This beaut showed up on my pandora station- loved the one part where they sing:

We're all right where we're supposed to be  

(Time means nothing)
This door is always open, this door is always open  

No one has the guts to shut us out 

(No one has the guts to shut us out)
Time means nothing, time means nothing 

One final, final round 'cause time means nothing  

Say that you'll stay, say that you'll stay, say that you'll stay

 

 //

"Thoughts in the Breeze"

There are twittles, tweetles, deetles, and dums,
and things that make you twittle your thumbs,
but you know the thing that makes me so numb
and sit in my day dreams and merrily hum?

It is You and the mystery
of what is you and what is me
and what should or shouldn't be
and what is trapped and what is free

because when you look across the sea of faces
of different people from different places
you'll see that their pace is
slower than slow
and some people don't even go
they sit and talk about this and talk about that
till suddenly- SPLAT - they go flat
and face they are no more
but a small pigment on the floor

me, I want more
than a life to be bored
as I hoard my time or worse its taken
or I am mistaken for mad
yes that would be sad
[*]

but for me
I decide to go and grow and find
a life of a different kind
one charted for far away.
A chart that changes every day in every way
but keeps the bright orbs within reach
in my pain and discomfort and hurt
by them I am heard
as I beseech
the one who placed them there 
and no more I talk and stare

but be
in the most being of be's
the one where somehow
you let go and see
the well lit night as it sprinkles your skin
and the velvety surface as you sink in
to the soft sweet water
as all the world gets hotter

I whisper "(a)when/(b)win"

* reference to my sweet grandfather I just spent so much time with who is brilliant and funny and witty but living in a sad part of life where it is very much harder to keep the mind than the body fully alive
(a)/(b) your choice!

//

"Never, never, never give up."
     -Winston Churchill

The Secret

Turn the page
to another age
a different face
a different pace
an awkward walk
and a constant stare
to try to figure out all that's there
who they are
and what they do
and most importantly
who
is who

and as I think back
to that crazy rink
of terror and of praise
when many would
raise
the roof
to prove that they were living
and others spent their time giving
into
solitude

so when I
somewhat inbetween and shy
gave invitations
to different girls
and guys
that I had made
I never once thought they would come
and yet my party was full

full of people of young and old
something my heart needs to be told
as in later years
I find more frustrations than causes to sing
and pain, things often bring
whether in words or in acts
or hard, real world facts

but here we are
still the same
and when I think of my name
which once was longer
and now is short
and can always retort
to tell once more
of how there is nothing worth longing for
more than love
and that is a gift
we don't have to shove
or pull for
but accept

if I truly got it
it would not be a secret kept

Buttons & Insecurities

If you were
to brush my skin
you would see
buttons pushing in
some poking out
sprauled all about
but most of all you would see
me
a person that
half mentally would be
but half
but with my heart am whole
and able to heal the hole
as each
person
pushes
one more button in
but don't you see
the buttons can't win
nor the insecurities
that take root
and pull these buttons in further
because each sunday
pop pop pop
they come popping
out
and stopping
the pushing
that pushes my soul
it is when we are with him
that we really have control
or the understanding that he
can see and know and do
all we need to get through
and so as another day approaches
with buttons sticking out
I, with these buttons shout
"you don't know what you're talking about"
"I'm tired"
"No more"

//

I will stand
with empty hands
and a full heart
yes, that is how my week will start.

The Meaning behind the Word

FORSAKE

How often do we rest on the promise that God will never leave us nor forsake us and yet have NO clue what forsake means. Well, today I looked it up.

To forsake means to renounce or give up.

What a beautiful blessing that God doesn't give up on us or change his mind that we are his. I have always lived with the fear that what I am doing for him isn't good enough. This leads me to do one of three things:
1.) Hide/Victimize
2.) Rebel/Run
3.) Go overboard in trying to please him

None of these are healthy or good. God wants our heart and I choose to believe that even when I have trouble fully committing my heart, that God is still holding strong and still chooses me.

What a beautiful blessing- Happy Monday, everyone!

Taking time to Pause

On a morning that began with sleeping in and then sparked by wanting to work, I have taken the moment again to pause. Seeking God out in a new way, this song is how I spent that pause. Hope it means the world to you like it does me!

Happy Saturday!!

He's Waiting for Me

As I zig and I zag
I dig and I nag
bouncing back and forth
pacing
throwing books
words

it hurts
him
but with knees bent
this time is spent
smiling
at me

but why?
Why do you smile upon this face
that brings such disgrace
and literally throws it at you
wanting to hurt you 
to see if you'll move and do and be
but lovingly
you stare right through me and my temper tantrum

knowing I've given some
but more is to come
and so you
wait out the storm
till I am at my normal form
and you talk to me

why-
do you love me so?

and he sits and tells me

Keep Yourself Safe

Keep yourself safe
he whispers to me
across the phone
my thoughts out to sea
as I imagine this man
I always have known
but his heart only recently
with time have been shown

such love and such care
are tucked away there
and with silly voices
and lessons
he tells
of his love

as his heart
enlarges
and swells
well..
this heart now hurts
his every being
and this thing that is beating
is painful
not freeing
but the love still lingers
as he whispers his warning
thankfully he gets out of that place
in the morning
to return to a home
where his love now sleeps

thats what we are
just little
loving
heaps.

Pulling Back the Layers to Move On

The onion rips
as words trip
my ever step
forward

and with each rip
I tend to slip
first forward then back
giving slack
to what I had held so dear

and as he draws near
to pull me more
I fight
with all thats for
what would have been
grieving an idea
that was impossible

and still is
but Lord, what is this
this ache that yearns
to call
to say hello
knowing no
that you have better
always have
but why am I so sad?

Combining Blogs

August 25, 2010 // Bird Monster 

three eyed monster
carefully glued
and created
by a girl with a smile so big
and mind anything but confined
to the linear line
of thought
but rather adds to these eyes
a mane of feathers
at the base of it a close pin
to give it a place
and yet it sits
and does not hold
but hold my heart it does
in the gesture
and the beauty
of this random
creative
monstrosity.

November 15, 2010 // A Weekend's Unwinding

reds and oranges
greens and grey
the changing leaves
go to say
hello and goodbye
as i'm held closely by
the love
of new and old
transitions made
and slowly unfold
to reveal the story
all along
a beautiful
love song
unique to us
and where we are
together
and yet by distance far
my heart is hurt
to be apart
but you will always
have my heart.

//

These are some blasts from the past that I didn't want to lose! Hope you are having a great blistery day. Praying for those in affected areas from Hurricane Sandy!

