A drop can destroy if it is from a boy....

What a drop
to destroy
the way I do
me
and how you have made me
to be

what a different phase of being
and yet
why am I seeing
so much disconnect

and a need to protect
death and decay
having their way with each passing thought

not jealousy brought
but a recurring hurt
of not being enough
which is tough

because there is one that I love
more than I ever did the other
and yet it still smothers
my beating and anxious heart
which starts
and patters
what's the matter?

I ask
trying to bask in a moment of peace
a sweet release from the norm
but on comes the storm

not just that
but with a splat
drops are pouring
as the lives are warring
taking tiredness out on the other

yes my heart is smothered
Lord so much to do
and to say
and not seeming a way
please help light the way
cover me with your shade
help me see how I have been made
and who you are
let me not go far

amen.

(so thankful to be with a man)

Sacred Moments

Sacred are the moments when
the world that once so jarringly spinned
smooths
for a time
and like the teal and lime
that curls over
the line is drug
cutting
glass
as water spills
a breaking of the wills
cascades over
and I
with hands overhead
tumble
and am dead
dead to the things "to do"
dead to the things "I once knew"
done and through

as I seek "you"

I feel the pressure
I feel the want
and as if I have squandered
minutes, moments, years
filled with sorrowful tears
of guilt
and wishing
and now life is dishing
rest without rest

a true test of morals
and I
with my florals
lie
dead

burnt beyond relief
but what is this I see?
a call
oh wait! now two
and suddenly I can do

I want to live
I want to breathe
something is alive inside of me
on my own I cannot
but these gifts have made
a way
to make it through just today

(not suicidal just burnt out to the max and feeling blessed from some calls from three of my favorite people on the planet- seeing his grace through them when I cannot otherwise move. So thankful and full of praise today!)

T.G.I.F.'s

Words read
or a paintbrush's strokes
could not explain
the moment with these folks

a coming to a head
not with a hate
or a fear
but a wanting to draw near

and as each wall crumbled to the side
no more they had to hide
but honestly express
what they thought

and less
and more

and what the distance was for
and how it can be no more

yes, greatness
came before

with sappy music playing
behind each word we were saying
a moment to be shared and not forgotten
this love is now locked in
not that it wasn't before
but now it is somehow more
and we have the Lord to be thankful for
for He restores
rekindles and strengthens
and through Him our friendship is lengthened
now and forever more

Happy Birthday to my Biggest Fan!

There are some
who play
catch
with their dad's

not me
I watched him chop down
trees
that did not need to be chopped

and when we played catch
my face got bopped
and I cried

so I lied
we did play catch

this guy-
well, I thought he was
brighter than the sun in the sky
and still do
he is the only one
that can get through
to me sometimes
who has always seen
a value
to my rhymes

who has listened
as I rambled on and on
about work and friends and such
and through that
I felt loved so much

whether he was in a strip club
or a bar
because of business he was far
but his heart was always near
and he made that clear
as those places he didn't want to be
but he wanted to be with mom, tori, and me

every moment he still says
"hold on, honey...

what's up?"

putting a pause
to the cause for our monetary support
as if anything could afford
to wait
for me

he made me feel so loved
and helped me to understand
that there is more to life
than what is at hand
and yet
to take it

one step at a time

and so this little rhyme
is for the greatest man I have yet to know
and through which I have been shown
such kindness
and have found a guy in his likeness
someone kind and funny and sweet
they say, your dad, you hope to meet

so Dad, thank you for the many moments
great and bad
for all the moments yet to be had
I can't begin to think about life without you
so today
Happy 61st can't wait for 62!

Love you!! 

The Truth I am Accepting

Off kilter
I feel my body slide
inside and out
I want to shout
but "c'est la vie"
this is life
but oh the strife
that pilages and plunders
and threatens to do me under
and yet such grace surrounds
so why do I drown
in these thoughts
of uncertainty
when certainty
is my rock
my truth
my being
the very thing that is freeing
is the very thing I am not seeing
that this
is not important
it is temporary
it is happening
but it will all work out
yes, I still want to shout
and hesitate
to accept that "it will be okay"
but this I must choose to say
because it is the truth
I am accepting
forever
and today. 

Selfish Mutuality

Selfish mutuality
was the start
but now selfish control
reigns over our hearts

I see this now
with loves here
and loves far
flickering like a little star
some days so close and some so dear
and other days I am running
that love is dangerously near
and so as it flickers
and flashes
and I surreptitiously
dash
it
follows me still

till

day by day
the Lord helps me to say
"it is well
and it is yours"
and I give it
bit by bit

my heart
swelling with hope
and new ways to cope
through these murky
ways
that show the mess
of being blessed
and believing goodness over lies

sometimes all we need is a good cry
and to ask the question why
to wait
and to believe
that this thing that relieves
is real
true
and good
and that this God would
send his son
to die
and it is okay to ask why
and to trust or distrust
realizing that we "must"
not do these things or else
but in this path of love
we find ourselves
and in that find some freedom. 

//

Sorry
I would love to say
to the one who brightens my day
and always carries my load
and who lives in such a positive mode
you bring such light to me
and when that is not returned
I am so sorry

but

I am trying to not say
sorry
every day
but to accept
that in every way
we cannot be
perfectly
or even great

sometimes we will be too soon
and sometimes too late

but God

has orchestrated
a beautiful plan
for you, such a handsome man,
and me, a beautiful girl
in my own way,
and I am so thankful
day to day
for how He shows me Him in you
and it's nothing you have to do
but just a reflection
that is true

each day is special
different
new
but thankfully the same

because of you

a friend once said
she knew that God loved her
and her husband did too
and that was all she needed
and as I searched and searched
to find myself
my identity the Lord always held
and slowly revealed

and then I met you
and the rest of me healed
and is doing so now

I find solace knowing this a now
thing
and not forever

that this bond we have
will never be untethered
but strengthened and renewed
and we will be strong independently
and live with a selfish mutuality.

Love you, T!

Warehouse Small Group

As a letter I pen
these words spend
their time
the first of many rhymes
and far from the last

I am blasted with the past
with past struggles and times of process
what a "beautiful mess"

and yet as I sit here
humbled
by the beautiful woman around me
talking of things free
and yet so convicting
as to challenge the very being
of my beating
heart
starting
a change
and with this rearrange
I react
with little tact
but these women respond
as I've forever longed
and am every day
taking in...

with grace

this space
so empty and full
feeling quite like the fool
for being so strong in what I believe
and yet
the Lord
relieves
the pressure from my heart
and shows me the way
to listen and not say
until unbound
words resound
on loving ears
and these words are just
words

fears
no more

eyes cast to the floor
and yet
all their eyes on me
helping me to see
that they will be
in this moment
just as I will with them
and so is this race that we swim

in the ebb and flow
of this getting to know

a beautiful new group of women. 

Found this unpublished in my wall of blog posts- needed to hear a lot of this myself. Funny how God uses the things we write to teach us. Enjoy! Let me know what you think ( :

//

A few things to be visited as I wrap up my night. Wow, what a rush of emotions that come at the peak of realizations.

1. Following the Spirit is always right and almost always uncomfortable. On top of that it usually takes energy beyond what we want to expend at that moment. Do I always follow? No. But when I do that is when my life is most fully lived and I feel most energized/in the fullest place. Teasing out a thought versus a leading of the Spirit is often no fun but comparing what we are feeling with scripture often helps to find the truth.

