Welcome to Mommy Life.

Within each day, I wake up groggy headed and grasping for every last second of sleep. By 11 I give up and choose to join the living. J decides then that it would be a good time to either rest or fight with all of his life. Some days, we wake up before that and bounce around from place to place getting things done and stopping a million times to feed, change, etc.

At 1, life suddenly fast forwards. It is a constant struggle to keep him asleep because he has probably fought sleep all morning. He is hungry and cranky.

5 shows up and I start trying to appease the little one as I cook something up. I look around the house and think what did I do today?

And so each day fades into one sometimes super full moment and others very strung out and searching.

* * *

My most coveted time is the quick moment where I read a chapter of my bible. That is one moment where I feel like I got it right- not in the sense of "doing" but in a true moment of peace. I spend the rest of the day at war with myself and with God. I wonder, what am I doing wrong. I search for God in media, in etsy, in tiny worn out places. I find him most in friends, especially fellow believers. Each conversation is like a whisper "I am here" and it is a repeat of my morning reading.

I love those moments.

Most of the time I am at war and struggling.

**

"I loved you (and still love you) at your darkest." [Romans 5:8]

Beauty

It is one of those cherished moments, where my sweet little one releases his tiny grasp, curls up and breathes deeply of rest.

A Savored Sip

Freedom eludes
beauty exudes
in each sun streak that washes
against
the silky smooth
crying
mess
that yawns
and breathes
and dictates me

oh how I love him so
in a way I'll never even know

paci in purses
tucked in chairs
paci's hidden everywhere

without them questionable how we would fare

and yet
gently rocked
into a slumber
he rests
all in me
tests
the waters
of quiet
of uninterrupted
of this

this beautiful
beautiful bliss

to be and to do
and to see something through

and not running
have to save
the one
my very being who craves

yes
i love this little one

but how precious is this latte.

Your shoulders are wider

The better to carry you with 

And check out those hips

The better to birth sweet babies with

Whether width

Or weight

Don't be afraid

These changes are intentionally made

We were never meant to stay the same

But change and grow

New things to know

And acceptance of God given 

Woman beauty to sow

//

On accepting a changed and adapting body, post partum