Stoop Thoughts

I sat down on my front porch steps and as I gazed at the herculean clouds billowing past I thought, "Why don't we disconnect more like this?"

As I watched these clouds and a few black specks that my non-corrected eyes made out to be birds that swept in and around the wisps of wind pushing these large clouds forward you would think this moment- full of life and hopeful meaning would capture my attention, but you would be wrong (sorry!). My gaze started to shift from this beautiful, peaceful, and divinely purposeful moment to my phone. This small simple electronic device to which so much of my life is constantly tethered.

I thought back to an article I read one time at a trip to Barnes & Noble with Tyler about boredom and how it rejuvenates and builds the pathways of our mind. And yet... our society has taught us to not be bored- to fill our every moment with some sort of entertainment or expression. In attempt to stay away from these two categories which stave off boredom, I bound them together in a folder titled "free time" thinking this would make me realize the choice I was making to surf facebook over doing something to be or to invest. So here I was torn between the eternal and the temporary.

What brought me to this moment on my stoop, sitting on the edge of nature but drawn to my phone? Well, I hate to be alone. My house felt stuffy. I hadn't been outside all day save for my walk to the car and to and from work. I have too much to do and had no energy with which to do it. It also seemed a great place to sit and eat some dinner. But really, how often I am drawn to this place of choice between a temporary filling and a long term filling. Often, I fall for the temporary and forget the things that make life so full. So what it is it? What are the things that make you so full and how can you live your life in a way to choose the divine/good more than the temporary connection?

Prayer is the only way I've found so far and I've just begun. Fill yourself with goodness, one choice at a time.

Mystery

End of an era
the beginning of the new
who knew my mind would shrink
before it grew
and as you pull and pull and
pullllllll

I feel more empty than full

I question
I stumble
I fall
every moment seems to tall
and yet you pull me up
and encourage
against the daily carnage
that throws daggers at my face
and digs at my heart

yes, Lord, this is a beautiful start

I apologize for when I trip
and for when I decide to wonder
but thank you for the time to ponder
and to be
and for bringing me back
to the life that is free
showing me the "way"
and how it changes every day
but really stays the same

that's what it means to live in Your name

such a mystery.
[Thank God, it's almost Friday!]

Tomorrow

Echo
Echo
Echo
Thump

my world that was so wide
is now a hump
a place I merely sit upon
and wait
for life to come
on a silver plate
am I hiding?
no
isolating?
maybe

this is a season
I'm sure
but, Lord, what is the cure?

Why do I find it so hard to talk
and to get up and go and walk
is it that deep seed inside
the one I try
to hide
and act like isn't a part
of me
that God has slowly freed me from
but some
holds on still

but God's will is good
and merciful

there is hope in every turn
the important part is that we learn
and don't complain
despite the disreputable pain
because in each groan
there is within us a moan
that lifts up a care
so that God brings us out of there
and to something truly unqiue
that only time can speak
to our broken hearts

so start your day
in every way

with thankfulness.

The Inbetween

The numbers, the colors, the lights
what is wrong, what is right?
and so my head bounces
from this and to that

no place to land
to lay still or flat
but like a pent up ball
of questions
I bounce

on

failing at the inbetween
caught up in the angst
of excited to be there
so much wanting to be

and yet here
months away

and so I pray
for help
but as full as my mind is
it is empty still
Lord, what is your will
in this
how do I grasp your godly bliss
spend time in your grasp
until this time passes?

Oh, what can I do?
I am struggling
to gather the pieces
here without you!

My heart is a mess
trying to untangle this tress
of this beautiful thing
that only your goodness could bring
to my life
and so I pray
despite the details
and any mess
that I realize the beauty and why I'm truly blessed

to be with my best friend.

//

Trying to figure out some things in my heart and the reason for my insomnia of late. Excitement is so good except when it keeps you from necessary sleep ( : Addio amico mio!

Real Talk

So my sweet sister one night decided to have a real and deep conversation with someone she cared about while I was in the car and she kept asking if they could have a "real talk". 

I think so many times we don't have this- we act like we have it all together and do everything that society deems appropriate for our age and just keep trodding on. But let's be real, that's not helpful nor does it help our friends and loved ones feel normal. So real talk on our 20's- here goes nothing!