2. We all live to express. Something in us wants to get across who we are and how we were made and wants to be remembered. We have a true yearning for that. Some of us write, others yell or tell loud stories (t) or just live extravagant/adventurous lives where they are in a constant state of expression. Whatever your way of expressing is, we were innately made to leave our mark on this world. There is some one thing that you have a burning desire to do or to be. We spend a lot of time dreaming and don't usually do this. It doesn't mean necessarily quitting our day job but rather make it a part of your life now. I love writing but I can't do that full time- but I can do it for fun and hopefully the things I write will help inspire someone to do what they are supposed to do in some way. Expressing out of love is not in vain. It can be convicting, inspiring and uplifting. This is what adds to the space of our life and the story of God. What do you feel like is your part or calling?

3. Complaining is overrated. 

4. So is talking about people to make conversation. A good friend reminded me today how the bible says to take complaints directly to that person and in a marriage that is what we should do. We shouldn't talk to our girlfriends about him and sway their opinion towards our man but rather talk to him. This ties in in this- what if we used this for every relationship. With our boss, our friend, our roommate, our significant other, and our families? How much more authentic would our lives be. We would talk about things that mattered and how we can work to change this world for good as we have been called to do (as Christians).

4. Being tired is hard and makes us hardly want to do the right thing BUT every single person is struggling. We can all reach out to God and find peace in him- no matter what. Every time we choose him, we win. Maybe not in the way we thought or hoped we would- but in a perfect and beautiful way, if only we will take on his perspective. The best way to do this is through studying His word each day and letting his instruction never be overtaken in your mind. But this should be done not out of obligation as I have so many times in the past but out of love for his commands. How you achieve this I'm not entirely sure. I started with something I loved- the Psalms and just dove in one psalm at a time. It has made for a daily shift in the way I live and an increase in the quality. I still get tired and feel lost sometimes but His words always bring me home. Sometimes we just aren't getting it though and the bible seems condemning and it all seems impossible. Call home or your closest Christian friend, or whoever is on your heart (i.e. you are thinking about), tell them what is going on and ask for advice. 9/10 this always helps. God uses his children to answer the prayers of his other children. Funny how it happens but is true.

Honestly, life is a mess and I feel inadequate probably 90% of the time but its all about the little things. How far have you improved in that feeling- do you feel less inadequate, have you made more friends, have you smiled just a little more today? Whether you are in a slump or on a hill top ready for adventure- life goes on and so does God's plan for you even when you find it hard to believe it.

It's amazing how God has surrounded my life with words of wisdom and encouragement against my greatest wishes. I hear the messages and get enraged- because nothing inside of me wants to leave my safe little bubble to deal with the mess inside of me and in the world but to live, friends, this is exactly what we have to do. We have to follow that tension of God till our bubble bursts and our world breaks and then all of the world in God's glorious splendor comes to life. I'm not there yet but I will be and I hope you will too ( : Choose life and choose in each moment to follow God, it will be hard but you won't regret it. Life may seem easier without God but truthfully, he will transform you in a way that nothing else ever can or will.

Good luck and can't wait to hear from you!

The Unsolved Mystery of the Queen

Love came down
like an ethereal crown
forever to sit and be
and as I gazed
at the girl
I was amazed that it was me

"How could this be?"
I asked
as he took this crown to clean

he said,
"My dear
I've held you near
a queen you were always meant to be"

"But what about my failures
my doubts and my dismay.."

and before more I could say
he waved it all away

and said
"Whether you curse, or yell or scream
this crown is no dream

you are my beloved
both now and forever
and together we will weather
the storm your life might be

knowing that through each moment
you are one step
more free
and my dear, that is the only way you should be

sometimes it may seem alright
and other times oppressively tight
but look to me
and you will see
that I have always intended
that you be free"

to the sweet man I asked,
"But what if I don't feel like a queen
if I am rude, or drop the ball, or worse- mean?
have I lost my crown
and in this sea I'll drown
struggling, tired, tied"

"No my dear, I'm always here
and you are always free
those times you feel so tied
just look beside you to see
that I am loosening the chain
that has wrapped around your heart
and before you can even start
to say why, or how, or what
there is no rut too deep or hole to large
no payment, no charge

just let go and look to me- look to the sea, the stars, the way
the grass tumbles in the wind
but bounces back again
look at the twinkle in the child's eye
and the ferociousness with which he always cries
and look inside and see
the greatness you can be
when you are flying free.

The world will try to tell you
the things to do
to hold tight to this freedom
but this freedom does not end,
no, my friend,
once started
it will forever be
and that my dear, is why you will always be a queen."

//

What is the freedom you are searching for in your life? What is the source of that freedom? What are you holding onto in hopes that one day that freedom will be reached? Where do you find hope in the midst of stress, pain, bliss or worry?

I was reading today about how God's love is not conditional- i.e. it does not change, ever, that sometimes in order to forgive others we have to look inside ourselves and forgive ourselves first. These great nuggets of truth paired with my church's sermon about having those hard and truthful conversations with God and others about what we are really struggling with in the depths of our hearts birthed this poetic conversation. It was not something I sat and conspired to write but something that rather was born line by line out of the truth of these thoughts and the implications behind it. True love sets us free and we don't have to be perfect to obtain it but rather we just have to seek his face. Praying you seek his face today in all you do, out of a heart of thankfulness, and a mind of peace. Love you all!

-e

Evening thoughts on perfection, love and such

a perfectionist by trade
it's just how I was made
life is often stifling
with an air filled
with things
small tiny moments
of obligation
to say
or to do
right

but what is right
when all I write
is of stress and migraines and worries?
the line becomes a little blurry
and sad
sometimes it makes me mad
but today I'll let it be
a mistake or two you'll see

because with this pounding head
and a messy bed
my heart and mind are a little dead
a little less of me

but thank God for blessings
both big and small
and that no order is no tall
and no night too short
for everything we need

I'll breathe a little lighter
with a bit more fuel to the fire
as I sit back
with some breakfast for dinner
feeling like a winner
on this night
to celebrate me.

//

and by celebrate I mean
not to put myself higher than the rest
to competitively test
my abilities to another
but rather to say oh bother
to the little and the big
I have to do
and trying something new
of not compulsively completing
all the things I've been needing
to do
but realizing
that in this moment I'm through
and God knows what I need to do
to stop, to listen, to be
to just be me.

//

missing him
is not something thought on a whim
but heart felt-
the kind the pulsates
through every muscle
and fibre of my being
it is both tying and freeing
but above all filled with a light

for this one who is so bright
a contributor to my life

he daily sets me free
and is the brightest light I see
and with him I am so thankful to be.

Mess to Blessed

my mind
is like a kind
of trap
where things get wrapped
up
and tangled
hope
often strangled
till all
comes falling to the floor
the twinkling stars
of things that seem so far
and the creatures
falling on the floor

till one day I crash
midst the whole of that
and my mind splatters onto the floor
it's over I think
as my heart is on the brink
of too much
and too little time

and yet as I write this rhyme
it is like the sign
of finding out
what it is for
that this messiness is more
than a mess
but a moment entirely blessed
and in this moment
of tugging emotions and thoughts and things
there is goodness He brings
because He has already brought
quite a lot

and that's something, I unfortunately forgot
but now can remember

no longer dismembered
but piece by piece
joined
together
stronger than the feather
I once was
turning into a rock
that can be used
slowly pushed, and heated and fused
whole.

Surrounded by paintings
driven by the goal
to finish these things
to make them whole-y
Yours
to do Your work
and yet I sit
and write ( :

Beauty is Our Complexion

Mind transformed
world reborn
as each thought
explodes

into goodness

what would
bless
me
like this?

what beautiful bliss-
to come from simple steps
of first here
and then there

and guess what?