Late Night Emotions

Words cascade down
like fallen bullets
that pitter
and patter
as they crash down
with each hit
they explode
an electrical impulse connecting to a new node
a new thought
that brought
a new wave of tears
and eruption of fears
and doubts and questions

but the one who loves her most
brought us to her side
not to hide
but to be
not to judge
but to see
that she is hurting
and when pain threatens to swallow
and life seems hollow
to shed some light
of how bright
and beautiful she is
and Lord, what a shame
it is

who is to blame?
for the pain
streaked across her chest
and running down her eyes
what is the name
of the one who took her life
not literally
but emotionally
spiritually
wrecked her

a beautiful girl
and so sweet
who will eventually meet
the love of her life
but, Lord, to get through what seems like this impossible strife
I don't understand
and so I hold her
with the love I hold my kids
at work
knowing
that sometimes
when words won't suffice
and there is no advice
all we need is love.

So thankful that God sent us there today, more and more evident God's beautiful plan and how he looks out for us even in the way of sending people to take care of us when we didn't know we needed it. None of that was our doing, it was all his. So sad and yet so thankful! Thankful for him!

//

My go to verse:

"Do not be afraid for I am with you,
Do not be discouraged for I am your God,
I will strengthen and help you,
I will raise you in my victorious right hand."
    Isaiah 41:10

The Final Dance

Twist and turn
sit and learn
as we are surrounded by
an era
thought long gone
but we were wrong
and as skirts twirl
and boots stomp
we begin this ruckus
this romp
with no alcohol
but plenty of poundcake and puppy chow to share

and so we are happily there
and quickly dance
and glide
even the electric slide
what a wonderful night is this
with a good friend
to dance
in joyous bliss

and just to see
people be
exactly who they are
to laugh at their mistakes
to break dance
where there is none
prewrit but to go off script

yes, to live is this
to be yourself and trust
that everything is just

that is just in the way of being right for you
though not "right" in how you think
and when you are on the brink of falling forward
or behind
thats when you find
his guiding hand
leading in you
in the dance of a lifetime.

Mind Changing

If you haven't had the opportunity, you should check out the documentary "Waiting for Superman." Every "one" matters and here is a way to see how much education means for the opportunities for each child out there. It's funny how a movie that can move you to tears can change your heart and your mindset.

Please, check out "Waiting for Superman". You'll be glad you did!

Strengthened by His Love

Ebb and flow
with silence know
it is time to start our dash

and with a flash we run
feet to the pavement
darkness before
mystery ahead

over the hill
lights shed
and share
as we are almost there
step here and there
fear
creeps in
but with one big leap
falling
falling
WIN!

And as feelings
of joy
challenge
and stimulation
splash
then comes

the tumultuous crash
of 
worry and rebellion
of wanting to live for fun
to run and to go and to swim
to completely ignore him
and as I struggle with what to do

He already knew

//

"Do not be afraid for I am with you,
Do not be discouraged because I am your God,
I will strengthen and help you,
I will raise you in my right hand."
     Isaiah 41:10

Tears abundant
to the floor
used to be
but no more
now I stuff and stuff and stuff
all this stuff
and each
little part
expands
till my hand
has no place to pull
them out
I want to shout
I want to run
to be free
away from me
and yet I am here
surrounded by walls of mirrors
no escape

and the worst is I KNOW
I KNOW the easy way
and I know its not worth it
and so I avoid each addiction
that would help
each person that might temporarily soothe
I run from these things more than I run from myself
knowing that it will not improve
God, I don't know what to do
or say
or even how to pray
your Spirit prays for us
according to your will
but Lord, I can't bear to be still
to sit and wait
I don't hesitate to run
it's what I always do
and usually to you

God it hurts so badly to see his name
but really he is not the one to blame
because when I look in the mirror
it is the broken pieces I see
shoved deep inside of me
cutting me from the inside out
till I am overrun with doubt
because in my strength there is no way
but then He always steps in and says
you are loved
and you are free
but how do you feel free in the midst of these

these things that sit
heavy
on your heart
and keep you from moving
from even the start
Lord, from this place I want to run
and yet I know it is essential
for the rest
put my strength to the test
knowing I'm not ready yet


but you will make me.

//

There is hope- put together these two verses and you will see.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25
                                                   +
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:16

= God will not leave you halfway so hope for and believe in the best of his promises



*all hopeful credit goes to a huge blessing of a conversation with my dear and sweet sister, Tori. before talking to her, things were a little less sunny- such a blessing she is!

Its funny how the words we read can mean so little and yet in a song they dig down into the crevasses of your heart. Praying this gives you peace like it did me. Happy Fall day, friends!

Stream of Consciousness // Prayer

It's funny how questions come and go and somehow pick just where you don't need to pick a scab is finally healed and the skin beneath it healing and off it is ripped, you are tripped on your face, face to face with the thoughts you had long walked over and passed only to be thrown in your face- part of your present and not just your past. But God steps in, in the ways of conversations, convicting you to change, a change in the Spirit that you now listen to and want to know, how, and why are disappearing as yes is put in place, to trust and to do. A long ago choice to not drink a drop for the sake of making good choices when surrounded by guys after the heart break of the one I cared so much for, but now in my strength I choose that again because I know that it is one of those things, that distracts, and detracts from my heart and mind and tonight as I look at the events- I see you, I see purpose, I see and feel you moving and how you put us on guard, it's not about catching a guys eye but about protecting your friends hearts and bodies as guys try to come on and they give that grimace and you grab their hand and give them a twirl, it's about reassuring them that they are the most wonderful girl knowing in your heart that is true, if only they really really knew and God I am so glad that you had me be there today and to go through these horrible things of working through a past and breakup just so I could say, this is normal and okay, you are loved and worthy and it just wasn't right, please hold on tight, big hug and squeeze, prayerfully please, God, let her know your love now and forever.

//

What I would do without you I don't know, thank you for each step taking me further and closer to you.

In your name-
Amen.

Written in the beautiful Ben & Jerry's:

Each moment
choose
to win or to lose
prosper or fail
sink or sail

and yet as I wail
on about this or that
self esteem lays flat
not inflated at all
how long ago did it fall?

and each time propped
but not secured
even though consistently assured
what is that leak
that makes me so weak
and so unworthy
of love, life and living
that i counteract with
laughter, smiles and giving

God, you have given me a choice
and though my mind makes it hard
I want to follow my heart
and follow you
in whatever you would have me to do.

Praying that I continue to do his will, regardless!

Tear drops fall
cross each canvas
with each pass
of the strip
of paint
on each brush
big and small
till slowly popping
people stopping
to see the face that smiles

*We paint our canvases with experience- let yours become something of beauty. 

Surfing

When all fades
re erased
as if never
put down

to be recast
now hold on fast
don't have a cow
we're really starting now

bend and break
wide awake
as all comes tumbling down

and somehow
we glide to the right
cutting ice and stone
water and soul alone

as I carve down
and forward
pushing on my board to go

and for those 5 seconds
I am alive
until I crash

dive
and hide
beneath the tumbling tide
and my board
hits the ground
and kick

get some air quick

and breathe
till the breakers I leave
and go out once more
and so goes the
surfing cycle

OR you can give up and quit
and say I'm done with it
which depending on the
waves & the power
may be the right thing
in that hour

but feel it out before you go
so you can look back
and fondly know-

that was good.

