You are my God - in the bath thoughts

You guys, here is my heart
again

I feel like I can't win
can't breathe
can't do anything

I try to make space
and it blows up in my face
I just can't do
this
this
this
everyday this

struggle bussing with no near stops

come on mr. cop
keep those emotions in check
and yet
those beautiful little pink pills
that keep me chill
yeah, those babies are out

I could shout
scream
do something extreme

like pout
yep, no doubt

and yet as I sit awkwardly
surrounded by the scalding water
face mudded
heart studded
with tiny
piercing
spears

draw near

I whisper
I hope I hope He hears

the warmth surrounds
so many sounds
gurgles and pulsing and bubbles

how is life so fuddled?
stupidly drunk
with division
when you try do right
and lose sight
and sometimes don't
sometimes won't
why the awkwardness!!!

I want so much to be
to just be ME
wild and free I read
yes, yes, yes, this my heart tests and feels is true
and you know what

I can be me
I cannot control my sweet sons cries
no matter how I try

I cannot control what others think but merely do my best
and know that I am loved by the best

"You are my God" yes, you are

though I don't deserve it

"You are my God"

though I might not be able to do more than soak in this moment

"You are my God"

though I fail

"You are my God"

and as my life is not exploding but rather imploding

"You are my God"

//

Budget Talk

Talk

tears
fears
spilling out

my soul shouts
with offense
and yet received with no defense

my sweet love
listens

we spell it out
sheet by sheet
bill by bill
and with no ill will
find
that we have post bills, post gas, post food
only a little of money to use

$100 each week
for tp, detergent and other things
my heart drops
when will this stop
I just want a cup of coffee

we finish up and pray
and walk away from the sheets and numbers
to talk with a friend
I tell her what I've learned and you know what she said?

"Thats good!"

//

Today that phrase has been floating in my head
here I was thinking we were near to dead
with no excess, no funds for recess
but really

we can pay our bills
we can eat
and we have a little on the side
who knew
that God, our provider, would give us just enough
and yet all of His love
and so in our excess may we live wisely
to pay off our debts
to live simply
and to give as best we can

and remember that we are greatly
greatly blessed.

//

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing."
Psalm 23:1

Astonishing Discovery of the Heart

Rest

anytime I quiet
this is what I hear
the Lord whispering in my ear
and yelling it to my heart

I have trouble at the start

and all this time I have thought of pausing
letting myself be
but really I think the Lord is saying, sleep.

I don't know ( :

My Savior
He is here

and as I pull that sweet boy out
"He is so handsome"
and my world turns upside down
and then twirls
as His dark haired curls cover purple
He is fine
until

snip

The chord is clipped and so is his air

First moment as a mom being scared
not counting the many before
waiting just to hear a tiny beat
is it high or low
Oh I don't even know??

Should I eat this or that
exhaustion knocking me flat
and he wasn't even out yet

and yet
and yet
and yet

here

here is my little boy

my son

as he with arms firmly but gently wrapped
around his papa's neck
looks at me as if to say, why am I leaving you?

Guilt
floods in with the storm
the clatter
could shatter
the clearest of minds
and mine?

it was already far from fine
9 months and some change
past that lost crazy phase
of being handed you

really?

I am to be trusted with him
I am enough?

I still struggle with these things
and as you start to eat
and drink from a straw
I hope to teach you to draw
but I see in you so much

everything and everyone you touch
smiles
and all the while all things are a tool
and I am the laughing fool
for thinking those child guards would protect you when your favorite game is to rip them off
and use them to get rocks to eat

you   are   so   smart

and problem solve like a champ
the world doesn't even know what is coming up
but God does
and I rest my weary soul on that

God knew I was what you needed

Tyler said no more trying to set me up with anyone- we are married
(on saying I see him being more with someone like x,y, or z)
He reminds me that he chose me

Little dude didn't get to choose but God did
and I think He knows a thing or two

and as our Jonathan learns to chew
and walk
and blah blah blah all over the place

I am in this awkward space
of exhaustion
awe
upturned rest
constant frustration
and yet peace

such a funny cocktail that I can never quite swallow
and so I slowly disintegrate and flourish
but yet here in lies the beauty
the point of something great

and I think thats it
I get a ping in my heart as I write this and I know
that God is doing this so...