He actually cares
his hand spins
in and out the people
that mean the most

a host
of moments
of perfection

beauty is our complexion
when we are in love with You.

Head throbbing
the world knocking
cannot see it for what it is
is there a possible bliss
beyond this hazy mist
as my head threatens to expand and explode
swelling at every node
and so my pillpopping self
swigs back with caffiene
the thing to help me see
but for everything there is a purpose

even migraines... ( :

Conversations in B&N

Things would fall to the floor
as I cast them left and right
and forward
and back
till suddenly
the slack in my mind
snaps to
and I know what to do
I go to You
and You lead me to him
as my thoughts
I'm drowning in

he holds my arms
and rubs my back
pulling in the slack
showing me the hope
a more perfect scope
casting out an answer
for this problem-some riddle

and like a quick release
please
forget these things I've said and done
forget them as the setting sun
forgets the day
the way we've lived
and the things we say
quickly and with haste
like a paste
paint it to
the parchment of yesterday
no more to stick to me now

yes,
how beautiful like the unique spots on a cow
it is to learn something new
about how to live and do
today I'm dying to myself to live
but not in the way to sacrificially give
but more to accept
whatever is next
as a present from You

yes, Lord, that's what I am to do.

Love You. 

//

Never, never, never give up.
   Winston Churchill

Filter//Running

I have a question for you- Have you ever seen something on facebook and been like- I wish I had that?

It's so funny because God used a moment just like that to remove the filter I have been using to see my life through. If you pull back the comparison, the pressure, the ideas and see it for what it is- I see my life for just a moment as it really is- good! I've been blessed to visit two of my favorite people in the entire world up in New York this past fall. I've had ample opportunity to experience life and to push the limits with some of my favorites here in Charlotte. I've had good friends have babies, seen my family more, and been blessed with a job and coworkers that are amazing.

When you pull back the filter of comparison, you can see life for what it really is.

//

Running
seems like the thing
to do

feet to the pavement
asking what He meant
as each street side I peruse

each passing stride
I use
till thoughts turn to pain
and as it would rain and fill
like a shrill car horn

threatening to make my heart
leap from my skin

but then, then I look within
and what do I see
but a beating heart
a new start each day
a hope
a love
a belief

that is a relief
and not a burden

and if I am hurting from that hope
and need to cope
He will say, "nope,
you've had it wrong
all along
I will set you free-
seek me."

and so I run and I run and I run
trying to contemplate
not all my thoughts are covered
some are running up late
but then
like a crashing plate
they disappear
shards
there and shards
here
but no more
is mind a clouded mess
but I am someone running- and blessed.

Thankful for this life and my creator!

Dream Fulfilled

Words hit my ears
that normally would spear
and well they do

deep down
they slide
like a gulp

through my throat
dripping
down

to my stomach
till my heart
starts to ache
oh how to be real, to be genuine
not fake
not rake away this hurt
where are the words?

there are none

and so instead I rest in You
slip into your peace
and piece by piece
behind closed eyes
you orchestrate
the things on my plate
in a way to be consumed
processed
and moved beyond

and so I awake
not fake
but real
able to feel good

exhaustion onset
and more could I have slept
but in Him pressed forward
missing the word
to express
this mess
my dreams and mind had been

so I didn't tell him then
but when I did
he as usual drug it out
till I was like a spattering spout
spraying out words
of hurt
of raw
everything

and you know what he said?
not a thing
demeaning or insecure
but things that make me so sure
that this one
is one to be held tightly to
and given thanks for
surely he is a gift straight from the Lord.

//

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
 Proverbs 13:12

Stoop Thoughts

I sat down on my front porch steps and as I gazed at the herculean clouds billowing past I thought, "Why don't we disconnect more like this?"

As I watched these clouds and a few black specks that my non-corrected eyes made out to be birds that swept in and around the wisps of wind pushing these large clouds forward you would think this moment- full of life and hopeful meaning would capture my attention, but you would be wrong (sorry!). My gaze started to shift from this beautiful, peaceful, and divinely purposeful moment to my phone. This small simple electronic device to which so much of my life is constantly tethered.

I thought back to an article I read one time at a trip to Barnes & Noble with Tyler about boredom and how it rejuvenates and builds the pathways of our mind. And yet... our society has taught us to not be bored- to fill our every moment with some sort of entertainment or expression. In attempt to stay away from these two categories which stave off boredom, I bound them together in a folder titled "free time" thinking this would make me realize the choice I was making to surf facebook over doing something to be or to invest. So here I was torn between the eternal and the temporary.

What brought me to this moment on my stoop, sitting on the edge of nature but drawn to my phone? Well, I hate to be alone. My house felt stuffy. I hadn't been outside all day save for my walk to the car and to and from work. I have too much to do and had no energy with which to do it. It also seemed a great place to sit and eat some dinner. But really, how often I am drawn to this place of choice between a temporary filling and a long term filling. Often, I fall for the temporary and forget the things that make life so full. So what it is it? What are the things that make you so full and how can you live your life in a way to choose the divine/good more than the temporary connection?

Prayer is the only way I've found so far and I've just begun. Fill yourself with goodness, one choice at a time.

Mystery

End of an era
the beginning of the new
who knew my mind would shrink
before it grew
and as you pull and pull and
pullllllll

I feel more empty than full

I question
I stumble
I fall
every moment seems to tall
and yet you pull me up
and encourage
against the daily carnage
that throws daggers at my face
and digs at my heart

yes, Lord, this is a beautiful start

I apologize for when I trip
and for when I decide to wonder
but thank you for the time to ponder
and to be
and for bringing me back
to the life that is free
showing me the "way"
and how it changes every day
but really stays the same

that's what it means to live in Your name

such a mystery.
[Thank God, it's almost Friday!]

Tomorrow

Echo
Echo
Echo
Thump

my world that was so wide
is now a hump
a place I merely sit upon
and wait
for life to come
on a silver plate
am I hiding?
no
isolating?
maybe

this is a season
I'm sure
but, Lord, what is the cure?

Why do I find it so hard to talk
and to get up and go and walk
is it that deep seed inside
the one I try
to hide
and act like isn't a part
of me
that God has slowly freed me from
but some
holds on still

but God's will is good
and merciful

there is hope in every turn
the important part is that we learn
and don't complain
despite the disreputable pain
because in each groan
there is within us a moan
that lifts up a care
so that God brings us out of there
and to something truly unqiue
that only time can speak
to our broken hearts

so start your day
in every way

with thankfulness.

The Inbetween

The numbers, the colors, the lights
what is wrong, what is right?
and so my head bounces
from this and to that

no place to land
to lay still or flat
but like a pent up ball
of questions
I bounce

on

failing at the inbetween
caught up in the angst
of excited to be there
so much wanting to be

and yet here
months away

and so I pray
for help
but as full as my mind is
it is empty still
Lord, what is your will
in this
how do I grasp your godly bliss
spend time in your grasp
until this time passes?

Oh, what can I do?
I am struggling
to gather the pieces
here without you!

My heart is a mess
trying to untangle this tress
of this beautiful thing
that only your goodness could bring
to my life
and so I pray
despite the details
and any mess
that I realize the beauty and why I'm truly blessed

to be with my best friend.

//

Trying to figure out some things in my heart and the reason for my insomnia of late. Excitement is so good except when it keeps you from necessary sleep ( : Addio amico mio!

Real Talk

So my sweet sister one night decided to have a real and deep conversation with someone she cared about while I was in the car and she kept asking if they could have a "real talk". 

I think so many times we don't have this- we act like we have it all together and do everything that society deems appropriate for our age and just keep trodding on. But let's be real, that's not helpful nor does it help our friends and loved ones feel normal. So real talk on our 20's- here goes nothing!