Old School

I found a notebook filled with some random scribbles and drawings. All of these poems/writings are dug up from it. Enjoy!

Tape

Adhesive pulls
to cover
and to stick
covering up
the mess
so spread out
and thick

but what little
tape does
in the face of
rain & more.

Duct tape can do most everything but it can't fix your heart, you need something really strong and special for that. As my friend Emily {M.} would say, "I really think you'd like my friend Jesus. He's pretty awesome and the best!"

Aug 8, 2011

submerged
in death
but brought
to life

to new
given by and through
you
who gives
us life through grace
our sorrow
broken by tomorrow

and all he already is
God is new life

Last Sat.

[Story from a long run that went longer than intended because it didn't loop.. it kept going!]

Long runs are good & uncomfortable- when I got farther than I had intended I decided to walk back. I was walking by beautifully recrafted homes and was coming upon a nice stone home when I heard "clack" "clack" "clack" "clack". What is this, I thought. Upon coming closer, I saw two small boys looking like rugged indians or cowboys with their little plastic cap guns.

To cement their pretend game the one boy with a Tori like brown haired bob looked at me and smirked as he pointed at me and SHOT! Haha, I had become the target. I jokingly ran and the one boy yelled "Get her! She is our target!" only to quickly say, " I got her." Too cute/wonderful.

Thank you God for that.
                     Amen. 

Child Psych on the Playground

So today I noticed one of the most wonderful things. My job is in some ways absolutely feeding the natural psychologist in me. These kids are wonderful and they respond with their eyes in ways that let you know exactly what is going on.

Well today, I was sitting on a blanket that covered the playground sand with my two wonderful kids when up walks one little girl. I watch her hesitantly because my kids are too young to really protect themselves and the other girl was too young to understand if she did something wrong.

Well she walks up and all of a sudden starts handing me toys. She was giving me toys for my kids. After she gave me a toy she would scan with her eyes, and try to figure out was missing, and contemplatively run off only to come back with more.

This game went on for ten minutes which in kid time is a lot. This displayed her heart to help and when another little girl came over and started taking away the toys, the first little girl gave me an eye which meant," why are you letting her do something wrong" to which I explained "it's okay _ we have plenty of toys, thank you for all of your help" and asked for a high five. She lit up with the biggest grin, missed my hand the first time, hit squarely the second and that was the end.

Such a precious little girl, and such a wonderful moment. I've come to the conclusion that we are born very much with already being who we are. It is time, people, and experiences that sharpen and shape us into more.

Have a wonderful day!!

Falling in love with where I am

1.The first two weeks

Days pass when time
seems to

drip
on
by

and all is just another task
as we bask
in the glow
of the joy
of the tiny smiles
while we tiredly
try

try to show them why
God loves them
and how
He does
and yet we are feeling
drained

all but full
of what we claim to share
if only we took off the weight
and were just there
to show them that we care
and support them
through the good and the bad?

Why that would be the best experience to be had ( :

//

2. Praises from one who knows me so little
and has seen me twice
who is funny and sweet and nice

it was quite the boost
I'll tell you what
encouragement
is a positive kick in the butt!!

(I had a new friend at work tell me that she enjoyed working with me and would request me to work in her class if she or her wonderful assistant teacher were absent. So funny how God provides encouragement when you need it most.)

//

3. Little eyes look at me
talking quite incessantly
but then the world
quickly slows
as from his head to his toes
he smiles and wraps his arms around my neck
and says
much too close to my face
"I like you"

such simple words
from a small little guy
and I can't tell you why
but that helped heal me

he'd known me a day
and yet he knew exactly what to say
and in a way
that was for me
and who I am
and not at all for what I will do
that's a love
I wish we all more familiarly knew

and yet we will

as He works in and folds
the mess inside of us
till clean and sparkling
there is no fuss

but a cozy warmth
to come back to
when the world around us
breaks
and shatters
we are good where it matters
He loves us yet
and ever more
that's a God worth living for

and somehow in
those intricacies
is where we see
the exactness with which
each prayer is
replied to
and happens
and with peace in that
we can release
and go
knowing that our God will always show
us the way.

//

4. Unexpectedly
the talk turns
to me
which I try to turn
to them
a safer water
in which to swim
and yet reflects back it does
and I am so glad
because when I am sad
I will remember
these wonderful friends
that have surrounded
and lifted me up
in this kindness
in saying of my gifts
and talents
and speaking of my heart
such life they have brought into me
what a wonderful start
to a new place
and a new time
what a beautiful thing
these great friends bring
to the surprised and thankful me!

A part of the whole

Sometimes we doubt the significance of who we are and the part we play in our lifetime but have you ever been to a festival? 

If you have, then you start to see the beauty of life. You feel it, you hear it, and sometimes even smell it. Each person plays a part in that festival and chooses whether to engage or to sit back and observe. Neither are bad positions, they just are. The great thing though? Each person there is following their passion and add so much to life just by the joy they emit with their descriptive words and their beaming smiles. 

If I could live life like I was at a festival every day- I would! And the great thing is we can, and should. Life is too short and we are too blessed to not live it fully. As I was walking around the festival, I was in awe of how wonderfully surrounded I was by great people. My three friends, Ashley, Cameron and Maxann have each taken part of different seasons of my life and are now by the grace of God all in Charlotte. I have never laughed or smiled more in my life and am so thankful for their presence.

As for feeling whole by being a part of the whole- you are a part of God's great plan that he has already put in motion specifically for you but more so for the spreading of himself. The spreading of light into a dark and depressing place, he literally breaks us free from impossibilities and from the walls we build up inside of ourselves.

 Here are a few things that give me such hope in this: 

"If you are but a drop in the ocean, the ocean would be less without that one drop."

 Mother Theresa

// 

 

No Man Is An Island

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

John Donne

//

If thou couldst empty all thyself of self,
Like to a shell dishabited,
Then might He find thee on the Ocean shelf,
And say — "This is not dead," —
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But thou art all replete with very thou,
And hast such shrewd activity,
That, when He comes, He says — "This is enow
Unto itself — 'Twere better let it be:
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me."

T.E. Brown

Looking forward

Funny how
forgiveness fights with
the want to fight
to show our rights
to say "you are wrong,
and all you have told me
all along
is hurtful
and mean
and so untrue
what if I said those things about you
and yet I did not
or did I?
If I did
I would cry
and give you my heart
and pray you'd give me a second start
to show me how you meant to say it all"

But truly,
since honesty we seek
love together we would not leak
but rather the lack
of such a wonderful treat
to share love with a great person you meet
tearing at each others soul
to help the other become "whole"
really? did we do that?
in part
but a lot of healing is happening in our hearts
and I am thankful for how he shaped
my heart after it was raped
of what it had been
and having been restored
was brought to so much more

and now it is not about you
though when helping a dear friend
sort through the end
of something similar to you and I
it brings up bits and pieces
no longer do I cry
but turn to write and listen
to the God who has my heart
and leads
knowing my needs
and my fears
drawing me near
and helping me see
there is nothing
in front of me
that can't be conquered

not from my inner strength
or muscles strong
but from my dear friend and Savior
who has been with me all along
through the doubts and the worries
the slow and the hurry
the pain and destruction
and following construction
to reconstruct
each part
of my broken and bleeding heart
that now is more whole
and happy
and joyful
and full

the past does not define us
but it sure does help us see
all that God is doing
inside of you and me.

