One7

As I sat surrounded by women of all ages- volunteers, friends, children, children forced to leave neverland before they even set foot, I was blown away by their testimonies. More amazing than that though was their absolute love for new people and new friends and their want for you to be a part of their life. Here we were walking into their home with the intent of blessing them. Somehow, I feel like it never works so much that way- I have never been so blessed by anyone in my life as this wonderful group of people.

On a day when I had been contemplating money issues I was brought face to face with a little girl who was borrowing her sister's shoes- 2 sizes smaller and her toes stuck out a few worn holes. Here, money was not the issue, nothing really was an issue, it was all about love and time spent. It probably dates back to a mission trip in Mexico in the early 2000's that I felt this same love and peace. Being at One7 made me realize how essential community is. This is something I have realized in bits and pieces but true intentional community is so beautiful. There was nothing lacking here and their faith? Oh man, their faith would floor a life long Christian. I accidentally volunteered to lead one of the girls small groups in wanting to help and was so intimidated not because I was unprepared but because their hearts were so strong and full of faith for the Lord that I honestly was at a loss in the face of these young women. These ladies were beautiful. Two of the girls had a very apparent love for the Lord and it brought us near to tears. Its amazing how when you see those with less who are so innately blessed, you realize how much more life is than our previous and possibly privileged concepts lead us to perceive/believe.

I don't know where to go from here, or how my life can change, all I know is it needs to.

If you ever get the chance and want to be a part of something amazing going on in Charlotte, you should definitely check out One7 Ministries! It will change your life and you will help to be a positive mentor and new friend to a great group of students and volunteers.

Hope your Maundy Thursday has been filled with remembrance and an opportunity to reflect. I know its an awkward place to go (one I often avoid) but if you actually visualize what happens (as cheesy as it might sound) it makes it more real. Honestly, today when we are "diluted by the world daily" there is nothing more beautiful than a tangible moment with the truth- something we so dearly hold onto but so rarely experience. So lets go there together and challenge the comfortable place we so often sit in for a place that is more awkward possibly but for sure more right. There is no better place to be and in the long run from this change of embracing the awkward I think we will find that we will have become better men and women than we had ever hoped to be.

What a beautiful moment to acknowledge that Jesus died for our sins not as a bandaid or as a coverup but out of love for God's people to truly save them? Hosanna means "God save us" and save us he did. Lets let that love and that truth of our salvation truly sink into our hearts and not just because we are Christians and it is something to do but at the end of the day nothing clears away depression or fear or need like Jesus and there is something truly uniquely beautiful about Christianity and that's a fact. It is hard to acknowledge the truth of it in a society so prone on debate and comfort rather than trust and acceptance but if God has taught me anything it is to trust him and despite all of me he will always provide. I'm praying he provides in your heart in whatever way you need this Easter but most strongly in a way that unifies your life with the path that he has already set out for you! You are wonderful and more loved than you know. Don't ever stop believing that you have a purpose or that you are loved- these are two innate truths that will not and cannot change.

So whoever you are reading this, know that you are loved and that in him you can truly do anything! 

HAPPY EASTER ( :

My heart

My heart beats
at this phenomenal feat

of each foot
moving forward
as if walking across
a nail laden board

and I barefoot progress
for Him to be more
I must be less

but, Lord, this process
involves
so much of my mess

how does that show You?

-except for the miraculous things you do
and how you've changed
me
Lord, how you've set me free

but how this hurts to show
please bless me with the peace only you know.

Amen

Love//

We dance
to Dean
a slow step
with smooth turns
and a little swing
what sweet joy this brings

Hate//

A moment of simplicity
where once to have a sleep over
was simply to sleep
but in creeps
this fear
of having you near
of knowing
that grown up rules
come from a different school
from a different thought
I never knew what that night
taught
till it was
and now I know
sleep overs are a no go

Love//

As I grasp ridiculously to this d--- bamboo
and you listen and pry
as I slowly let the tears
drop
and dry
you pull me in tight
and the Lord lets my heart be light

Hate//

After that moment of pain
I awoke to a stirring peace
like the cold cool rain
donned my shoes
and ran
like only a cool hearted person can
and I ran till
I
Found
peace
on a piece of pier
as the water would draw near
more lost were my thoughts
in the ebb and flow
and all that I had known
was lost
and so I went to my dear friend
to find what to do
and when we entered the store
I didn't know what for
the ladies looked at me like they did
if only they knew the pain I hid
but it was done
and there was hope
now only forward to cope

Love//

You see me smile
you see me cry
and you ask me why
and fill my heart
there is no end to this beautiful start

and as I feel like I can't push through
you help me to
Thank you ( :


Hate//

Never before seen
this change
what could it mean
now I know it is not cool
but then
then it became a tool
a way to take away the weight
of these helpings on my plate