I don't know ( :

The Big Blue

Largeness
It took my breath away
I gasped through my tube
and retreated to the pillars

focused on the waving grass
the sea squirts
and my boyfriend as he found our meal

but that thing to feel
like I had never seen the world so big
and never felt so lost
surrounded by blue
no end in sight

fright ensued

but as I read about God's glory
do I perhaps hide by pillars
my home, my friends, my schedule
to avoid the vastness that He is?

If I let His Glory be real
what would I be?
A small person treading water with flippers
thousands of creatures around and below me

I would be out of control

let go of these holds
let it in
let Him be the wild and beautiful God that He is

know that it is hard not to sin
to err
to wander
but lets not squander
the beauty of He
and in His great presence just to be

Nourished

Our church celebrates Good Friday with a thing called Tenebrae.

This Tenebrae I was blessed to do a spoken word piece with my dear friend Sloane. Cool to see how God has continued that experience from our piece on Jesus' thirst to now- where I still thirst, and God has spoken to me through this beautiful message at my church.

Warehouse Message ( :

//

Thirst
I thirst
it haunts
and taunts

though it is done

Lord, You've won
so why am I
struggling
battling

LOST

and so I empty myself
I hands down hand You my stuff
and hands up receive You- enough

I eat your bread
and drink Your blood
I feed on You
I listen to You
I taste You

and it is good
and You are here
go away fear

please be real
be a full meal
open my heart to take You in
that
that is for the win.

//

Hope you guys have a great day and many real moments with Christ today!

Giving of the Heart

Oh the high
the buzz
this beautiful weekend was

and then with a large shiny anvil
bam
hits his highness
with no shyness

and God, our valiant Lord,
with a severing sword
changes it all with a word

and his attack
is just that
we parry each blow
until we know
this is our stance

this is how we will handle
this
and that

marital spat
running round and round

finally we are on solid ground
paying off debt
locked hand in hand
no more indebted to this idea by man

but pushing through
to help those we know

be able to give
so others can simply live

all these beautiful things combine
and they are mine
because they are His
no more could I wish
than these beautiful jewels

tools
tattoos on our heart

this... oh what a blessed gift this start

for the giving of the heart.

The Benny's So far ( :

Check out my other site www.benevolenza.bigcartel.com !

Life on Repeat

Swirling
swirling
swirling
drop

if only it would all stop
if only I could sleep
if only he would sleep

I am losing it
worse
I am lost
no more my own boss
but completely at a loss

the straw that broke the camels back
feels so much worse than that
as a cascading pile of sticks
that are so thick
and never ending

are finally sending
me to my grave
Lord SAVE
save save save me

this cannot be

I am not me.

Be Gone Toilet Scum!

The toilet beckons
the shower screams

make me clean
make ME    CLEAN!!!!

I lean
and quickly sprint
away from any hint
of understanding
or demanding
and rather say

um....

not

today.

or at least not now
rather write would I
till my sweet little guy cries

sharing his breath with the world
with birds
with the sky
with the grass
with the air

having him near
is being there
being in His sweet presence
My Maker and My Lord
knowing my sweet little one
was made with a Word

made with purpose
beauty
and a mind
to do things of a grand
and intentional kind

and so I sit and contemplate

this space
makes all other tasks late
but makes my heart so full

my school
Mary
and not Martha to be
and in it I am inextricably
for the moment

f r e e.............................

24 hours

Like a knife
that stabs
and rips rips rips
down the canvas

so tears
my world

painted tears
drip down the slat

what was that?

where did I lose my hope?

where did I give in
to the bitter
friend
and forget Your view?

where did I lose You?

better, when did I walk away?

as he sleeps, waiting for that peaceful piece
we frantically scurry
to capture that last breath
when really death
is the freedom from fear
from pain
from all that we have gained
and all that we have lost

the cost
of distraction
of not being
is keeping me from freeing

"needing to let go of that which binds me"
I prayed
and now I see my coat, so tattered and frayed
and you with a new one
replace the old
and say "no more will you be cold
but warm

and the busy swarm
of tiny gnats
no more of that"
as He swoops me up and holds me near

"no need to fear, my dear,
I am here
and I am here with your Pop
I have been all along
and all He hears is my peaceful song"

May God bless his passing
and heal us all
in the after.

//

My sweet Papa who would always give me a kiss on the cheek and say okay sweetie is now out of it, experiencing renal failure, and has been moved to Hospice. Please be praying for his peace as he slips into our sweet savior's arms and for our family in the wake of our loss and heaven's gain.