Follow Through

Night flings
on heavy wings
the cares of all the days
it does not part or lift or say
you are okay
no it says
wait
you are not where
you should
be
or with who you love
but he speaks

and peeks through
the dark
to say
are you done
I'm here
arms open wide
waiting for you
to no more hide
but seek
me
meek and humble
tied and true
really just
you
not some fancy pants version
with hair "did"
voice of angels
or a heart to bless the world

but the one who cries
when someone is hurt
either from compassion
or humor (if they are okay!)
and who likes her hair messy
and to do random things
and to meet strangers
to learn their story
and remind them that life is not boring

he wants me for me
and you for you
and yet
what is it we seek

but perfection
and through that
his affection
what am I to do?

Nothing-but love
with all of your heart
that
that is a true and courageous start
and to seek him with everything I have
because without him I am less than half
hardly whole
something beyond being able to..

to move out of this pitiful place
Lord, where is your face?
I streak my hand against the wind
looking for you beyond my sins
beyond my heart
beat
which beats me with my past
haunts me with what ifs
or the accusatory- really?
of things that never filled me
or will
and how I still
try
to fill myself with all but good
all that he would
help me
to do

if only I would follow through
and ask. 

Today learned a few things about living that I thought I would share with you ( :

1. Naps are CRUCIAL.
2. You need good people in your life that you can do silly things with
3. Good conversations are good for the heart
4. Life isn't as complicated as we make it
5. Beauty comes when we simplify and cultivate thankfulness (prayer, renewal of the mind, & yoga help this!) -also organizing
6. The way to God is not some set agenda or equation, it really is a relationship
7. It's not over yet ( :

That's all! Have a wonderful Monday/week!

Love you,

e

Roommate Rummaging

It's about to get honest here but here's my heart:

You know how they say when it rains it pours? Its funny when you can't tell what is a blessing and what is not. Lately our house has been a place of discomfort- an extreme place of constant change. It's funny how we thought this apartment would be safe, a holding place for a year. We joked when we drove over to see it, because we had signed for an apartment without even seeing it-that's how pressed/stressed we were to find a place. And come on, it had a gate, pool, and from what we could tell- kind management.

Now, it's a little different. Our apartment is a dungeon reflecting the darkness that has perpetrated into parts of our lives. Thankfully though, that darkness has shown where the light has not been and needs to go. It's like yoga where you stretch and they say to let your self go deeper with every breathe so that energy can move into that space. Moving- that's what so much of our life is, but its also being. The beauty of living is finding a balance between the two.

And the great news?? We might have found a place- a holding, safe, fun, sweet, and joy filled place with the potential for great dinners with even greater friends. How different and how good and how evident that God's hand was in this good change! God, this great being who I love so much and yet doubt so often- he who holds our hand and never lets go and literally changes us from the inside out. Funny how all those corny Christian songs seem corny until you step into the dangerous waters of what faith really is and you see how those words are anchors to the truth that God hopes too hook onto your heart.

You are never alone and God is always with you- be careful what you ask for, it might be too much goodness to handle!

*(This is just a snapshot of one of the few GREAT things he has done this week.)

If I know...

When it happened
my jaw dropped
my eyes dried up
and all of the world stopped

and on hopped, the devil
saying "isn't this level?
exactly what you wanted for
here is your stop
there is no more on top
no hope for the world in you
and so do as I do
and follow what I say
if you want to just feel
real
today"

and so I fought and I fought
but deeper I sank
as if it weren't enough
and in the darkness I sat
and I had trouble thanking God for that

He opened a world
full of opportunities and hope
but I sat in a corner
trying to cope
cope without the one
I had thought
with which the rest of my life had been brought

a story
I've told o'er and o'er
but soon must stop
before it puts me to ruins
and keeps me from following
the God I once loved so much
and yet I know him more now
if I just look up or out or in
despite my mark
my horrible sin
that you have washed away
singing," his blood hasn't failed me, yet,
hasn't failed me yet,
this much I know, that he loves me so"
and if I know just that
well no longer can I don this dark hat
but in freedom I must cast it off and see
the beauty surrounding me

a gift of grace
in the perfect place
filled with purpose
and propriety

there is love in this great city yet!

What have you been redeemed for?

Have you ever thought of what the word redeem really stands for? Here's a little definition to give you the richness and vast truth behind it:

redeem |riˈdēm| verb [ trans. ]

1.) compensate for the faults or bad aspects of (something) : a disappointing debate redeemed only by an outstanding speech |
[as adj. ] ( redeeming) the splendid views are the one redeeming feature of the center.
• ( redeem oneself) do something that compensates for poor past performance or behavior : they redeemed themselves in the playoffs by pushing the Detroit Red Wings to a seventh and deciding game.
• (of a person) atone or make amends for (error or evil) : the thief on the cross who by a single act redeemed a life of evil.
• save (someone) from sin, error, or evil : he was a sinner, redeemed by the grace of God.

2.) gain or regain possession of (something) in exchange for payment : his best suit had been redeemed from the pawnbrokers.
• Finance repay (a stock, bond, or other instrument) at the maturity date.
• exchange (a coupon, voucher, or trading stamp) for merchandise, a discount, or money.
• pay the necessary money to clear (a debt) : owners were unable to redeem their mortgages.
• exchange (paper money) for gold or silver.
• fulfill or carry out (a pledge or promise) : the party prepared to redeem the pledges of the past three years.
• archaic buy the freedom of.

Unwind after a great time...

Heels kicked off
toes stretch wide
Curl up on the floor
from the world to hide
and thoughts of you
flitter into my head
should I be thinking of God instead?

or what about how I draw
when I don't know what to say
or it just overwhelms- this need to express
and words would be so less
than the lines
that contort
and bend
and bind
the concepts of my mind
oh this world
a constant mystery
that piece by piece
is placed on our board

bored I am not
but lonely yes
and not for lack
of friends
or family
but a lack of you and me
whoever you may be...

Warehouse 242

God revealed

a burden healed

God of new beginnings.

Hope you've had a wonderful morning filled with a feeling of the love God has for you and the hope and belief that he can help you make it through whatever you are facing!

Love you!