Love//

God held my hand
and held me tight
and helped me know it would be
alright

Hate//

The next week almost crashed
into an attractive man
as only fate
can have it
he then was on the ship back to the island
we talked
numbers exchanged
if only a number had been changed
number two humiliation

Love//

As I sit still
He gives me my fill
through musical notes that
twirl in the air
and help you to care
and to move
and to dance
and to do
yes You
my creator
my lover
who helps me now
oh my beautiful maker

Hate//

Then came the one
who asked me for water
midst
a group of girls, a group of lovers
and I a friend, an other
so aptly picked
and he
the things he said
well sometimes they just don't leave my head
and when I tried to encourage
my heart he did discourage
and so onward led

Love//

You are my comforter
my strength
when life is long
you give me length

Hate//

There was one by the pier
with eyes so blue
I can still see it clear
but it was not out of compassion
but passion
that we came here
and again to the store I went
time spent
time wasted
oh the haste which you moved
if only it had behooved you to wait
to see
the soul inside of me

Love//

I pause
I wait
moving still
but inwardly
not
You, oh Lord, are all I've got

Hate//

Then came the last
and the one which had
the chance to heal
but oh what a meal
you made of my heart
torn from the very start
my spirit said clearly "not him"
but I did not see who it was
and so in I went for a swim

I gave and he took
till he took a second glance
and gave our relationship a chance
it was a push and a pull
pressed by passion
but in what fashion
because it was not love

and yet with time
there was a love that crept in
and he held me close
but it still wasn't right
and the tighter we held
the more God said
this is not the life to be led
both either hot or cold
never on the same page
lets rearrange
this
and so we did
life planned
hand in hand
to be no more
and so our hearts were spilled out on the floor
and with it
the insecurities built
up in the pain
of conversations past
oh but they held fast

others he had wanted more
hopes he had
for me
to be more
of things I could not more innately be
wanting to change
the way I see and do
what more could I do for you?

//

more lies inside and continues to hide
but these letters of love and hate are neither early or late
but in frustration laid
and love paid
I am never farther away than a prayer. 

So therein lies my heart
I am thankful for a beautiful start
every day
and I hope to honestly always say
the things of my heart and my head
honestly led to share
for those He so greatly cares
so that He might also lift you up to see
the honest conversations that could be
and in that
you can be absolutely free
by the blessings of His hope
and the giving of His Son
so fret not dear for the fight is...

won.

//

Never, never, never give up. - Winston Churchill

Good Talk

Real life
digs deep into your soul
ripping open
a large gaping hole


and as wine trickles through
it helps you in part
but not the whole
because only serious surgery
can heal up that hole

and so as you try to patch it up
with bandaids
of empty words and phrases
go through different life style phases
you'll finally come to this

really life contains no bliss
or beauty
if you keep your eyes on the pain
each day will be filled with rain
and you will slowly drift away
but if you lift your eyes to the heaven
and hold tightly to hope
then against anything you can cope

but till then
I gladly tip back
one tiny glass of vino ( :

Nothing is Wasted

I don't know a lot of things

but I know the light
I feel when you are around me
I know that the Lord gives such light
the kind to be shared
and not to be strapped up and stored away
no this is something to be displayed
and as I search the scriptures
and sing His songs
my heart lifts
and sings along
my voice, scratchy, lays silent and still
but is this Your will
to get me to be
so it will be You and me?

Your words they hurt
in a way that heals
as You tell me that You
have created
and known me
before my first breath
first step
first awkward moment or thought
before any bad moment
brought tears to my eyes
and pain in my heart
You knew

and the beautiful thing?
You still do.

Lord, take this heart of mine
wrap it up
and heal it fast
that we may move past
this moment closer to
the things You have called us to do

that is my prayer
You who have protected Your people
always
and who have set out the world
not in stone
but in a beautifully carved wave
that crashes and builds
and weilds
time within its pulsing current
and as the past
creeps in to grasp the present
time is bent
moments relived are not real

and so God heals
He brings our heart to His hands
and He pushes and pulls
till we can be no more full
of awkward pulsing pain
and with a quick release

peace

rushes in...

//

Psalm 139

Believing

Darkness swallows
and as I dig down to the deep
to find the source
so that I can sleep
I find instead a dam
and instead of freed
I am damned
to a moment
of absolute sorrow

no more this world can borrow
as it beats me in the face
my heart begins to race
where is the joy that I so recently held dear
Lord, draw me near
hold my heart
show me the start 

and as I wait for Him to speak
and to relieve 
I look around
I see smiling faces looking back at me
and the ways
that He has shown
the things He has always known
and now I just have to trust

it is not a choice
it is a practice
and a hope
and the only way I can daily cope
because, Lord, my enemies are fighting dirty
but this is no dark thirty
and I will not give in
no they will not win
because yours is the victory.