There is a verse that has struck me over this past year -So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. If you are out of college and in the real world or maybe in the depths of school, this verse rings true. There is never enough time, never enough money and nothing is ever perfect. So how do we do it? How do we go about life and really live it to the fullest as God intended? Honestly, I'm not sure but I'm willing to figure it out through a few steps. I've started on a few below that I'm trying to consistently practice to fully take in each fibre of God-given life around me.

1. If you're like me you try to do things and keep up like you're rich- i.e. eat out, go to concerts, go out all of the time, but chances are if like me you are also poor- you might have a house and food and are able to pay your bills but are really one emergency away from having no money SO this step is to live within your means. Establish a budget and really stick to it. This will make you more creative and more fun because when you do have the money to go out it will be AWESOME.

2. Be intentional.  People in the old days just made it work and we can too. Go outside to parks, meet friends at your house or theirs and use what you have to make a good night- leftovers, cheap wine, tea, good stories, childhood movies, etc. Establish that community that really matters and really makes you rich.

3. Take care of something. Grow a garden, or just one plant, or work really hard to maintain a blog. Nothing in life is going to get easier so the sooner we learn to take responsibility and find joy in it the better and what better way than a nice air giving plant (:

4. Exercise. It is the best way to boost your health, your mood, and your life overall and better yet it is a free activity to do with friends. 

5. Live with integrity. Nothing will ever be lost in the long term from your doing the right thing now. You have a small part of the world that has been given to you to harvest and to change for better or for worse- which will you choose on the daily and how will you change the trajectory of your life to meet this new path you are choosing to walk on?

6. Don't live in a Facebook bubble of comparison and isolation- call your friends and family. Those tv shows you love- there are approximately 10 characters and yet they live a "good life". The same goes for books. That's because its not about how many friends you have but the quality friends you have. So spend less time online and more time experiencing things with these 10 people. Make those movie/tv show moments real and stop thinking about this persons engagement or that person's new baby. You are amazing and your life is as full and as great as you want it to be. So call your friends and go live your life!

6. Pray. Whenever things get rough, because let's face it the farther we are from college and the safety blanket of our family back home the more overwhelming life seems. But it is not impossible and we are not alone and God honestly will give you what you need. If what you are praying for doesn't/isn't happening it is either not the right timing or God is doing something else right then. Even a prayer as simple as "God I literally can't do this project anymore can you please help me find a way to figure out this problem", can lead to a beautiful end. Don't underestimate how much God loves you or how He wants to provide for you. 

7. Listen to your gut but don't follow your desires. Sometimes we just know things and those things lead us to the perfect place at the perfect time- follow that. Other times we are overcome with how much we want to devour a massive 3 layer cake or be with a person that isn't good for us, etc. this leads to some sort of flooding/destruction of your life. Try to do this and give yourself grace when you don't and you let that destruction in. Nothing is beyond repair and your life can become better. Sometimes you just have to take it a moment at a time. Live.

8. Love fully. You are going to get hurt, it's inevitable. Be careful who you are close to and who you let love you but try your best to love others always and everywhere. There is no better or fuller or more perfect way to live. (Also, if you haven't, take time to love yourself- that is important too because having a strong foundation of knowing who you are and fully accepting it will help you help others on that same journey to self acceptance and the reception of love)

9. Lastly, fix your minds on good thoughts. When you started to go down the thought of what if, or well this happened, and really start to get tired and sad- STOP. Do not go down that road. Change your thoughts and literally think of 10 thoughtful things. Write them down. Do something nice for someone else. Do not let life or this moment get you down because it is about to get better. Believe it and accept it- it is a blessing from God in each moment to be received if we only fix our minds on beautiful things. 

Thank you for listening to my thoughts on this, I would love to hear your thoughts too! Feel free to comment or call. This is not an easy life but we are all in it together and that's why it's beautiful. The verses below are great for being in our 20's and freaking out about the things we don't and can't yet have. But then reading this you realize, maybe we don't need to!

Ciao!

//

Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!

No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

[Matthew 6:19-34]

Drops, fall, as all of me slides
into my heart that hides
squinting in the sun
finding nothing fun
not because of want
but because of the sleep that sits
and exhaustion that hits
my body and my soul
sleep=whole.

[The Lord is my shepherd and I lack nothing. PSALM 23:1]

What?

My heart breaks
as my heart strays
from its strong hold-
the God fit mold

but in depression
onset by exhaustion
I have slipped some

having done
nothing
but my thoughts
beyond
Him

turned on me

Lord, I don't want this
my life to be.

Family

With splashing and thrashing
and all things quite fun
there is nothing so filling
as the play of little ones

their laughter contagious
their joy infectious
and they come and go
and where they are
you know
and life
is
because they have lived
and though in later years
it is hard to see

that same little person
who could be
so bright
a beautiful light

but we are not so far
and so we talk and we struggle
we laugh and we cuddle
and maneuver through

the different things
to do
or don't
and really just push
when we want to give
to sleep, no more to live
NO
we must push
we must live
we must share
and for those whose hearts are there...

enjoy the laughter of the little ones who care.

PERFECTION

Judgement waits
at every corner
and with every cat call
it glances
this way and that
till splat

it lands on our heart
ever to start
the never ending debate
of am I early, am I late
is this even right
what is You and are You there
how could You possibly ever care

and so we go about our daily lives

stuck in the muck of what it means to "thrive"
cars and families, work and friends
but if we don't live it well
then we live it to what end?

but rather without light
without love
we have lived without nothing of

Significance

OR

is there some beauty
to our destruction
our mistakes
and the chances we forgot to take
is there something in it
some beautiful thing
that gets us closer to the beautiful ring
of the still silence
of perfection
as our projection ends
and reality begins-

the beautiful world already created.

Someone to Befriend

The wind wafts
what time stops
and in hair & skin & clothes- grows

and as you see
you know
from the long scraggly beard
his dress a bit weird

and then the pack on his back
goes to show
but do we help them?

no

we walk toe to toe
keeping to the comfortable world we know
with pressing needs
and worn knees

and in that my mind slows
a fountain to be found
and poem to be written

about this city that has me so smitten
but has made me so hard
and wanting no more to see
the homeless man in front of me
perhaps
it is from knowing

and working in a shelter
to know that everything is their enemy
and with my own fight against so many things in me
I have no more to give

but without the ability to give
we cannot really live
and in we enter into the conundrum
of self help and selfishness

and develping this
ish
this life

whatever it may be
but I know for me
only giving sets me free

and so I give you these words
so this moment may be heard and felt
and someone who is able, this man will one day help.

The end. [5/13/13]

Post "Calla Lily Ponder" Thoughts

There are many things I could choose to write
but this is from my heart today

as I sit and read
about this newest books lead
with eyes that are teary and worn
not from content
but from an irritation
and now dilation
its as if my mind is torn
between the beauty of inspiration
and the action of
embibing
transcribing
and creating my own

and so within my heart
these words are sewn
like pictures of old
from stories in my childhood told
with the music on the side
in the days where to play was to hide
but now to play is to be
where things can hurt me
but I have to find a way
and not everything will get done in one day
and sometimes never
so you have to be clever
and choose what is right and what is wrong
and what is important as the day grows long
as your heart grows tired
what makes you wired?
love

and though my love
is far away
and I get frustrated
in times like today
because its strange you see
to try to know someone new
that you never knew before

but as I read about a girl who loved
a boy first
who broke her heart
and so she started her own adventure
well I'd venture to say
I had a similar way
and now she met and married a man
who had and followed a plan
to pursue her heart
kind of like our start

and so as these words pull me in close
my eye tears with pain
because this time is not in vain
and though your first love
will always hold a piece of your heart
they lacked some smart needed
to hold your hand forever. 