Not engaged

Broken dreams

I had
tripped
and they in my hand
fell
I reached
but missed
and so I kissed
those dear dreams
no more

as they hit the floor
and shattered
all that had once mattered
hit me at the core
reconstruct
there is no luck
there is something else in store

and as I piece together
a different dream
I learn what that means
to love
and live and be
but most of all
I miss you and me
or what I dreamt we'd be
and as dear friends
say I do
I wish I knew
the same for me and you
but that is not our fate
our God given destiny
he knows what is best for me
and said that better was to be found
and so I've looked around

lifted flower pots
and jumped in streams
overturned rocks
and turned over leaves

only to find
i've lost my mind
trying to do something
only God can do

waiting for the right- you.
(whatever that means)

A different kind of love

A different kind of love
not of trinkets
or of tricks
or of dangling sticks
that reach in and catch
the most wonderful guy

no this is a different kind of love
a love that laughs
a love that hurts
that holds each other in the worst
that gives us hope
that gives us life
that helps us trudge
through every strife
and yes
we digress
and sometimes regress
but always dip back into the pail

and yet that love pales
in comparison to you
you who set the world in motion
who slid the sun into place
who designed each line
of every face
and dot in each speck of dirt
what work!
and yet we grumble
and we fuss
our thankfulness we hush
in exchange for wasted words
and wantings
regrets
and hauntings

but now, Lord, now I see your face
and my rightful place
here and now in front of you
you who I have known
and have not always seen or felt or heard
even in all of reading your word
and inadequate I sometimes feel
but that is not real

what is real, despite my doubts, is you
you who gets me through
whose hand I feel
and who constantly provides
even when I try to hide
and run
or get lost in the fun
of liv-ing
but you
you love me yet
and you never forget

how you made me. 

Proverbs 31:10-31

Beauty
trances
the vast expanses
of the world
between
my heart and head
rivers
and roads
sweep through
and carry
thoughts to marry
to love
to do
to fine the perpetual
always
you

but as I search
I find
that I am
momentarly
blind-ed
by the complexity
of all I must see and do
but truthfully these needs are few

the world a few
bright colors and things
and the worry
that we bring
brings lies
that twist
and turn
and burn
our hopes and our dreams
till they sizzle
and scream
for us not to let go

we know

and so we burn
the lies that yearn
to do us off
and make us cough
under the sickening smell
that time will tell

was wrong

so sing a song
so light and true
that could only
and always
bring us back to you

simplify your life
to loving
through worry
sorrow
and strife
and in that
become the best
daughter, and mother
and sister and wife.

It won't be so long

A drive by glance
heart stab commense
every muscle
tenses
spasms
freezes
and the other line
click
Liz?

my loved one
so sweet
and kind
a great find
and blessing too

what am i thinking about
but you
and how you fit
into it
how these new men
fare
do they compare?
not really
so are they right
or am i still putting up
a losing fight

Lord knows
my heart and my mind
knows my kind
my ticks
and my tacks
and the things that pull me back
but he is shoving me forward
more gently than I allow
but loving me all the way

showed by the
friends I saw today
I am
not
nor will I ever be
far
from him who saves
my heart
when it starts
to pitter
and patter
and freeze
he sweeps in
like a gentle
breeze
sweeps me off of my feet
to a happy
dancing street
filled with smiling faces
blossoms
and song

it won't be so long.

Think Tank

There will be all sorts of things to be shared today!

When I was going for a run, I was running through all sorts of things in my mind. As I passed a teenage guy with hat cocked, pants sagging and ball in hand, I thought," What significance do we have as a person.. and is our life worth anything?" My mind instantly flashes to an image of me tripping and falling into traffic and dying, leaving me feeling pretty hopeless at my response. But just as that wave of darkness came crashing through, it was swiped away by an influx of square pictures of people. People impacted and people met, and people of the future.

What hope do we have in that? Now something to vet out- is it more important to be who we are and in that do things we were meant to do OR to discipline ourselves to act a certain way to be a somewhat different and "better" us?

Think with me today ( : There is so much to consider!

Life Speaks to Your Heart

Have you ever been surrounded by a sentiment? Where you can't seem to escape an idea/phrase?

All around are the words," Keep moving forward." Not literally, but in actions, opportunities, people, moments and more.

Take for example this video. It has been on my youtube home page for ages and what does it say but to let go, stop thinking and to accept yourself:

What are the things God is speaking to your heart through the things in your life?

Peering through the darkness...

Music fades
to overlay
the news
and friend
there are things you don't know
about me
and may never know
but love will get us there
and as you learn my heart
which I know you know
as you strung together
and overlayed
each fibre
there is hope
if only i can cope
in the moments of darkness
coffee inlaid
the price already paid
and yet i scrape together coins
to pay
you say,"
I love you."
or at least I hope you do
some things
I never knew
about you

who are you?

Great Things Ahead

It's funny how you think that life is supposed to be this perfect, everything fits kind of life. The truth is- it is, just not at all as we think. I thought that my job would be the end all for me but really what I found was that it was a bad fit. Now this realization did not fit with my view of what I should "do" but it made me reassess who I "am" & how God made me.

Meeting my mail man, Chris, yesterday reinforced just that. He had that sweet southern drawl of Forrest Gump but was a beautiful black man from South Carolina. I asked if he loved his job and with the most genuine smile he replied," I do." Chris went on to tell me about how he loved the country life and where he lived and how he had come about his job. It wasn't planned or lifelong a dream, just something that he got to and realized fit perfectly.

Meeting Chris was such a blessing and I am not surprised, God is looking out for us after all. I see that more and more in how he moves me through life and in the new people I meet. Hope he guides you to a happy place today and that you don't fight it. Praying for you!

Tomorrow

Thwarted
my heart
is
heavy
hurting
holding
off on you

you who would tell me what to do and how
but all I see is
now
and how it isn't
as I want it to be

but you have set us
free
and here I will not stay
and that is proven
every day

Thank you, father

// // // 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
       Jeremiah 29:11-14

Not Sure

Surrounded by lovely
ladies
and loving men
who show you grace from where you've been
and where you are
if you are far
from the mark

but that's the spark
this love
that helps you to go and go
when your gas tank is far below
where it should be
or ever was

but love

love
that four lettered, fettered, battered word
by every moment
into which many are hurled
and come out with it still
grasping tight
and yet so free
to let love go
and let love be

to truly see
others in their self
and in their script
and not by expectations
tripped
or shoved

but very

greatly and gently

loved.

*so thankful for dear friends in my life who love me for me and who I so much love to love!!

Love petition/declaration

Safe love
is not a real love
the kind you grab and hold
that fits the perfect mold
or so you think
but when you get to the brink
of what safe love
is
and does
and acts
and exists
you realize it really is

false

an idea built up
to be destroyed
manipulated
and toyed

till each partner changes
to meet the other
and in doing so smother
and fold
squishing the mold
till a blob
they blend

no thank you, my friend

i will take daring love
pursued by a passionate few
with two
that do what others dare not do
like talk
and laugh
and point and play
walk together through every day
enjoying it more
knowing nothing in store
but really knowing you
that's what daring lovers do

and Lord, that's what I'm getting into with you

isn't it? my heart beats for this
and I would be remiss
to sell out for safety
when our world is so big
and you want us to take a step so small
but that will raise us so tall

is that love or career
or am I even near?
I know that you hear, and see, and feel
and my heart you continually heal
but hold me tonight, please do
because I need to be close to you.