*inspired by a night this weekend

//

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!"
   Psalm 139:17

Colorful ( :

Black and grey
were the only way I knew how to dress
but then I went to school
and learned that colors could be cool
but they were so hard to rightly arrange
that I came off looking a little strange

with time I found one of the best
teal was so much better than the rest
and slowly entered in neutrals
of white and beige
a wider range

then a guy I knew
added pink to that too
but I didn't quite like it so I changed it to coral
met Ashely and added a little floral
with Diane I saw a brighter flare
and so yeah, with patterns, I went there

but with you I feel so colorful and alive
like any color could thrive
filled with opportunity
to show and express and be
knowing you, in so many ways, sets me free

to be more colorful.

Let's Dispel the Darkness

I woke up this morning and just knew I could not go to work. I prayed and prayed and prayed, Lord, let me know what you want me to do- I feel sick and exhausted but let me know what to do. As I found my boss' number in my contacts she immediately picked up and from my scratchy almost nonexistant voice I knew I had made the right choice- to stay home.

Now as I start my morning stirring around my apartment, eating, drinking water and cleaning, I paused to listen to one of my favorite speakers and unofficial mentors- Christine Caine. After watching a few videos on her blog I was somehow connected to this one.

It stirred me and challenged me in a way God always uses her voice to do. As I sat and listented to her talk about the inhumanity of sex trafficking and the impact that we can have by saying that this will not happen under our watch, I was taken aback. Previously having been involved in the abolition field by supporting a dear friend, I had been a part of the group working to stop this horrendous reality. Now what? I found myself asking. I want to make a difference in all I do and to really leave some goodness in the world through my life. The answer, one step at a time.

You see, God, in my life at least, has often used tiny steps of obedience to reveal a bigger picture. Those who are trusted with little will be trusted with much. And part of that can be done by looking at the injustice around and in us- choosing to believe his truths, and really to put ourselves in an uncomfortable place. It often is hardest to do what is right but be careful. The devil knows this and uses many tactics to attack us including asking us to give up things that the Lord has not required of us. It is always a good practice to vet out these questionable requests with a time of prayer and reflection upon the truths you know of the Lord. Often, the devils schemes are shown in this moment.

Now, the devil is an interesting character. Growing up I did not really believe him to be true. I believed in heaven and hell but it wasn't till I was in my dear friend's youth group that I began to see the negative impact of this force that is the devil. His reach extended beyond Hell to the constructs of reality- into the every day moments of our world. I was so on fire for the Lord and wanted to do everything right that I began to learn the difference between what is evil and what is truly good. But learning the truth and living it are two completely different things. It has not been till nearly 7 years later that I an learning the actuality and practically of what it means to follow Jesus- love, grace, patience, humility and meekness.

In all of these things, because we often do not understand love, grace is my favorite. Grace is showing love to those who do not deserve it or which is harder for our pride- forgiveness. So often we will say, I love you but I can't forgive you right now. Working with kids I know that this statement is so intensely false. A child can hit another kid and it angers you so much because they just hurt someone that you love BUT if you speak into that child that they are a horrible, mean, and a manipulative kid- guess what they will become? Those things you spoke. The same goes if you are to speak life into someone whose life has been anything but what would seem to be "the good path". Believing that God has good plans for everyone is crucial. We are open to a vulnerability that will often almost crush us, but through that God teaches us strength and resilience. I pray I never lose that vulnerability for the sake of my own protection. I know with time it will be less natural to open up as I enter into a family and my new role is to to build up a culture and a structure stemmed by my husband and I and I will want to protect my children from so much. But I pray that though I do protect their purity, that I lovingly introduce them to the world and the ways that we can and will make a difference to the world. I will introduce them too to the knowledge and the hope that is to be with God and to walk with him daily.

This is my prayer for today though, that as you read this you realize that "though you are drop in the ocean, the ocean would be less without that one drop" (mother theresa). You are important. Your life is significant. So stop acting like its not and focusing on all of your problems (I'm preaching to myself here), but rather take the responsibility for the light that you have been given and show the world the love and grace you have been shown. You can do it! I believe in you ( :

Have  a great and very blessed day!

e

So Excited!!

Sunlight
steals away
the energy of the day
as its slowly waning
we are thankfully waiting
to be in the same room

if only this time
would zoom by
and not pause
until we come together
and then it flies
so wrong

making the time in between so long
and yet so precious
and sweet
I'm so thankful
to meet you
halfway
and would gladly do it ever day
just to see your smile

all the while dreaming of time spent
and what it meant
how we felt
my heart no more can melt
and yet it does
over and over again

and I think to myself when?
when did I do something to deserve this
this blessing and this hope
this thing that helps me cope
in a way I didn't know I needed
or desired
hope completely
fired up and flowing
a constant smile- glowing
life is such a blessing
because I get to spend it with you.