you will make it through this day"

so whether alive I wake
and ready to face what might come
or its that sad and weary some
there you will be
ready to help me

knowing that this is just a time and a season
with a perfect and specific reason
and in times when I forget
you teach me something new yet

I still don't know fully
all you are churning
or what is in my heart that is burning
but bring on the pain
if it will one day bring the refreshing rain
of you because that is enough to pull me through.

*from the archives of my email, only shared it w/ my beautiful sister before

Still Learning That God is Good

I would be remiss if I did not talk about the things that God has done in this past week. 

First, lets start off with what went wrong- had some bad news about something that happened to one of my dearest and most beautiful friends, heard that a friend from high school that I've known for most of my life had been hit by a car and killed, was messing up continually at work unintentionally and couldn't seem to get a break and/or focus, my Aunt Mary died, and on top of that have been wrestling pretty intensely with bouts of depression and fits of insecurity/self deprecation.

Sounds pretty bad right? I literally reached a point the other day of absolute saturation as if anything bad could happen and it couldn't affect me any worse than the other things combined. I wasn't acting myself and literally just couldn't be.

Thankfully, that's where it all changed. My boss talked to me about what was going on and so began the turning point. I saw how I could choose to change and not let my situations change me.

(All of this time had been praying for God to intercede and he did, at the last minute, but perfectly).

That same day, I talked to my dear friend, Leah Godfrey. She just spoke so much life into me about how God loves me and even when I'm dealing with things and have trouble believing- God isn't disappointed and she was there to believe for me. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I realized then that I had been struggling with the want to perform and the need to be perfect in my Christian faith which denies the grace that has been given to me by Him.

I walk into the coffee shop after our conversation, grab a seat and begin to work on a few things for work. An hour in, a girl I'd noticed as being really friendly/having great style comes and sits next to me. Through a turn of events, we started to talk and became friends over the next 2 hours. She was such an encouragement and showed concretely how God was providing a way for me to do what I love best- meet strangers, share life, and to make a meaningful connection.

From there, everything just began to fall into place. I continued to pray and fight against my selfish desires to do whatever I wanted given this new joy. However, the joy came from God and not myself, something I was reminded of and forced to face. My work which I have been messing up in so royally is now being filled with purpose, understanding and confidence. Something that has long been missed. And there is only one to thank- God!

I hope that wherever you are- in a desert or in the beautiful cool waters of life, that you see your life for what it is outside of your circumstances and dive a little deeper with God!

Check out these wonderful verses Deuteronomy 1:29-31 & Deuteronomy 2:7.

Every Day

Tears fade
as I step into the shade
and all becomes a slate hue
till slowly

all becomes new
the light green poking
through the grass and towards the sun

the pollen dust that has begun
to cover and destroy
any chance of making it
without our allergies, oh boy

but here as I sit
in the shade of what will be
and has been

it isn't so hard to mend
but easier yet to be
with God inside of me
resting in my heart

never to part
forsake or leave
life once tried to cleave
and does every moment since

but God has held me tight
even when things don't make sense
and the world seems a game of jenga
just tumbling all around

but here there is no tumbling
no loud and boisterous sound

only the pitter patter
of the rain washing away
the pain of pollen and sorrow
I thought always to stay.

Thankful to God for relieving me and helping others believe for me in times when it seemed too much But He is good and I'm learning that more and more every day. I pray that you are too!

Thank you, Leah Godfrey!

Beauty
pitters and patters down
slowly removing my frown
with each and every sound

of stories, and plans
around me
the sky fills with lights
of bright
and beautiful rays
only one thing to say
that God is good
and all is as it should
 be even when
our eyes are closed

and right in front of our nose
He sits
waiting for us to see
and showing the way
a right and a left
we no longer feel so deft
but rather light and free

as He intended for us to be.

Finding God in the fight.