//

Desperately
tenderly wanting
the thing that has been haunting
that love so far eschewed
in a request from you
reminders drip
and drop
with a plop
on my lap
on my head
and in my ear
and my heart
there is no place to start
and in that
desperation grows
but you remind me that I know

you

Faith Crisis

Turning, chipping, molding, picking, pushing, prodding
through
big black splatter
on a white textured wall

tripping backwards
after an already eventful fall
sometimes lifted up
and in those moments light
and bright
and wonderfully lit

but then the world
shoves
it actually hits

hard with blackness
pain
and pride
causing my tail
to tuck

my life to hide
and sleep
behind these walls
I creep
slowly
pushing through and around.. and..

RUN

Run fast for the safe ground
sing my heart to yours
and you, you open doors

or at least I pray you do
and pray it through
knowing you are working still

hoping to be in your will
Lord you are good and great
today
and in this craziness, I still pray
because
no matter what
I believe that you are.

Happy Fourth!

torn behind expectations
disappointments
and hope
but out goes the boxes
of records
and of lies
out goes the many questions
of how
what
and why
out goes anything
other than you
and today and on the fourth of july
is the cleaning has got to do

freedom for all!

our heart and our mind
no feat is to tall
we will be changed
restored and revealed
our heart and mind for our healed
so on this day hold tight to your guns
pull out the fireworks
and have some fun

let yourself free to live this one life
and find a joy despite the strife!

Love you & HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!

Missing you

Drunken byes
are the ones behind
eyes
lying and untrue

trying to appease you
you who broke my heart
and set me free
because not one day did you see

me for the person God made me to be
and in this moment
of a wine filled woo

I am broken completely from you
singing sad lullaby's
my heart opens to your hurt
it was worth the work
and now

where are we
God set us free
but why am I captive

by fear
fear of the things
that keep me hostage
in this collage
of random people and things

Lord, I want to cut away
that which brings me turmoil and pain
but where is the blame
on them or on me

open my eyes that I may see
set me apart to show
the things I already know

but time
has layered upon
till I could no longer see

or maybe these things
were always unknown to me
but always true
and in unearthing them
you are slowly
showing me what to do
and how to truly and adequately
love you

knowing that it cant be me
that does it all
alone I will always fall

but in you
I truly will soar
so to you
I drunkenly or sober pour
my heart, my soul, my all

you were my wonderwall. 

HUMP DAY INSPIRATION

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU,' DECLARES THE LORD,' PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE."
     JEREMIAH 29:11

You

When everything in me would quit
that's not the point of it

I stand up tall to sing
and find myself down on my knees
not out of reverence
but desperation
what has happened to this generation

that we all cry out for more
and wonder what life is for
are we world changers
and help things to move

or followers of our own hearts and dreams
ignoring the screams
of the nation
and those in need

As we traverse these crazy waters
are we malevolent squatters
waiting our turn
to earn
our keep

but unintentionally let seep in
seeds of laziness and sin
where it seems no hope to win

and as we "wait"
we hesitate

where is the healthy boundary
of standing in hope
and standing in strength
what length should we stay
when all in us screams
and urges
and pulls at us to run

when life is more and more void of fun
of fullness
but in that empty moment
when we feel absolutely spent
and can do no more
caught up in a mental war

you sweep in
scoop us up in your arms
and say that there is no harm
that you are here
and you have not devastated us
or deserted
you are here
and you are near
and you are never a hug away
and you came all that way
today in worship
to say all those things to my heart

so that no more
I rely on boy or toy or job
or try to raise hob (which means mischief!)
but rather gladly run
into the story you have made
and my love for you
grow and not fade

but in you trust and know
that is a season for you to sow
and me to grow
and I have to hold tightly to your arm

you are never far
despite our scars
but you heal them all
and catch us before we fall
you are here to save the day

in every single way.

The Big S's- Sincerity & Security (God is this)

Screech, crunch, turn
how the numbers burn
as the wheels fall into place
and we find that special place
of you and me
and free-
dom

won
in the here and the now
hidden by complexity somehow
but revealed in the simple truth
of the blueprint

of our A & G & T & C
the DNA of you and me
how I twist around your word
and Spirit
and He opens up my heart to hear it

and as you form and mold me here
you are slowly melting all my fears
and on your firmness stand
as I feel your reassuring hand
on my back
and then my butt

giving me a reassuring and loving shove
to what
you've graced me to be-
my skills, my heart, my soul
in being me I'm whole
because I'm wholly yours

this news soothes my sores
wounds of people from the past
telling me how I wouldn't last
or couldn't be
a good enough me

not funny, or witty, or wise
or so many other lies
but you have created me to be
gregarious at times
silent others
but hand crafted
as a life changing machine
and as I look around
to know what it means
each step surrounds
and swallows
filling this deep dug hollow
with warmth and strength and love

because you've always had a plan above.

"11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.14 I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity.t I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
     -Jeremiah 29:11-14 

Thank you for revealing that it is good and godly to be me, and for always putting reminders in my path like good friends, experiences, and great blogs.

(hope this appeal/poem to God appeals to your heart in a way that moves it to change from where you were 5 minutes ago! Love you!)

Finding Jesus

A metal ball
with pulses
pushing and pulling
telling
and fooling
till at last
in the middle
strongly drawn to this or that
till moving there and here and over
I sat
no more to bend
no more to almost break
it is too little too late
and I am done
this race is run
I'm bursting this ball
breaking the point of it all
to see
what I was meant to be
and that was
someone not about me
but about you
and that's what I aim
for
align, pull and.....

shoot!

off I fly
no more time to cry
or ask why
or worry
or care
about the things not there
but forward I go
not fully knowing
but the trusting
the wind to shove and push
till I land
with a soft
mush
right into your hand
your plan
and all of you

I love you, Lord!

Amen!

(trying to find Jesus midst the confusion)

All is Well

Walking in the crowd
which is screaming back so loud
of who I am
or should be

Lord, who is me
am I green
or grey or blue
am I what I see
or what I do
or who I know
or how I grow

and then

with curtains pulled back
the world folds
buildings fall
trees become small
and at the core
is a seed
the one thing I need

and its you

believing in
and loving
when nothing is warranted
and yet everything gained
midst the great growing pains
of pushing through this earth
past the crust
the crushing hearth
that keeps us back from you

Lord, knowing myself
my quirks, my ticks, my wants
I see
that all along
I thought myself someone else
and tried to squeeze inside that hole
that unfit mold
only to find that is not right
or even mine
but there is a better one with time
not kept in one place in one way
but different

and the key turns
my heart set free
which flies with a turn
singing "weeeeee"
ready to tell
the world that finally, for a moment,

all is well.