//

God knows the things He does and He plans our lives good and bad for our good, if we will only step up and see it ( : Love you guys!

A4

My heart is ringing
as You go
drip drop
stop
I can't move
I can't choose

frozen

sin infiltrates my mind
with kinds
of thoughts that are debilitating
myself hating
a "painless drug"

I sit and shrug and wither
neither hither or there
as too much I care

& slowly melt away
until You say,"
be still
I will
restore you yet-
so don't fret, sweet one."

and with a kiss
You miss the bad
and grab the good
and the should
becomes the is
as I only wished
and with that kiss
I see
You love
me

and the scales fall from
my eyes
& to my surprise...

I see not my God
but a handsome man
part of God's plan to make
me whole

& heal my soul

"one
day
at
a
time"

peace rushes in
my God to win
ever His is the victory.

      In Jesus name,
                        Amen ( :

Dry Bones // A2 // A3

"Dry Bones" by Gungor

//

A2

Surrounded by blessing
upon blessing
why am I still guessing
and blindly thrashing
about
filled with doubts
not about the goodness
but in how it applies
within my life

my heart
cries
as these lies
invade

stuck in the shade
on a sunny day
should be so refreshing
and yet...

//

A3

"Peace be still"
but Lord!
Your will
it evades me still
and as I fill my life
with good and great
I feel one step too late
never to reach
the shores
of more
always drawing up less

this darkening address
as words return
and burn a way
a light
a path
as darkness cannot fight
the wrath
of what it has become- dark
but only the spark
of light
can fight the dark
save the day
pave a way
through the embers of my heart
to stir them into burning
restore the yearning
and quell
this feeling of needing to yell
in absolute frustration
at everything and nothing at all

Lord, where did I fall?

forgive me, Lord, as I recollect
and detect the moment
of possible disdain
that causes you pain
may Your name yet be
ever on my lips and in my mind
each moment Your presence find
though You fill my inner being
may I know your freeing
love.

Amen

//

He loves us yet... (think on that!)

A-1

I once collected flowers
roses
lilies
all
but now I collect none
but remember them all
through pictures and through thoughts
of the one that brought them here

and as I near
my time to sleep
in creeps
the anxious patter of my heart
why this start
caffeine may be the cause

all I want to do is pause
go back to where I began
to a place of simplicity
where I can merely be

to be alone
is beautiful
so tranquil and filled with peace
but give it time
and you will find a missing piece
as your heart atrophies and dies
and inwardly you cry
and awkwardly walk on.. sighing

I would be lying
if I said I did not wish
sometimes to fly or swim like a fish
to be lost
in the depths
of the worlds created in our minds
like the kind
lived in by children to fill the moments
of each day

what can we say
what can we do
Lord, I only want to get through
this depression
brought by lack of sleep
uncertainty
a lack of hope
as all that founded me crumbles
or at least seems to as I stumble
but does any of that matter?

in comes the patter

but wait, does it really?
am I the real me?
Have I become lost?
What is the cost?
Can I genuinely be-
or should I be a different me?

No more can I be
something other than my core
and yet I feel God calling me for more

please heal this discrepancy
this moment of sensitivity
and let me see

the beauty in front of me.

a

My Imagined Response to a Friend's Heartbeat

(for her)

Beautiful notes
ding into place
spreading out
filling the space
and as I breathe
up and down
there is no room to smile or frown
only to be

and though I feel not free
I am not tied
tied to emotions that make me cry
I am in this moment here
not for some reason of fear
but out of love
and so I sit
listening to the stars above
sit and talk
of things they've made
little figures
each season a different shade
as the earth twists and turns
and still we yearn for things to come

and in this
some lose their hope
their scope
their peace of mind
that is not the kind
of love you have given us
or life
you have given us this moment to be lived to the full
so what do we do
when we are sweating bullets
and life is anything but cool
and heating up
we fear
that the end
that moment of joy
will never be near

what then Lord
what will you say-

"stay

stay in my arms
in my sweet embrace
and whether you are in the child, adult, or parent place
I see your face
the twitch of your mouth
that downcast eye

But I have a surprise
a beautiful plan

yes you may be but a drop
but a special one
that through so much will be done
so don't discount what I have for you
there is so much for me to do
and I am working to show you the way
but don't worry about today
or tomorrow
or time to borrow
my plan is perfect
and it is good
and all will end up as it should."

//

(for the Lord)

I don't know what things will be
but know You are inside of me
and that You see
the world for me and more
and if I could see it all I would be floored
let my mind not be so inwardly set
full of frets and regrets
but rather let it with purpose be upheld
as You perfectly weld
my life into being. 

//

(for him)

There is nothing like a hug
to make you feel so safe and snug
to fill you with hope and love and peace
to give you that quick moment of relief

and you are so sweet
to come to my side
with nothing to hide
but full of joy
and adventurous thoughts
of wonder

and when the devil would try to plunder
no words may asunder
this moment
or these truths

that God has bound
His hope resound
through us

and that is worth the fuss
of many miles driven
and time apart spent
because of each moment together
strand by strand tethers
not to restrain but to free
the heart inside of me

and in thankfulness I daily sit
thinking of this
so thankful for each moment of bliss
that passes by
like a sweet feathery cloud
passing in the sky
with the grass below
and the sun covered above
feeling the warmth
of each thought of love...

Late Night Prayer

Breathing deep
I feel the sleep
roll over
my mind and my heart

but the second
starts
to pitter
and pat
over this
and that

and soon I am onslaught
with things I can't ignore
as they rip
and strengthen their grip

and compulsively
I clean, fix and straigthen
but to what end
to help a friend?
to help myself?

Where in this lies any wealth
and as I straighten my thoughts
and fix my dress
I give to you my stress
my worries
and my fears

and You say
sweet child
and draw me near
but I am a child no longer
and each day I realize that
I grow stronger
or at least pretend
to and that my friend

is the real end

so what in this life is more real
than the dreams
that plague our hearts and our minds
of a beautiful or brilliant kind
but Lord what happens when we are left wanting
and afraid

into still waters I would normally wade
and yet
for resilience we are formed and created
this life, this path we are slated
is not for torture
but for hope
and so as I teeter
on thoughts that are not so good
what would
You direct me towards
to help me move forward
in Your perfect plan

and You say, lean not on man
so lean not indeed
but in You, we are hopeful and freed
may You constantly my heart remind
with thoughts of this kind
so that in thought and deed
Your will may I ever heed

in Your name,

amen

Many Things

Hunger fills
as each moments stills
and I crave something more
in the dark, music filled room
there is something I am hungry for
to move
to do
to write

something about this is not right
and yet for this moment it is
and so I take great bliss
in knowing the blessing of being
in a place so full and freeing
but knowing too
that God knows what to do..

.even when I am fighting
a battle against His heart
to make my own plans, my own start
and He every time
gently helps me rhyme
to get to the part
where I realize His hope, His love
and His involvement from above

that He is not so full of rules
or teachable tools
but really a gift of grace
a familiar face
that cups our head
and gives us bread
or friends
or family
yes, You are more to me
than the things I read
or understand
because I have been given life
directly from Your hand.

//

God has greatly blessed my life through new things ( :

"Behold, the former things are come to pass, and new things do I declare: before they spring forth I tell you of them. Sing unto the Lord a new song, and his praises from the end of the earth, ye that go down to the sea and all that is therein; the isles, and the inhabitants thereof."
   -Isaiah 42:9-10

//

A well intentioned look
I read you like a book
put your pages you closed shut
and I asked you," What?"