Raw

Looking out the window
I see
Jersey boys
looking back at me

No.
This will not do

Who
is it that now pursues

few

but rather
more guys scatter
the precious stones that matter
these girls with strength
who love at length

they throw away
or worse, destroy
why, why are you this boy?
what do you do, to do this for you?

hate burrows
deep within my chest
needing to be dealt with
a wealth
of worries
to be found
but nothing sound
a hurt mound

of stories
of friends
family
my own

not alone
in this hurt
and this pain
when will the rain

STOP

a need to be on top
to be away
Lord, to say
it is done
and it is

if only this one wish
Lord, that guys would truly
go after the girl
and for who she is
and not what she will do
or what they can "get"
because it wasn't given yet
and yet they take
what a mistake

that they do not pay
for
but she is left sitting
weeping on the floor

Lord, I cannot deal
I cannot bear
the truth
you bare

please help me through
this pain I never knew
till it wasn't me
but you
my dear friend
time and time again
seeming no way to win

but these boys continually pin
and point at a person
that you aren't and never will be
if only they could see
the person in front of me
when I have a coffee with you
or we roll down a hill or two
with a little girl
but they don't know
and never will
the beautiful girl that rolls down hills
to give friendship to someone alone
no they'll never know

and they don't deserve
that
mmm they are scat
absolute scat
and if only they sat
in front of me
and i could tell
no i could yell
in their face
and give them the hell
they deserve

but what nerve
have i to go against
the one to whom anger belongs
and to whom i try desperately to lift up a song
of praise
of understanding
and God forces his way through
deep into my heart
the start of breaking free
from this sorrow that I see

A song that gives me hope and peace when I'm in the middle of a place:

Moving Forward/The Last Straw

We always say/sing,"God break my heart for what breaks yours."

I never understood that till today, when the last arrow hit and sank deep within my heart till I was left sobbing sporadically unable to handle the pain. It just is not right. I am so thankful that God showed me what to me seems like the most horrible thing in the world, and something that I desperately want to change. I don't know how. I don't know when. I only know I choose to believe that God has equipped me to do this just as he has equipped everyone to make a unique impact on the world.

Christine Caine has been a huge influence, as has Joyce Meyer, Jen Griffin, Kelly Hubatka, and so many more. One day I pray that this is carried out and I'm beginning now- in earnest prayer, planning and reflection.

Praying for that I move forward not in an anger driven passion but in hope for the future and a want to spread His love.

Till then, going to sleep to this beautiful and hopeful song b/c no matter what there is still hope in life:

Flying for Jesus

When the world would wear
and tear
your very grasp
on this feathered thing
this hope
which lifts
and flys
to overcome the whys
and so we sit
and look at the sky
in wonder

the world
continuing to plunder
at the meat of our souls
leaving us hardly whole
till His hand scoops in
to pick us up
gently cupped
to lift above
the reaches below
and show us
the out

that the feathers we had clung to
are tightly woven
into the seams of our shoulders
ready to lift
against any boulder
with two strong wings
our freedom sing
as we flap away

no more to say
why, or how, or what
but only yes
and to believe
that in you, there is no one else to please
and in being who we are
that is how we will go far
and not for us but for you
and that is what
soaring high

I want to do. 

"but those who hope in the lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
      Isaiah 40:31

Faces

I see faces on the street
faces in the cars
face in windows, flowers, and scars
I see faces in the floor
faces in the tree
faces in the cardboard
and all around me!

all around are faces
what else can there be?
when you look around,
what do you see?

Write a comment, I would love to hear ( :

Luke 3:22

A Tale Told Well

Stories
fill to the brim
as the toxic
green tea latte swims
and simmers

his eyes glimmer
as he tells
of the movie
he will soon sell

of a family who loves
and propels him forward
of this one propelling word
"The Doppler Effect"

one that I will soon see
and more so be

Fear grapples our heart in our forward motion
as if in the rippling and building
of the ocean

before a storm
the greatness brewing
to challenge the norm
and we in fear hesitate
to step into the waves
to grab our board and go
the thrill never to know
or the barrel to catch and ride
no more do I want to hide
but always be moving in

in to the places no one else will go
thankful for the people God has helped me to know
and the community that he has helped to grow

and all b/c of contacts and Starbucks ( :

Check out my new friends documentary that he is about to go and shoot from Alabama to Harlem:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1798166652/brooklyn-to-harlem?ref=live

The Gift of Kindness

Have you ever missed your family? Or if you have mostly friends that are girls or couples, missed talking to a guy? Well, I work at a place that is primarily all women and children which makes both of those things even worse.

Today, I was feeling overwhelmed by a mix of those things and was praying about it as I walked into the Lowe's store. Walking in, smelling the sawdust, and seeing all of the tools was almost reassuring enough just by being in a "man's" place.