On a related vein- check out this great blog by Christine Caine on Identity Theft.

Don't give in // Sleeping soon

God, you are not the follower
No, you are the author and when I unclasp
my fists and release
fall to my knees, give words to the pen

then, I see

I can breathe

and on we go
not really in the know
but able to go

when we thought we were done.

///

Having trouble sleeping
of a serious kind
what is this ailment of the mind
not happy to be here
forward
or behind

Lord, what is the path
of ambling I'm on
of extreme joy
and hysterical laughter
that purges way to gasping breaths
that fears what is too soon

like a house we have never seen
to sign for a year
or the creeping of questions of enough
or am I supposed to be here
and like this?

and You, Lord,
are a mystery
sometimes so beautiful
and others so mean

but is it the world that really
is that way
and you are the one I blame
you whose name
my heart has saved
Lord I cannot say enough my thanks
and yet here I wait

wait not for your stillness mercy and peace
but for my piece
my place
I ask, seek your face
for my profit and my heart
but Lord that's the start
to see where I am wrong
what I've done all along

and change

let's sleep... and soon
soon the moon will lull away
my pain
and all the worries of the day
for it was filled to the brim
but tomorrow
in thankfulness swim and be

free.

Pet Rock

Gnarled rock
scratched and rugged
rarely hugged or shined
till one day on the ground
one little boy did find
that rock and placed it against the sky
to see
how perfect it could be

He gave it a nod
placed it in his pocket
and off he trod-ed
into the sunset of a new day
new way
new place
new start
a new heart
and took this new grey friend of his
to the place where he lived
he washed it with careful care
and put it on a shelf and said," you'll go right there!"

The rock was puzzled and scared
to be in a place so new and dark
with no sun beams or stars
no happy lighting spark

Days went by as he sat
as rocks often do
but this was different
what would the little boy do?

Well one day he came back and saw
the rock he found so great
and said," let's do something new,
I've got a special plate!"

Oh no, thought the rock, he will eat me for sure
his teeth with crack and I will chip- oh the torture!!
but suddenly he saw
a rag
and light
and more
what, were are all these things for?

The boy grabbed his rock and rubbed it clean
hard but soft until it gleamed
and then he placed it under the light
and said," oh yes
this is just right
and deep inside this beautiful rock
are colors and lines and special spots
but I will leave this beautiful rock be
because it is just right for me."

Inspired by rock climbing, three year olds, and a good night!

Singing Surprise

Here and there
they run
never a moment still
everything in me to will them to sit and to stay
but there is NO WAY

When- in comes Boss and what comes across?
A loud voice to limit and control
nope
a quiet voice with a song and a lull
asking, "are we ready, are we ready,
yes we are, yes we are,"
 and like magic

tiny hands join together
and sit
what a wonderful wish come true
and if only I knew

the wonders singing can do
to calm the tiger of a three year olds heart. 

[Learning that God talks to our heart in the same way- not sternly but with love, patience, and a song.]

Meeting Grace

Grace
tip toes in
and gives you a grin
peaking from in front of you
and then behind
again
running around you
with roses
and silly poses
saying," hey!
hey! hey! I'm here."

Even when we blindly look away
or act like we can't hear
and sometimes we can't
and the world turns on a slant
and Grace seems to slip away
but it stays

Grace received- "charis", joy
not achieved by the perfect love story
or boy
but in the anchoring
deep down
into the soil of goodness
which is churning
and burning
the things not of him
and boy does that make our skin
swim
and creep
and makes us want to sleep
but in the end
we come out perfectly new
and that is what Grace always wanted to do. 

Learning more and more everyday through my wonderful church and equally great friends the intricacies and character traits of the God that has lovingly picked me up and held me in the hardest of times- and his grace has never left. Let him guide you in whatever time you are and it will be a beautiful time in your life (that's my prayer!).

CDL Dock // Fighting

Sitting there
legs caress
the deep black of
nothingness
and then it leaps
to touch your feet
and your are brought
to this

this moment where you know
you've no where else to go or be
its really just you and me

and as the water drips and drops
from the waves hitting the rest of the dock
the cross stands strong
forever long
to be
and to hold
the weary arms and head
of me

///

Running to him
for he is the only one who can save
me from my thoughts
and the world

into which I've been unexpectedly hurled
and only occasionally
freed
from the mess my thoughts have made of me
and the toll
they have taken
stolen from my heart
but that's only the start

now my lungs
are starting to fare
good breathing
no longer there
but he
he has not left my side
he does not run and hide

he is fighting still.

Just a Thought

"Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident."
    -Psalm 27:3

God's word sometimes speaks so clearly to our hearts and today this spoke so clearly to mine. Hope you fight to stay confident and in the trust of the Lord knowing that he is always victorious.

Finding Restoration in Neverland

a sip
with each breath
like a dip
a twist
a turn
through the water
which quickens
and burns
away the world
in which we have too soon
been hurled

past the expanse
of the walls
which kept away the monsters
but with a sword on my back
and a spear in my hand
I am learning to withstand
to jab

and to block
push
and to knock
the things which would
torture
and change
my mind rearrange
but rearrange no more

as I choose to kick those things
out the door
of my mind
closed off to my heart
letting in
only things of him
and loving
more
the moments
when I swim

lost in the water
of more than the soul
the Spirit
which carries me
and is making me whole

we will make it to fight another day
and find our neverland someday ( :

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
     my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
     he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people,
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge."
       -Psalm 62:5-8

New Place to Love

Walking about
the streets that shout
"you're here,
you're here,
please stay!"

A right and a left
another happy face
I'd love to know
and as the randomness unfolds
my heart
he gingerly holds
and lifts
saying," this,
this is how you need to live."

expressed not in words
but in motion
as the tides
of the city
cascade around this
ocean
of perfection
at this inspection
of a corner
of a coffee, sub, art gallery
walk
all within a minutes talk
from where I'd like to live
praying
believing
its his.

One Year Later

In reading about thankfulness being something as simple as seeing and being reminded of who I am in the one who made me so, well that's the way to go. When it feels overwhelming, you do your very best and believe him for the rest.

It is funny to look back and to see one year before and all I thought I had to look forward to, but if I had only known! Things are much different than I thought but the goodness through it God has brought. I graduated college with the promise of a job, a guy I loved very much, and good friends scattered all over the state. Coming to Charlotte was a big change.

I was blessed to live with a wonderful family and to begin to build a network both for work and with friends. However, something just wasn't clicking in my relationship and God kept convicting me of it.

Suddenly that part of my life changed and that change trickled into every single part, of my heart and my mind. I got a new job, then a second job and now am in the middle of the craziest time of my life. My mind is constantly overwhelmed and working to fix everything, but I'm learning too that I cannot fix. I can only do my best and trust God.

There too is an area of change- I've gotten to know who God is and what he wants while fighting myself all along the way. There is always much to learn and do and be. But until them I'm glad to be his, and me!