You said, you'd tell me later
and to remember the date
you better believe I wrote it down
this was going to be something great

//

So as we sat on the bench
legs almost swinging and all

who knew
I'd be ready for the fall
of the words on my ears...

did I hear you clear??

and yet as doubts spread around me
I am filled only with light
knowing that this next step is both godly
and right
only God can have the last say
but I know this today
He led me to you
and He will lead us through

And as I look forward with hope
less and less I need to cope
but more I feel filled to the brim
with ecstacy
as if I dove in any more
I would be
swallowed whole
mind, Spirit, soul

but God has gently set me apart
to involve only my heart
and not to overwhelm my mind
but to fill me with a kind
of peace
to show me the piece
that I had been missing and that now is full

seeing so clearly now
all the rules
and how within them winds His love

and how He has orchestrated this from above
like Perez, & Boaz, & many more
God has done this plenty times before

and its not from the easy that He gave us son
but from many messed up persons, yes everyone one
with a faith for You and a heart to serve.

persons who against their circumstances had quite the nerve
and though I am far from that great woman this thing to say
but Lord thank you for being with me each day

And as things become more definite
as it becomes a "this is it" moment
and we begin to hint
at things to come
my heart is so content

the future spreads out in front without fear
but rather excitement draws near
and wraps around my heart
what a wonderful start
to a new adventure
prayed over and lifted up
with expectency
let's see
what God has freed and set apart
because only He could give us this beautiful start!

One7

As I sat surrounded by women of all ages- volunteers, friends, children, children forced to leave neverland before they even set foot, I was blown away by their testimonies. More amazing than that though was their absolute love for new people and new friends and their want for you to be a part of their life. Here we were walking into their home with the intent of blessing them. Somehow, I feel like it never works so much that way- I have never been so blessed by anyone in my life as this wonderful group of people.

On a day when I had been contemplating money issues I was brought face to face with a little girl who was borrowing her sister's shoes- 2 sizes smaller and her toes stuck out a few worn holes. Here, money was not the issue, nothing really was an issue, it was all about love and time spent. It probably dates back to a mission trip in Mexico in the early 2000's that I felt this same love and peace. Being at One7 made me realize how essential community is. This is something I have realized in bits and pieces but true intentional community is so beautiful. There was nothing lacking here and their faith? Oh man, their faith would floor a life long Christian. I accidentally volunteered to lead one of the girls small groups in wanting to help and was so intimidated not because I was unprepared but because their hearts were so strong and full of faith for the Lord that I honestly was at a loss in the face of these young women. These ladies were beautiful. Two of the girls had a very apparent love for the Lord and it brought us near to tears. Its amazing how when you see those with less who are so innately blessed, you realize how much more life is than our previous and possibly privileged concepts lead us to perceive/believe.

I don't know where to go from here, or how my life can change, all I know is it needs to.

If you ever get the chance and want to be a part of something amazing going on in Charlotte, you should definitely check out One7 Ministries! It will change your life and you will help to be a positive mentor and new friend to a great group of students and volunteers.

Hope your Maundy Thursday has been filled with remembrance and an opportunity to reflect. I know its an awkward place to go (one I often avoid) but if you actually visualize what happens (as cheesy as it might sound) it makes it more real. Honestly, today when we are "diluted by the world daily" there is nothing more beautiful than a tangible moment with the truth- something we so dearly hold onto but so rarely experience. So lets go there together and challenge the comfortable place we so often sit in for a place that is more awkward possibly but for sure more right. There is no better place to be and in the long run from this change of embracing the awkward I think we will find that we will have become better men and women than we had ever hoped to be.

What a beautiful moment to acknowledge that Jesus died for our sins not as a bandaid or as a coverup but out of love for God's people to truly save them? Hosanna means "God save us" and save us he did. Lets let that love and that truth of our salvation truly sink into our hearts and not just because we are Christians and it is something to do but at the end of the day nothing clears away depression or fear or need like Jesus and there is something truly uniquely beautiful about Christianity and that's a fact. It is hard to acknowledge the truth of it in a society so prone on debate and comfort rather than trust and acceptance but if God has taught me anything it is to trust him and despite all of me he will always provide. I'm praying he provides in your heart in whatever way you need this Easter but most strongly in a way that unifies your life with the path that he has already set out for you! You are wonderful and more loved than you know. Don't ever stop believing that you have a purpose or that you are loved- these are two innate truths that will not and cannot change.

So whoever you are reading this, know that you are loved and that in him you can truly do anything! 

HAPPY EASTER ( :

My heart

My heart beats
at this phenomenal feat

of each foot
moving forward
as if walking across
a nail laden board

and I barefoot progress
for Him to be more
I must be less

but, Lord, this process
involves
so much of my mess

how does that show You?

-except for the miraculous things you do
and how you've changed
me
Lord, how you've set me free

but how this hurts to show
please bless me with the peace only you know.

Amen

Love//

We dance
to Dean
a slow step
with smooth turns
and a little swing
what sweet joy this brings

Hate//

A moment of simplicity
where once to have a sleep over
was simply to sleep
but in creeps
this fear
of having you near
of knowing
that grown up rules
come from a different school
from a different thought
I never knew what that night
taught
till it was
and now I know
sleep overs are a no go

Love//

As I grasp ridiculously to this d--- bamboo
and you listen and pry
as I slowly let the tears
drop
and dry
you pull me in tight
and the Lord lets my heart be light

Hate//

After that moment of pain
I awoke to a stirring peace
like the cold cool rain
donned my shoes
and ran
like only a cool hearted person can
and I ran till
I
Found
peace
on a piece of pier
as the water would draw near
more lost were my thoughts
in the ebb and flow
and all that I had known
was lost
and so I went to my dear friend
to find what to do
and when we entered the store
I didn't know what for
the ladies looked at me like they did
if only they knew the pain I hid
but it was done
and there was hope
now only forward to cope

Love//

You see me smile
you see me cry
and you ask me why
and fill my heart
there is no end to this beautiful start

and as I feel like I can't push through
you help me to
Thank you ( :


Hate//

Never before seen
this change
what could it mean
now I know it is not cool
but then
then it became a tool
a way to take away the weight
of these helpings on my plate

Love//

God held my hand
and held me tight
and helped me know it would be
alright

Hate//

The next week almost crashed
into an attractive man
as only fate
can have it
he then was on the ship back to the island
we talked
numbers exchanged
if only a number had been changed
number two humiliation

Love//

As I sit still
He gives me my fill
through musical notes that
twirl in the air
and help you to care
and to move
and to dance
and to do
yes You
my creator
my lover
who helps me now
oh my beautiful maker

Hate//

Then came the one
who asked me for water
midst
a group of girls, a group of lovers
and I a friend, an other
so aptly picked
and he
the things he said
well sometimes they just don't leave my head
and when I tried to encourage
my heart he did discourage
and so onward led

Love//

You are my comforter
my strength
when life is long
you give me length

Hate//

There was one by the pier
with eyes so blue
I can still see it clear
but it was not out of compassion
but passion
that we came here
and again to the store I went
time spent
time wasted
oh the haste which you moved
if only it had behooved you to wait
to see
the soul inside of me

Love//

I pause
I wait
moving still
but inwardly
not
You, oh Lord, are all I've got

Hate//

Then came the last
and the one which had
the chance to heal
but oh what a meal
you made of my heart
torn from the very start
my spirit said clearly "not him"
but I did not see who it was
and so in I went for a swim

I gave and he took
till he took a second glance
and gave our relationship a chance
it was a push and a pull
pressed by passion
but in what fashion
because it was not love

and yet with time
there was a love that crept in
and he held me close
but it still wasn't right
and the tighter we held
the more God said
this is not the life to be led
both either hot or cold
never on the same page
lets rearrange
this
and so we did
life planned
hand in hand
to be no more
and so our hearts were spilled out on the floor
and with it
the insecurities built
up in the pain
of conversations past
oh but they held fast

others he had wanted more
hopes he had
for me
to be more
of things I could not more innately be
wanting to change
the way I see and do
what more could I do for you?