I walked back to the wood section to get what I came for, but found 5 million different types of plywood in different sizes. Rather than kill my brain in trying to make my way around what all of it meant, I went to ask one of the guys that worked there.

Michael was the perfect man for the job. I asked my questions and immediately, he knew what to do. He took me over to the right one and with animation began to tell me why it was better than what I had looked at. He turned over the board to show me the "c" side where it was a lesser grade and had rugged knots as compared to the "b" side which was smooth and whole. With every word you could just see that wood was something that he knew and loved.  It was a kind of love I haven't known except for words and nature. After a few moments of talking over and deciding he then carted me over to Carmine. On the way over I asked a few questions about his life but then he left to do more work.

Now, Carmine is the guy in charge of cutting all of the wood. Carmine had those strong arms that were tanned with age and sun. He reminded me so much of the men that I had loved and looked up to growing up in my church. The ones that would sit to the side of the fellowship hall talking nonsense or not talking at all but they always looked cool because they had their trucker hats tipped to barely sit on their balding heads.

Well, Carmine was just as sweet. A guy was having wood cut for a box he was building his daughter. Not something you would expect from his epicenter shirt and stylish hat and jeans, but that made his project even better. His cuts took a while and Michael came back to check on me.

He asked how I was doing and I replied nicely. He apologized for the wait but I told him it was no big deal and made a joke. He walked away.

A few of the cuts were altered and changed so it took longer than both Carmine and the man expected. You could see it in their faces. When they finished, we said our goodbyes and Carmine smiled for the first time of the whole time I had been standing there.

He smiled as he thanked me for waiting, thought, and then gave me that same smile as he told me that they didn't normally do so many cuts but the store was slow and it was for the man's daughter. His kindness shone through.

He cut my wood small enough so it would fit in my car. I asked if he liked to work with wood and there was that smile again! He pulled out his flip phone with his beautiful granddaughters as the background on his screen. Carmine scrolled through his pictures to show me a beautiful kitchen island he had made and then an extensive entertainment center that encompassed the wall but was ridden with little touches, angles, and proofs of his handiwork. I genuinely complimented him on his projects.

As we walked away from the cutting station, we met up with Michael. Both out of the blue start talking about me. About how I had been the most patient and kind person they had ever met. But I hadn't done anything. If anything, they had greatly added to my day without knowing it.

How great is our God to show us how even in a small moment of waiting, beauty can be born for all parties involved.

"What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived-
the things God has prepared for those who love him."
    1 Corinthians 2:9

(something that I am continually grappling with to know- his love is too big for our tiny minds!)

A Man's Promise

You know those days where you have a lot to do
and all of it weighs on your heart
and you try to begin
and for some reason can't start
and you are pushed and you're pulled
and can't seem to get full
and no one is around
and you are just crying to hear the sound
of a familiar voice and for a hug
and your heart tugs
at you to move
but all of you is a heap
that really wants to sleep
and so sleep you almost do
till something pulls you through...

This video was that thing to pull me through:

Thank you, Jesus, for loving men who see beyond the lies and elevate the empty and low standards girls (myself included) set!

Trusting

We were meant to share
the things that we carry
and as I sit
and talk to some of the most wonderful folks
afterwards to you 
I wish was the one I had spoken to

to tell about
more than a shout
in my heart
to share

because, Lord, I still care
but, God, it is in your time
and not mine
so I will confine my thoughts
to this rhyme
to know that for this time alone
my hope in You
has shone

beauty all around and forward
just need to bury deep with in Your word
written, spoken, sung
draw a picture of a branch as a lung
in whatever way express
what the world would try to compress

because all I have is Yours
to use and to have
but without others, Lord,
I feel as if a missing half

thank You for providing a person
to speak to
You knew
that my heart desired
on my behalf You had already conspired
to make and be
a day perfectly relaxing, new and free

my mind renewed
still overwhelmed

but

seeing more and more
that You are at the helm

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail."
    Lamentations 3:22

This Morning

A day filled with mixed signals
of what is wrong
and what is right
and what is right within my sight
and as I don these torturous discs
my eye, each time, my finger miss
till watering and blood red
I still press forward
and Chris offers up an encouraging word
till finally in
they go!
and I lift my voice and arms
because I know...

that I can wear contacts ( :

Hope you enjoy this beautiful day today!

and if you know the wonderful Jen Griffin, be sure to give her a birthday call!