There is a verse that has struck me over this past year -So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. If you are out of college and in the real world or maybe in the depths of school, this verse rings true. There is never enough time, never enough money and nothing is ever perfect. So how do we do it? How do we go about life and really live it to the fullest as God intended? Honestly, I'm not sure but I'm willing to figure it out through a few steps. I've started on a few below that I'm trying to consistently practice to fully take in each fibre of God-given life around me.

1. If you're like me you try to do things and keep up like you're rich- i.e. eat out, go to concerts, go out all of the time, but chances are if like me you are also poor- you might have a house and food and are able to pay your bills but are really one emergency away from having no money SO this step is to live within your means. Establish a budget and really stick to it. This will make you more creative and more fun because when you do have the money to go out it will be AWESOME.

2. Be intentional.  People in the old days just made it work and we can too. Go outside to parks, meet friends at your house or theirs and use what you have to make a good night- leftovers, cheap wine, tea, good stories, childhood movies, etc. Establish that community that really matters and really makes you rich.

3. Take care of something. Grow a garden, or just one plant, or work really hard to maintain a blog. Nothing in life is going to get easier so the sooner we learn to take responsibility and find joy in it the better and what better way than a nice air giving plant (:

4. Exercise. It is the best way to boost your health, your mood, and your life overall and better yet it is a free activity to do with friends. 

5. Live with integrity. Nothing will ever be lost in the long term from your doing the right thing now. You have a small part of the world that has been given to you to harvest and to change for better or for worse- which will you choose on the daily and how will you change the trajectory of your life to meet this new path you are choosing to walk on?

6. Don't live in a Facebook bubble of comparison and isolation- call your friends and family. Those tv shows you love- there are approximately 10 characters and yet they live a "good life". The same goes for books. That's because its not about how many friends you have but the quality friends you have. So spend less time online and more time experiencing things with these 10 people. Make those movie/tv show moments real and stop thinking about this persons engagement or that person's new baby. You are amazing and your life is as full and as great as you want it to be. So call your friends and go live your life!

6. Pray. Whenever things get rough, because let's face it the farther we are from college and the safety blanket of our family back home the more overwhelming life seems. But it is not impossible and we are not alone and God honestly will give you what you need. If what you are praying for doesn't/isn't happening it is either not the right timing or God is doing something else right then. Even a prayer as simple as "God I literally can't do this project anymore can you please help me find a way to figure out this problem", can lead to a beautiful end. Don't underestimate how much God loves you or how He wants to provide for you. 

7. Listen to your gut but don't follow your desires. Sometimes we just know things and those things lead us to the perfect place at the perfect time- follow that. Other times we are overcome with how much we want to devour a massive 3 layer cake or be with a person that isn't good for us, etc. this leads to some sort of flooding/destruction of your life. Try to do this and give yourself grace when you don't and you let that destruction in. Nothing is beyond repair and your life can become better. Sometimes you just have to take it a moment at a time. Live.

8. Love fully. You are going to get hurt, it's inevitable. Be careful who you are close to and who you let love you but try your best to love others always and everywhere. There is no better or fuller or more perfect way to live. (Also, if you haven't, take time to love yourself- that is important too because having a strong foundation of knowing who you are and fully accepting it will help you help others on that same journey to self acceptance and the reception of love)

9. Lastly, fix your minds on good thoughts. When you started to go down the thought of what if, or well this happened, and really start to get tired and sad- STOP. Do not go down that road. Change your thoughts and literally think of 10 thoughtful things. Write them down. Do something nice for someone else. Do not let life or this moment get you down because it is about to get better. Believe it and accept it- it is a blessing from God in each moment to be received if we only fix our minds on beautiful things. 

Thank you for listening to my thoughts on this, I would love to hear your thoughts too! Feel free to comment or call. This is not an easy life but we are all in it together and that's why it's beautiful. The verses below are great for being in our 20's and freaking out about the things we don't and can't yet have. But then reading this you realize, maybe we don't need to!

Ciao!

//

Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!

No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

[Matthew 6:19-34]