Found this unpublished in my wall of blog posts- needed to hear a lot of this myself. Funny how God uses the things we write to teach us. Enjoy! Let me know what you think ( :

//

A few things to be visited as I wrap up my night. Wow, what a rush of emotions that come at the peak of realizations.

1. Following the Spirit is always right and almost always uncomfortable. On top of that it usually takes energy beyond what we want to expend at that moment. Do I always follow? No. But when I do that is when my life is most fully lived and I feel most energized/in the fullest place. Teasing out a thought versus a leading of the Spirit is often no fun but comparing what we are feeling with scripture often helps to find the truth.

2. We all live to express. Something in us wants to get across who we are and how we were made and wants to be remembered. We have a true yearning for that. Some of us write, others yell or tell loud stories (t) or just live extravagant/adventurous lives where they are in a constant state of expression. Whatever your way of expressing is, we were innately made to leave our mark on this world. There is some one thing that you have a burning desire to do or to be. We spend a lot of time dreaming and don't usually do this. It doesn't mean necessarily quitting our day job but rather make it a part of your life now. I love writing but I can't do that full time- but I can do it for fun and hopefully the things I write will help inspire someone to do what they are supposed to do in some way. Expressing out of love is not in vain. It can be convicting, inspiring and uplifting. This is what adds to the space of our life and the story of God. What do you feel like is your part or calling?

3. Complaining is overrated. 

4. So is talking about people to make conversation. A good friend reminded me today how the bible says to take complaints directly to that person and in a marriage that is what we should do. We shouldn't talk to our girlfriends about him and sway their opinion towards our man but rather talk to him. This ties in in this- what if we used this for every relationship. With our boss, our friend, our roommate, our significant other, and our families? How much more authentic would our lives be. We would talk about things that mattered and how we can work to change this world for good as we have been called to do (as Christians).

4. Being tired is hard and makes us hardly want to do the right thing BUT every single person is struggling. We can all reach out to God and find peace in him- no matter what. Every time we choose him, we win. Maybe not in the way we thought or hoped we would- but in a perfect and beautiful way, if only we will take on his perspective. The best way to do this is through studying His word each day and letting his instruction never be overtaken in your mind. But this should be done not out of obligation as I have so many times in the past but out of love for his commands. How you achieve this I'm not entirely sure. I started with something I loved- the Psalms and just dove in one psalm at a time. It has made for a daily shift in the way I live and an increase in the quality. I still get tired and feel lost sometimes but His words always bring me home. Sometimes we just aren't getting it though and the bible seems condemning and it all seems impossible. Call home or your closest Christian friend, or whoever is on your heart (i.e. you are thinking about), tell them what is going on and ask for advice. 9/10 this always helps. God uses his children to answer the prayers of his other children. Funny how it happens but is true.

Honestly, life is a mess and I feel inadequate probably 90% of the time but its all about the little things. How far have you improved in that feeling- do you feel less inadequate, have you made more friends, have you smiled just a little more today? Whether you are in a slump or on a hill top ready for adventure- life goes on and so does God's plan for you even when you find it hard to believe it.

It's amazing how God has surrounded my life with words of wisdom and encouragement against my greatest wishes. I hear the messages and get enraged- because nothing inside of me wants to leave my safe little bubble to deal with the mess inside of me and in the world but to live, friends, this is exactly what we have to do. We have to follow that tension of God till our bubble bursts and our world breaks and then all of the world in God's glorious splendor comes to life. I'm not there yet but I will be and I hope you will too ( : Choose life and choose in each moment to follow God, it will be hard but you won't regret it. Life may seem easier without God but truthfully, he will transform you in a way that nothing else ever can or will.

Good luck and can't wait to hear from you!

The Unsolved Mystery of the Queen

Love came down
like an ethereal crown
forever to sit and be
and as I gazed
at the girl
I was amazed that it was me

"How could this be?"
I asked
as he took this crown to clean

he said,
"My dear
I've held you near
a queen you were always meant to be"

"But what about my failures
my doubts and my dismay.."

and before more I could say
he waved it all away

and said
"Whether you curse, or yell or scream
this crown is no dream

you are my beloved
both now and forever
and together we will weather
the storm your life might be

knowing that through each moment
you are one step
more free
and my dear, that is the only way you should be

sometimes it may seem alright
and other times oppressively tight
but look to me
and you will see
that I have always intended
that you be free"

to the sweet man I asked,
"But what if I don't feel like a queen
if I am rude, or drop the ball, or worse- mean?
have I lost my crown
and in this sea I'll drown
struggling, tired, tied"

"No my dear, I'm always here
and you are always free
those times you feel so tied
just look beside you to see
that I am loosening the chain
that has wrapped around your heart
and before you can even start
to say why, or how, or what
there is no rut too deep or hole to large
no payment, no charge

just let go and look to me- look to the sea, the stars, the way
the grass tumbles in the wind
but bounces back again
look at the twinkle in the child's eye
and the ferociousness with which he always cries
and look inside and see
the greatness you can be
when you are flying free.

The world will try to tell you
the things to do
to hold tight to this freedom
but this freedom does not end,
no, my friend,
once started
it will forever be
and that my dear, is why you will always be a queen."

//

What is the freedom you are searching for in your life? What is the source of that freedom? What are you holding onto in hopes that one day that freedom will be reached? Where do you find hope in the midst of stress, pain, bliss or worry?

I was reading today about how God's love is not conditional- i.e. it does not change, ever, that sometimes in order to forgive others we have to look inside ourselves and forgive ourselves first. These great nuggets of truth paired with my church's sermon about having those hard and truthful conversations with God and others about what we are really struggling with in the depths of our hearts birthed this poetic conversation. It was not something I sat and conspired to write but something that rather was born line by line out of the truth of these thoughts and the implications behind it. True love sets us free and we don't have to be perfect to obtain it but rather we just have to seek his face. Praying you seek his face today in all you do, out of a heart of thankfulness, and a mind of peace. Love you all!

-e

Evening thoughts on perfection, love and such

a perfectionist by trade
it's just how I was made
life is often stifling
with an air filled
with things
small tiny moments
of obligation
to say
or to do
right

but what is right
when all I write
is of stress and migraines and worries?
the line becomes a little blurry
and sad
sometimes it makes me mad
but today I'll let it be
a mistake or two you'll see

because with this pounding head
and a messy bed
my heart and mind are a little dead
a little less of me

but thank God for blessings
both big and small
and that no order is no tall
and no night too short
for everything we need

I'll breathe a little lighter
with a bit more fuel to the fire
as I sit back
with some breakfast for dinner
feeling like a winner
on this night
to celebrate me.

//

and by celebrate I mean
not to put myself higher than the rest
to competitively test
my abilities to another
but rather to say oh bother
to the little and the big
I have to do
and trying something new
of not compulsively completing
all the things I've been needing
to do
but realizing
that in this moment I'm through
and God knows what I need to do
to stop, to listen, to be
to just be me.

//

missing him
is not something thought on a whim
but heart felt-
the kind the pulsates
through every muscle
and fibre of my being
it is both tying and freeing
but above all filled with a light

for this one who is so bright
a contributor to my life

he daily sets me free
and is the brightest light I see
and with him I am so thankful to be.