The Fight

Exhaustion hits with a new blow

a seed
dark it sows

and sadness swirls
though My sweet Savior
hurls
it quickly past

so why does my spirit
seem to fade so fast
why do I find
no hunger for him
when prior
those unholy thoughts would swim

lust is the devils friend
and with matrimony

comes death
to what used to be our breath

and so we fight
and hold tight
to the beautiful right

to now become one.

How to... Meal Plan:

I write this having just finished 4 bowls of Reece's Puff cereal.

My normal meal though is a little more elaborate. My college self would be proud. Not only does it involve saving money but also crafting a meal.

Each week we have "the talk".

THE TALK:

1. What should we eat this week
2. What does our schedule look like
3. Who will take the lead on each meal

So you draft out your list, Monday to Sunday of meals. Crafted around one or two meats (to save money!).  You use that one meat in multiple ways. Time to get creative!

THE LIST:

Let's say we choose Ground Turkey & Chicken

Monday: Turkey burgers, sweet potato fries (easy to make from sweet potatoes) and brussels sprouts (halved, cooked with butter and garlic, and then sprinkled with parmesan cheese)
Tuesday: Pancakes
Wednesday: Spaghetti and Chicken covered in olive oil and parmesan cheese
Thursday: Chili (turkey meat, chunks of tomato, onion, beans from a can)
Friday: Chicken Sandwiches (filled with spinach, swiss cheese, and mayo) *add hot sauce for man
Saturday: Chicken & asparagus
Sunday: Left overs

[use a breakfast night or pizza night for an easy fill in, also, eat leftovers Sunday so the week begins with a blank slate aka fridge]

[when you get just what you need you not only save money, but you will be more likely to cook/use it all]

THE WEEK:

1. Commit. Say, I will do this. I will make sandwiches when I know I will be out for lunch. (make it yummy, get sour dough bread and throw in some chips and half an orange).

2. Go grocery shopping Sunday Afternoon

3. Start your day off with eggs to fill up on protein and trick your body into craving yummy food.

4. Make yourself a bowl of cereal or snack on some fruit as you cook lunch and dinner. If you've had a bad day, maybe that one bowl becomes four. ( :

Good luck and keep on crafting! 

Elohim

to saunter
jingle in mind
light in kind
streaming through

streaks
of aha
wash
the soliloquy
of me
of a washed up
torn to pieces
mother
that like a quilt
has been painstakingly
restored
till the patterns
and strips
are more
than ever before

and as I saunter
with sweet babe in tow
these walls
now hold
the most beautiful thing I know

simple

beautiful

this

now

His grace like a plow
digs up
and destroys
and adds
something richer than a fad
something that will not fade
the most beautiful thing ever made

Himself, Elohim
three in one
the son
it is not only done

it is now.

Breathe in, some how
and be...
to exist is to dream
to sing like the trees
each dish cleaned is a symphony
each smile at the neighbors is cacophony
that breaks
through
to a beauty only our creator knew
and can manifest

He is the best! ( :

The Savior Beside of Me

Was sitting with my coffee and my computer watching sweet Jonathan jump up and down. He was so excited to see me and I was dying inside. I didn't know where to reach or who to call out to but I knew something wasn't right. Thankful I'm akin to depression and anxiety, my life long friends, and so I reached out to friends- busy. Then I put on the podcast below and it spoke so much life into me in that moment. It helped me out of my deep and desperate hole. It brought my eyes to my savior beside of me. Enjoy!

http://www.christinecaine.com/content/podcasts/gjeqgo?permcode=gjeqgo&page=2#.Vqua6IRlnVo

I SHALL NOT be greatly shaken ( :

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."

Psalm 62:1-2

//

I was going to write about loss and about how our world becomes more focused with age. I think really though, things are the same and instead of focused it really grows deeper. Things that are supposed to stay stay. Some things and people, drift away like the seasons. 

My sweet husband, he is here to stay. Most importantly our loving savior, who at times is so baffling, is not only near me but within me. And so- "I shall not be greatly shaken."

Felt like God told me to rest today and through a series of crazy, rainy day awful traffic events he has brought me to this verse and to true- rest. A choice and a gift wrapped into one beautifully comfy pillow. 

Enjoy you day!

<3 e