//

more lies inside and continues to hide
but these letters of love and hate are neither early or late
but in frustration laid
and love paid
I am never farther away than a prayer. 

So therein lies my heart
I am thankful for a beautiful start
every day
and I hope to honestly always say
the things of my heart and my head
honestly led to share
for those He so greatly cares
so that He might also lift you up to see
the honest conversations that could be
and in that
you can be absolutely free
by the blessings of His hope
and the giving of His Son
so fret not dear for the fight is...

won.

//

Never, never, never give up. - Winston Churchill

Good Talk

Real life
digs deep into your soul
ripping open
a large gaping hole


and as wine trickles through
it helps you in part
but not the whole
because only serious surgery
can heal up that hole

and so as you try to patch it up
with bandaids
of empty words and phrases
go through different life style phases
you'll finally come to this

really life contains no bliss
or beauty
if you keep your eyes on the pain
each day will be filled with rain
and you will slowly drift away
but if you lift your eyes to the heaven
and hold tightly to hope
then against anything you can cope

but till then
I gladly tip back
one tiny glass of vino ( :

Nothing is Wasted

I don't know a lot of things

but I know the light
I feel when you are around me
I know that the Lord gives such light
the kind to be shared
and not to be strapped up and stored away
no this is something to be displayed
and as I search the scriptures
and sing His songs
my heart lifts
and sings along
my voice, scratchy, lays silent and still
but is this Your will
to get me to be
so it will be You and me?

Your words they hurt
in a way that heals
as You tell me that You
have created
and known me
before my first breath
first step
first awkward moment or thought
before any bad moment
brought tears to my eyes
and pain in my heart
You knew

and the beautiful thing?
You still do.

Lord, take this heart of mine
wrap it up
and heal it fast
that we may move past
this moment closer to
the things You have called us to do

that is my prayer
You who have protected Your people
always
and who have set out the world
not in stone
but in a beautifully carved wave
that crashes and builds
and weilds
time within its pulsing current
and as the past
creeps in to grasp the present
time is bent
moments relived are not real

and so God heals
He brings our heart to His hands
and He pushes and pulls
till we can be no more full
of awkward pulsing pain
and with a quick release

peace

rushes in...

//

Psalm 139

Believing

Darkness swallows
and as I dig down to the deep
to find the source
so that I can sleep
I find instead a dam
and instead of freed
I am damned
to a moment
of absolute sorrow

no more this world can borrow
as it beats me in the face
my heart begins to race
where is the joy that I so recently held dear
Lord, draw me near
hold my heart
show me the start 

and as I wait for Him to speak
and to relieve 
I look around
I see smiling faces looking back at me
and the ways
that He has shown
the things He has always known
and now I just have to trust

it is not a choice
it is a practice
and a hope
and the only way I can daily cope
because, Lord, my enemies are fighting dirty
but this is no dark thirty
and I will not give in
no they will not win
because yours is the victory.

*inspired by a night this weekend

//

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!"
   Psalm 139:17

Colorful ( :

Black and grey
were the only way I knew how to dress
but then I went to school
and learned that colors could be cool
but they were so hard to rightly arrange
that I came off looking a little strange

with time I found one of the best
teal was so much better than the rest
and slowly entered in neutrals
of white and beige
a wider range

then a guy I knew
added pink to that too
but I didn't quite like it so I changed it to coral
met Ashely and added a little floral
with Diane I saw a brighter flare
and so yeah, with patterns, I went there

but with you I feel so colorful and alive
like any color could thrive
filled with opportunity
to show and express and be
knowing you, in so many ways, sets me free

to be more colorful.

Let's Dispel the Darkness

I woke up this morning and just knew I could not go to work. I prayed and prayed and prayed, Lord, let me know what you want me to do- I feel sick and exhausted but let me know what to do. As I found my boss' number in my contacts she immediately picked up and from my scratchy almost nonexistant voice I knew I had made the right choice- to stay home.

Now as I start my morning stirring around my apartment, eating, drinking water and cleaning, I paused to listen to one of my favorite speakers and unofficial mentors- Christine Caine. After watching a few videos on her blog I was somehow connected to this one.

It stirred me and challenged me in a way God always uses her voice to do. As I sat and listented to her talk about the inhumanity of sex trafficking and the impact that we can have by saying that this will not happen under our watch, I was taken aback. Previously having been involved in the abolition field by supporting a dear friend, I had been a part of the group working to stop this horrendous reality. Now what? I found myself asking. I want to make a difference in all I do and to really leave some goodness in the world through my life. The answer, one step at a time.

You see, God, in my life at least, has often used tiny steps of obedience to reveal a bigger picture. Those who are trusted with little will be trusted with much. And part of that can be done by looking at the injustice around and in us- choosing to believe his truths, and really to put ourselves in an uncomfortable place. It often is hardest to do what is right but be careful. The devil knows this and uses many tactics to attack us including asking us to give up things that the Lord has not required of us. It is always a good practice to vet out these questionable requests with a time of prayer and reflection upon the truths you know of the Lord. Often, the devils schemes are shown in this moment.

Now, the devil is an interesting character. Growing up I did not really believe him to be true. I believed in heaven and hell but it wasn't till I was in my dear friend's youth group that I began to see the negative impact of this force that is the devil. His reach extended beyond Hell to the constructs of reality- into the every day moments of our world. I was so on fire for the Lord and wanted to do everything right that I began to learn the difference between what is evil and what is truly good. But learning the truth and living it are two completely different things. It has not been till nearly 7 years later that I an learning the actuality and practically of what it means to follow Jesus- love, grace, patience, humility and meekness.

In all of these things, because we often do not understand love, grace is my favorite. Grace is showing love to those who do not deserve it or which is harder for our pride- forgiveness. So often we will say, I love you but I can't forgive you right now. Working with kids I know that this statement is so intensely false. A child can hit another kid and it angers you so much because they just hurt someone that you love BUT if you speak into that child that they are a horrible, mean, and a manipulative kid- guess what they will become? Those things you spoke. The same goes if you are to speak life into someone whose life has been anything but what would seem to be "the good path". Believing that God has good plans for everyone is crucial. We are open to a vulnerability that will often almost crush us, but through that God teaches us strength and resilience. I pray I never lose that vulnerability for the sake of my own protection. I know with time it will be less natural to open up as I enter into a family and my new role is to to build up a culture and a structure stemmed by my husband and I and I will want to protect my children from so much. But I pray that though I do protect their purity, that I lovingly introduce them to the world and the ways that we can and will make a difference to the world. I will introduce them too to the knowledge and the hope that is to be with God and to walk with him daily.

This is my prayer for today though, that as you read this you realize that "though you are drop in the ocean, the ocean would be less without that one drop" (mother theresa). You are important. Your life is significant. So stop acting like its not and focusing on all of your problems (I'm preaching to myself here), but rather take the responsibility for the light that you have been given and show the world the love and grace you have been shown. You can do it! I believe in you ( :

Have  a great and very blessed day!

e

So Excited!!