Where were you one year before and where are you now? Hope you the best on this beautiful day!

Today I talked to a man who questionably was homeless- for those who know me, you probably aren't surprised! It was both incredibly refreshing and draining because it drew on everything I have been working through in the past few months. Its amazing though to see how God used me in that exact moment and place for something bigger than me. Its the hardest thing to realize that its not about me when everything is fighting for control- but its true. Another truth, no matter how I am- God is good. I rest on that ( :

Three Things for You (the reader)

*a poem for your mind:

A love story is told

only by the bold

who would bare

the reasons and ways

they care

but today I see

how important it might be

to show and tell

the reason I know all is well

and good

When I no longer have the ability to feel

still life turns

its wheel 

grasped by one

who knows better than I

and when I should fall

then I fly

Like coming out of college

and not knowing what to do

and somehow I came to know you

blessed with a job

family

and friends

but things have changed since then

and my insides have been turned

ripped

burned

and molded

till all that I had organized

separated

and folded

is no more the me

I wanted to be

and the more

I see

and move and grow

the more I know

When the bottom gives way

and my knees instinctively bend

a hug or ear

is always near to lend

and when I say "no more"

there enters a door

perfectly opened and placed

and I see the smile on your face

the one who used to say yes

and never no

now knows-

knows how to say

"I can't do that today"

or "how about this"

"lets do that"

more dynamic now, than the before flat

no more of a push over

who changes to please

but someone who stands strong

with dirt on her knees

and when I see a wall

I stand tall and move

knowing that I can brick

by brick move

from here to there

because he cares

to help

there is no end

to the ways he will help a friend

a son

a daughter

you

because he is love

and he is true.

*A verse for your heart:

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality... If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

- Romans 12:12-18

*A beautiful song for you:

In the Neighborhood

Nathan barks across the way
if to say,"hey!"
Please stay
but no, Matt walks on
for bigger and more human things
but what does this evening bring
for poor Nathan

will he destroy a throw pillow
or drool on the walls
scratch at the window or
tear through the halls
running this way
and that
till he slides to a halt
knocking over the trashcan
thinking,"oh no! my fault!"

and barks and barks he does
as he sees me across the way
as if to say,"hey! please play!
I know you're not Matt
but I'm okay with that.
No! hurry hurry hurry
don't delay
lets hang out today!"

But type on I do
and I'm sorry too
because Nathan is quite the cute puppy
but I don't have a key or a way
to let him out today
so for now
apart we'll have to stay!

Pinterest

exhaustion reeks
and seeps through my mind
but inspired, I press on to find
the perfect something
but upon each thing
the more I dive
I dig
I search
till my eyes
twist and contort
my world seemingly distort

and it is time for this sleepy head
to go to bed ( : 

Don't Give Up!

This really resonated with me and I hope it does with you too! Here's to a great Sunday and learning about God and life and Jesus and how they are all one and we have just begun!

Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

*italics emphasis mine

My Heart

Pt. 1

Reassurance drops in
like a board sliding down a wave
turning to the left with a sharp right
the line continuing
out of sight
as the wave threatens to curl
and then hurl you far into the underwater atmosphere
but it is here
in this moment of hesitation
and waiting
where the wave turns over or holds
and the world seems a perfect mold
a perfect fit for you

Pt. 2

Forever have I fought
against the world
and I will not give in today
no more will it have the last say
I cannot be perfect
or more loved
but am grateful and thankful and glad
the world makes me sad
the things people say
and the way
they love some but not all
but here is the fall
where I tumble down
a big dark hall
and get lost in thought
and am onslaught
with a "need" to change
to be more like them
like the rest
but this is the test
to stay just this special way
that God created me for every day


Pt. 3

You walk away
down a soft path with a strong stick
to guide your way
you say too much
but not enough
and I do not know you
like a fleeting glance
I miss the chance
and feel it is my fault
and try to undo the knot
of who and why and how
we aren't together now
and God says no
but I don't know
what to do and where to go
because all I can do is stare
at the times in my head
like a recurring dream
I want to scream
to make it all pass away
but then I would not be able to say
it is finished
it is done
but this,
this debating
is no fun
it is not right or an intended sight
so i put up the fight
to make right these thoughts of you.

What do you want your life to be?

I see my life
as a kid sitting on the stairs
as everyone dances
I don't dare to join

But that's who I used to be
the new me
is a different girl
whose life has been quite the whirl
with change after change
in the past 5 years

at first it was filled with tears
and wants, never fulfilled
but now its filled with strength
and grace and more of His will
it's more of a dance
haphazard at first
but then you'll carefully see
the intentionality

I don't want my life to be
time spent only for me
and so each day I selfishly fight
with all my might
against the urge to live for one
and now have just begun
to live for them

Them the people on the streets
who you turn or walk away so as not to meet
the ones who live in bungalows behind
in the tucked away places hard to find
or hidden
as if in this place, for your safety, entry is forbidden

but I see people rocking and sweeping and breathing
laughing and crying and needing
these people are good
these people are bad
they are happy and they are sad
just like you and me
and to see
to truly see them for who they are
and to go so far
as to

stop.

and wait a minute with them
when everything within
is telling you to run
so that you can finish and you can do
but do this
don't miss the beauty of a man
just because it doesn't fit
in a certain span
of time

I want my life to be
a moment spent with glee
or sorrow
but always looking forward to tomorrow
acknowledging
the beauty of reality
juxtaposed with its pain

wanting to heal and hear their complaints
to push them when they need it
and hold them when they don't
to say yes I will
or no I won't
but always

I love you
if that is all my life can be
then I will have lived maybe not happy

but joyfully. 

(This is the result of a run and too many thoughts, also finding new areas with new people- the forbidden places of Charlotte! Hope you have a great one!)

The best!

Exhaust-ed
brain dead
as all my thoughts
wisp
and trail away
no more words left to say
I sit and feel
the devil try to steal

but in numbness
feel naught
but have been taught
to love
regardless of
the way I feel inside
and in genuineness
no longer hide

but truly show
the me He has made
that no lack of sleep
or too much work
will ever fade
but will always be
and in Him
that's how I really see

the beauty of a tree trunk
with wrinkles of grey
that move and sway
just like that of an elephants trunk

but what is this junk
that destroys and distracts
and constantly detracts
from the way we are made to think and connect
neglecting, our imagination
to see these things so similarly placed
though a different face
the trunk
of an elephant and a tree
and as I sit tired but in rest
this moment is just the best!

Four Things to Inspire You

Here are a few things that gave hope to my heart and they hope they give hope to yours too!

1. "Why my soul, are you downcast?
         Why so disturbed within me?
      Put your hope in God,
          for I will yet praise him,
          my Savior and my God."
                     - Psalm 43:5

2. from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

" When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gift?
     For He might not have."

3. "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy

4. Writing an encouraging letter and impacting a heart of a women hurt by life, circumstance, and injustice through A21.

Hope you have a wonderful Monday & start to your week!

Love always,
e