Looking forward

Funny how
forgiveness fights with
the want to fight
to show our rights
to say "you are wrong,
and all you have told me
all along
is hurtful
and mean
and so untrue
what if I said those things about you
and yet I did not
or did I?
If I did
I would cry
and give you my heart
and pray you'd give me a second start
to show me how you meant to say it all"

But truly,
since honesty we seek
love together we would not leak
but rather the lack
of such a wonderful treat
to share love with a great person you meet
tearing at each others soul
to help the other become "whole"
really? did we do that?
in part
but a lot of healing is happening in our hearts
and I am thankful for how he shaped
my heart after it was raped
of what it had been
and having been restored
was brought to so much more

and now it is not about you
though when helping a dear friend
sort through the end
of something similar to you and I
it brings up bits and pieces
no longer do I cry
but turn to write and listen
to the God who has my heart
and leads
knowing my needs
and my fears
drawing me near
and helping me see
there is nothing
in front of me
that can't be conquered

not from my inner strength
or muscles strong
but from my dear friend and Savior
who has been with me all along
through the doubts and the worries
the slow and the hurry
the pain and destruction
and following construction
to reconstruct
each part
of my broken and bleeding heart
that now is more whole
and happy
and joyful
and full

the past does not define us
but it sure does help us see
all that God is doing
inside of you and me.

Follow Through

Night flings
on heavy wings
the cares of all the days
it does not part or lift or say
you are okay
no it says
wait
you are not where
you should
be
or with who you love
but he speaks

and peeks through
the dark
to say
are you done
I'm here
arms open wide
waiting for you
to no more hide
but seek
me
meek and humble
tied and true
really just
you
not some fancy pants version
with hair "did"
voice of angels
or a heart to bless the world

but the one who cries
when someone is hurt
either from compassion
or humor (if they are okay!)
and who likes her hair messy
and to do random things
and to meet strangers
to learn their story
and remind them that life is not boring

he wants me for me
and you for you
and yet
what is it we seek

but perfection
and through that
his affection
what am I to do?

Nothing-but love
with all of your heart
that
that is a true and courageous start
and to seek him with everything I have
because without him I am less than half
hardly whole
something beyond being able to..

to move out of this pitiful place
Lord, where is your face?
I streak my hand against the wind
looking for you beyond my sins
beyond my heart
beat
which beats me with my past
haunts me with what ifs
or the accusatory- really?
of things that never filled me
or will
and how I still
try
to fill myself with all but good
all that he would
help me
to do

if only I would follow through
and ask. 

Today learned a few things about living that I thought I would share with you ( :

1. Naps are CRUCIAL.
2. You need good people in your life that you can do silly things with
3. Good conversations are good for the heart
4. Life isn't as complicated as we make it
5. Beauty comes when we simplify and cultivate thankfulness (prayer, renewal of the mind, & yoga help this!) -also organizing
6. The way to God is not some set agenda or equation, it really is a relationship
7. It's not over yet ( :

That's all! Have a wonderful Monday/week!

Love you,

e

Roommate Rummaging

It's about to get honest here but here's my heart:

You know how they say when it rains it pours? Its funny when you can't tell what is a blessing and what is not. Lately our house has been a place of discomfort- an extreme place of constant change. It's funny how we thought this apartment would be safe, a holding place for a year. We joked when we drove over to see it, because we had signed for an apartment without even seeing it-that's how pressed/stressed we were to find a place. And come on, it had a gate, pool, and from what we could tell- kind management.

Now, it's a little different. Our apartment is a dungeon reflecting the darkness that has perpetrated into parts of our lives. Thankfully though, that darkness has shown where the light has not been and needs to go. It's like yoga where you stretch and they say to let your self go deeper with every breathe so that energy can move into that space. Moving- that's what so much of our life is, but its also being. The beauty of living is finding a balance between the two.

And the great news?? We might have found a place- a holding, safe, fun, sweet, and joy filled place with the potential for great dinners with even greater friends. How different and how good and how evident that God's hand was in this good change! God, this great being who I love so much and yet doubt so often- he who holds our hand and never lets go and literally changes us from the inside out. Funny how all those corny Christian songs seem corny until you step into the dangerous waters of what faith really is and you see how those words are anchors to the truth that God hopes too hook onto your heart.

You are never alone and God is always with you- be careful what you ask for, it might be too much goodness to handle!

*(This is just a snapshot of one of the few GREAT things he has done this week.)

If I know...

When it happened
my jaw dropped
my eyes dried up
and all of the world stopped

and on hopped, the devil
saying "isn't this level?
exactly what you wanted for
here is your stop
there is no more on top
no hope for the world in you
and so do as I do
and follow what I say
if you want to just feel
real
today"

and so I fought and I fought
but deeper I sank
as if it weren't enough
and in the darkness I sat
and I had trouble thanking God for that

He opened a world
full of opportunities and hope
but I sat in a corner
trying to cope
cope without the one
I had thought
with which the rest of my life had been brought

a story
I've told o'er and o'er
but soon must stop
before it puts me to ruins
and keeps me from following
the God I once loved so much
and yet I know him more now
if I just look up or out or in
despite my mark
my horrible sin
that you have washed away
singing," his blood hasn't failed me, yet,
hasn't failed me yet,
this much I know, that he loves me so"
and if I know just that
well no longer can I don this dark hat
but in freedom I must cast it off and see
the beauty surrounding me

a gift of grace
in the perfect place
filled with purpose
and propriety

there is love in this great city yet!

What have you been redeemed for?

Have you ever thought of what the word redeem really stands for? Here's a little definition to give you the richness and vast truth behind it:

redeem |riˈdēm| verb [ trans. ]

1.) compensate for the faults or bad aspects of (something) : a disappointing debate redeemed only by an outstanding speech |
[as adj. ] ( redeeming) the splendid views are the one redeeming feature of the center.
• ( redeem oneself) do something that compensates for poor past performance or behavior : they redeemed themselves in the playoffs by pushing the Detroit Red Wings to a seventh and deciding game.
• (of a person) atone or make amends for (error or evil) : the thief on the cross who by a single act redeemed a life of evil.
• save (someone) from sin, error, or evil : he was a sinner, redeemed by the grace of God.

2.) gain or regain possession of (something) in exchange for payment : his best suit had been redeemed from the pawnbrokers.
• Finance repay (a stock, bond, or other instrument) at the maturity date.
• exchange (a coupon, voucher, or trading stamp) for merchandise, a discount, or money.
• pay the necessary money to clear (a debt) : owners were unable to redeem their mortgages.
• exchange (paper money) for gold or silver.
• fulfill or carry out (a pledge or promise) : the party prepared to redeem the pledges of the past three years.
• archaic buy the freedom of.

Unwind after a great time...

Heels kicked off
toes stretch wide
Curl up on the floor
from the world to hide
and thoughts of you
flitter into my head
should I be thinking of God instead?

or what about how I draw
when I don't know what to say
or it just overwhelms- this need to express
and words would be so less
than the lines
that contort
and bend
and bind
the concepts of my mind
oh this world
a constant mystery
that piece by piece
is placed on our board

bored I am not
but lonely yes
and not for lack
of friends
or family
but a lack of you and me
whoever you may be...