Welcome to Mommy Life.

Within each day, I wake up groggy headed and grasping for every last second of sleep. By 11 I give up and choose to join the living. J decides then that it would be a good time to either rest or fight with all of his life. Some days, we wake up before that and bounce around from place to place getting things done and stopping a million times to feed, change, etc.

At 1, life suddenly fast forwards. It is a constant struggle to keep him asleep because he has probably fought sleep all morning. He is hungry and cranky.

5 shows up and I start trying to appease the little one as I cook something up. I look around the house and think what did I do today?

And so each day fades into one sometimes super full moment and others very strung out and searching.

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My most coveted time is the quick moment where I read a chapter of my bible. That is one moment where I feel like I got it right- not in the sense of "doing" but in a true moment of peace. I spend the rest of the day at war with myself and with God. I wonder, what am I doing wrong. I search for God in media, in etsy, in tiny worn out places. I find him most in friends, especially fellow believers. Each conversation is like a whisper "I am here" and it is a repeat of my morning reading.

I love those moments.

Most of the time I am at war and struggling.

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"I loved you (and still love you) at your darkest." [Romans 5:8]