Sunlight
steals away
the energy of the day
as its slowly waning
we are thankfully waiting
to be in the same room

if only this time
would zoom by
and not pause
until we come together
and then it flies
so wrong

making the time in between so long
and yet so precious
and sweet
I'm so thankful
to meet you
halfway
and would gladly do it ever day
just to see your smile

all the while dreaming of time spent
and what it meant
how we felt
my heart no more can melt
and yet it does
over and over again

and I think to myself when?
when did I do something to deserve this
this blessing and this hope
this thing that helps me cope
in a way I didn't know I needed
or desired
hope completely
fired up and flowing
a constant smile- glowing
life is such a blessing
because I get to spend it with you.

Pouring it out

"When it rains, it pours,"
she said
if only she knew
the transfer in my head
and pouring of my heart
as it falls onto the floor

what for? I ask
not because it is not great
or enough
but because it hurts
because each drop
is like a ripping
of a leg hair
long grown in
but ghastly and gross

but Lord, as I sit here
and sketch out the reasons
I see past seasons
where you have shown such love
when I have looked above
and beyond
looking back I am so fond
of these times
but seeing the pain in the rhymes
I wrote
hmmm.. I should be singing a different note
of thankfulness
to be here
and that He is near
and that no matter what happens
it is supposed to be

but God, what is tangled up in me?
please stretch it out
lay it flat
and show me
what is "that"

amen.

Mirage or Oasis?

As I walk

slowly

one foot
dragging
till the next
pulls forward

dust fills my lungs
and I can hum no more

yet
in the distance is a splash of green
can this be?
this beauty seen?

and as I approach this beautiful lagoon
filled with grapes, and lakes and hope
I say to myself, "nope"
This is not real
and commence
to not let myself feel
the extent
of joy
that has exploded
and expanded
in my heart

& God singlehandedly
gave
me
this

but that's it
me?
what do I deserve
and how can it be
this great thing in front of me
and yet as I am filled with questions
and doubts
today I choose to sing and shout
dance about
because this is one 1. mirage/2. oasis worth celebrating! 

//

"The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy but I have come that you may have life to the full."
     John 10:10

New Adventure

Necks craned at the spotted sky
Let's play I spy
and see what we can see
but really letting free
our imagination

let it fly
answer why
this dipper is so small
and the other so tall
which is real
I don't know
but I know I feel
excited ( :

and thankful!
as each step forward
there is more of a skip in my step
so much pep
just from this

when all would seem to swirl
and pass
you by
and you would give it all
to live
a certain life
to pursue the God
who frees you from all strife
only to realize He frees you in a different way
and to your heart He says
"be free
and only follow me"

and so I do
or at least try to
and feel my heart falling on the floor
and I pick it up
before more
is cast
run away from the past
and embrace this chance
trust God
with this romance
I will

each moment kills
stretching forward
as if time
is hoarding and holding me back
okay guys let's tack
turn this boat around
and race into the wind
this is a battle I'm ready to fight
because for once
I am fighting for what is right

or blindly going
and not really knowing
who knows
but in His hand this lays
and I am here till He says
"go"

I'm His, ya know?

"When It's Hard to Believe in You"

Pt.1//

Lines blurr
as I sit and sketch

You

the one
who knows what to do
and as my words
twist
and turn

their marks
alight a spark
inside
of me
but who do I see,
is it You?

that emerges
on the page
or have I placed You in a cage
the one who "is"

so much more and nothing less
who has made my life blessed
and yet
when I look at the page
sometimes
I see the empty

the unknown

forgetting what You have shown
or told me to do
"I'm through"
I'll say as I run away

only to come back another day

begging please
and crying on my knees

a fun crusade
in honor of Your name
but really in search of the You in me
because that
that is the key...

in sharing
you are free. 

Pt.2//

But is that freeing
because are we really being
or are we trying to pursue
some impossible gate
that is left up to fate
decided by God
along with the hairs on our heads
when He said
I am Yours

God, what made you choose
to not let us lose our life
to the strife
that would inwardly crush
the things that always seem so much

and even with our name
we know our fame
of "victory"
"beloved" "His"

what granted us this bliss
and struggle
unlike Harry Potter's muggles
lost from the world of magic
and far from the grandness beyond
of their "normal" world they are so fond

are we those people
those ones set apart
made of a different heart
or changed
rearranged
to become
the sum of all of our parts*
put forth in our time

yes, that is our rhyme
our beat
true defeat
comes not from living
but from "almost" getting there
and not care-ing
enough to push
the last bit of will
the moment of still, shear terror
where we find
we've almost lost our mind
and when we have...

success
and Jesus tells the rest
as He lifts our weary hearts and minds
beyond any place we can find
and though the words
are muddled in our head
even though a thousand times He has said
we are His
we are loved
God is love
we hear above and get lost

lost in a train of thought
in another year
in a fear
anywhere but here
as we know
He has told us to go and be
we keep pointing at ourselves
and saying,"me?"

Pt. 3//

"And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"
    Esther 4:14b

I would love to hear your thoughts and comments always. Hope you are having a blessed day!

The Top

Fingers tight
"do what's right"
Push and pull till
up up up
we go
tapping the bar
to show
we made it to the top
and as we slowly repel
we are able to exhale
until oop
we hit a side
but still we slide
and see the top
of the impossiblity

when did our lives become
this fast race
to reach the top
with no technique
instead
we freak
out about the details
of being so productive, effective, so many words
quality never heard
and as the world speeds by
our hearts seem to fly

in and out
they shout
please stop! slow! this fast
we cannot go
till pain
hits us like a train
and we are lost in the sorrowful rain
and cannot see the light
for gold
and death has its hold
decaying
the fraying
of our already fragile hearts
that the world would beat
up
and pour into a cup
for breakfast

but let's hold fast
and push past
these insecurities
and lies that they truthfully are
because then we won't be far
from the truth
the top
and where we were meant to be.

I love you- know that & know that truth evades us but not forever. So just hold on, lean back and take a break as God holds your rope, breathe deeply, and then try again- but never give up realizing that your "mountain" is more of a problem than an impossibility. Whatever it is you face today- you've got this!

Pushing Hope

"My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass."
And as I sit here
an untouched fallow
in a ditch that is slowly filled
with hope
and as the edges reach
the end of the slope

I am able to see
the joy within me
as we then scoop and thrust
and sway
parting the water away
each push
pushing my heart
force-ing
it to bea-t
one more time
and go!

Where to, we do not know, but go it always will
because here it cannot be still
but you force it to move and grow
and so I go. 

*inspired by a psalm & Aqua Zumba with a wonderful friend!

Hoping

The beauty in the now
transposed
into people not posed
but still
as they talk
and move
and fill
the words the others needing
every moment feeding
such is the thing to be
such is being free

and hours wizz by and time seems to fly
I am met
by things that made me fret
but now my appetite is wet
and heart is complicatedly calm

and so I sit back in his palm
looking at the unknown
with his promise
pressed
to the tip of my heart
a promise
he has not yet
started
to fulfill
and yet I believe it is his will...

here is to hoping!

Found

Thorn in the side
nothing to hide
as it stabs my chest
what is this
rest
I had not bargained for
and hurts even more
and deeper
like a creeper
that just won't leave
so is this thing inside of me
how can I live
for this alone
hitting me
stone by
stone
till death is near
and overwhelming fear
heart empties
what once was full
and I am left
a shell of a fool

such is to love and to be lost
But I am so ready to be found.

Let it Snow ( :

Here is to believing in God for great things... like SNOW! And also an everlasting hope not dictated by circumstances or feelings. Hope this video gives your heart a start for the rest of your week and the beginning of your weekend. Happy almost Friday, folks!